Ego

I have often told the people I work with to pay attention when something causes them to "well up" and/or cry since this is often the subconscious’ way of saying "this is important to you". Then today I was watching a movie during which one character said to another "they will follow you". I need to pay attention since I welled up with tears when I heard that comment. There are many people who openly admire me and follow me closely. For the sake of my ego it is useful for me to realize that those people are actually admiring me together with the loving power that walks with me. This situation works for me and will continue as long as I stay humble and am careful about what I say and do. I have ample examples in my life of what this kind of admiration and power can do to a person — I would rather not go there.

Compassion

There was a fellow who today was banned from the Serenity Center, where I go for some of my recovery meetings. He was banned because of his disruptive behavior and not altering that behavior in spite of prior warnings. I agree with the decision since his behavior could discourage and be harmful to the newcomer. I also have empathy for him and will reach out to him, given the chance. It is important for me to realize that he and I are very similar, differing only in some brain chemicals. I, too, have self-centered, grandiose and anti-social thoughts but I choose and have the ability to not act on them. I also have difficulty, at times, in listening to the criticism and comments of others, but I am able to slow down, listen and remain quiet and respectful. He has a bit more difficulty in restraining himself. "Doing shadow-work means making a gentleman's agreement with one's self to engage in an internal conversation that can, at some time down the road result in an authentic self-acceptance and a real compassion for others." (Zweig and Abrams)

Balance

Today was a day of moderate activity (exercise, recovery meeting, talking on the phone and meditating) mixed with periods of relaxation and restoration. I seldom enter into total relaxation or distraction and usually continue to think about my activities at a much reduced rate and intensity as I did today. I watched a movie while also having some thoughts and planning about my interaction with trees. I find this partial relaxation actually helps my creativity and the fruition of my thinking — it is also good self-care. I should also confess that when relaxing I always wonder if I should be doing more!

My Growth

Most of the time when I meditate I connect with and feel the strength, Love and power of God, a feeling that is a gift which I can then carry with me during the day. The feeling originates with God not me and, to use an analogy from baseball, the capability of connecting with and generating that feeling is my "home run". I also find that I can pass that feeling to other entities, though doing so is not totally under my control. I am the "instrument" or "organ" of its passage, not the one who decides and is truly in charge. At this point I have transmitted that feeling to spirits, most recently to trees and at least twice (probably more) to living people. My sense is that I could be a better channel with people by being more completely open and then allowing it. I am working on that! "There are encounters with God such that the devil cannot possibly counterfeit them, nor can one’s imagination create them. Some are so indelibly imprinted in the center of one’s being that they can neither be described nor forgotten." (St. John of the Cross)

Spiritual Quest

I bet everything on the single card of my spiritual connection and the guidance I find there. Originally I made that choice because I was desperate and having explored earthly possibilities I found nothing that could help me. For the last couple of decades I have been pursuing a greater connection and continued guidance not from desperation but because of the joy and peace I find there. "Immersion in God entails a being filled with Him, a divine inflowing. Biblical men knew well enough that this self-communication of God is the sole destiny of men." (Thomas Dubay, S. M.). I have an adequate income and possessions but have to keep it spare because of my acquisitive nature. If I have much money or possessions I get excited, focused on the material and want more. As St. Augustine says "we cannot serve two masters. But a man does try to serve two masters if he seeks both the kingdom of God for the great good it is and those other temporal things."

Love

Words do not do the reality justice, but when Love is present it "desires" to create more Love, that is its nature and purpose. I live within a world of love and do everything I can to pass it on. I would like other people to feel that love, but also trees, stones, earth and everything else. The very human tendency and quest after "money, power and prestige" or technological distractions can block that love. I would like to overcome that tendency in others, leading to greater feeling of contentment and peace. "To the mystic he [God] becomes real in the same sense that experienced beauty is real, or the feel of spring is real, or that summer sunlight is real — he has been found, he has been met, he is present." (Rufus Jones)

Growth

Most of my communication with the trees I mentioned yesterday was around the issues of a youngish but adult in size, pine tree who had lost a major limb, which equated to a large part of its identity and also a change in life attitude to a feeling of vulnerability. Much the same as I felt when at the youngish age of forty, I became disabled. At that point I was very focused and proud of my physical prowess and felt relatively comfortable and in control. Everything changed in a few short months to feeling out of control, vulnerable and desperate. I turned to developing my spirituality — my connection with whatever you call that Presence and the feeling of eternity. I found that I could pass that feeling on, giving others the strength to persevere. "The Lord explained that it was needful that he [George Fox]’should have a sense of all conditions’. How else should he learn ‘to speak to all conditions?’ Then followed the critical experience: ‘I saw the infinite love of God. I saw that there was an ocean of darkness and death, but an infinite ocean of light and love which flowed over the ocean of darkness."

Being

Last night and today I have had the opportunity and honor to communicate with several trees concerning how they experience life and what that process means to them. I discover that I do not understand what it is to be a tree, what I call "treeness" — big surprise! Not surprisingly I end up listening a lot and apologizing for my assumptions and lack of understanding. Apparently, many or possibly most of them do not feel the Presence and Love that I feel when doing earthly, physical things, especially within the natural world. They are very focused on survival activities, physical reality rather than spiritual. I can broaden their approach by showing and giving them that feeling. "I tell you, I am in every flower, every rainbow, every star in the heavens, and everything in and on every planet rotating around every star. I am the whisper of the wind, the warmth of your sun, the incredible individuality and the extraordinary perfection of each snowflake. I am the majesty in the soaring flight of eagles, and the innocence of the doe in the field; the courage of lions, the wisdom of the ancient ones." (Walsch)

Spiritual Journey

I have been reading about what Marcelle Martin calls "the refiner’s fire" in her book Our Life is Love: The Quaker Spiritual Journey. The idea being that during their spiritual journey a person finds it best to divest or purify themselves of many worldly attachments, desires and behaviors in order to connect more closely with God. For the early Quakers this process was connected and driven by thoughts of sin, the devil, humans being pitiful and needing to be forgiven, reflecting the cultural and religious attitudes of that time. Contemporary Quakers also recognize the need to focus on spiritual values, giving up many worldly concerns but without belief in sin, etc. In my case, I have given up many worldly attachments, desires and distractions, not out of a feeling of duty, but because of love and my desire to be part of that love. I have found that I feel more complete joy if I focus on my spiritual development while participating in the worldly things.

Spiritual Experience 2

Another of my spiritual experiences was in 2006 when I had my near-death-experience and for the first time felt the power, purity and simplicity of God’s Love. During that experience I was told "this is what it feels like to be dead" and then "you can stay here or go back and be of service". Obviously, I came back but I needed to know what God’s Love felt like so I could generate that feeling for healing and pass it on to living people or spirits. I also immerse myself in that feeling nightly and carry a human version with me during the day. "The appropriate language for the person receiving these favors [communion with God] is that he understand them, experience them within himself, enjoy them and be silent." (St. John of the Cross)