Limits

The theme at today’s recovery meeting was not allowing other people determine our own limits and capabilities by their opinions and words about us. During the meeting I kept reflecting on the fact that I had stumbled and fallen about a week ago — which sounds like a failure. The fact is that I was doing something that "a person in my condition" has no business doing. I was walking over rough terrain without my cane or trekking poles and lost my focus because someone interrupted me. To me, that is not failure since I was pushing myself beyond my limits, something I do all the time, and sometimes get consequences.

Reality

The subtitle of my book is to "be in the world but not of it", meaning to participate in worldly things but not to rely on them for any sense of long lasting fulfillment. I enjoy going to work and do my job lovingly and well, as my purpose in this incarnation. I do the same for other aspects of "money power and prestige", trying to add to the integrity of the universe. For a strong sense of reality and sense of fulfillment I turn to my divine, eternal connection. I look on them as different and valuable aspects of reality and balance the two.

Near-Death-Experience

When I had my Near-Death-Experience in 2006 I was told that "This is what it feels like to be dead", a powerful and all-encompassing feeling of unconditional love. It felt like being bathed in that feeling and that nothing else mattered. The pain and struggles of my physical existence vanished. It was a very cleansing feeling. I was given the option of "coming back" to be of service, an option I took because of that Love. Through that experience and my nightly contact I have learned to love everyone and everything.

Over-thinking

Last night during meditation, while listening, I kept hearing that I thought about my issues way to much, that my thinking interfered with my progress and that I was better off just doing, not thinking. Lately I have been having some health concerns which are probably minor but I over-think them, creating anxiety for myself. There are other activities in my daily life that I simply "do" and have the faith that they will turn out. I do not over-think them. I take the action, feel gratitude that I have support and guidance and have confidence or faith in the outcome. Sounds simple, I should pay attention! "To understand better the value of silence in daily life, and its relation to this spiritual transformation for which we yearn, it is useful first to consider the limitation of language, of words. It is next useful to contemplate the limitations of logical reasoning."

Listening

I feel more spiritually lost than usual since the Universe has provided me with several major challenges lately and I don’t know what is being asked of me. My response to the feeling of being lost is to meditate, get internally silent and listen — which is simple but not easy for me. When I try to quiet my brain my ego inserts all sorts of memories, beliefs and doubts. One of the concepts I keep hearing is "you don’t have to believe — just do it! "Listening is a far more difficult process than most people imagine; really to listen in the way that is meant by the masters is to let go utterly of ourselves, to let go of all the information, all of the concepts, all the ideas and all the prejudices that our heads are stuffed with."(Sogyal Rinpoche)

Growth

Today, my birthday, I was acknowledged as being a gentle and loving man, which is true, though, as my wife and I pointed out, I still have periods of being a jerk. I used to be hurt, angry and very judgmental. I was self centered and considered myself to be superior to most people. I finally realized that I was hurting myself and began turning towards love and being loving as a way of life which felt better and was constructive, not destructive. "What deeper meaning did this paradox hold for him [Jung]? It was the revelation that not only might good be wrought from the darkness of the unformed abyss, the unconscious, but that part of the very energy of the evil urge in man, if one would but wrestle with it, as had Jacob with the angel, would yield its own peculiar blessing. So profoundly did he trust the darkness of the unconscious!"(John Yungblut)

Forgiveness

The topic for today’s recovery meeting was "forgiving" and during the meeting, in the process of listening I reflected on the changes I had gone through in forgiving my father for the way he treated me as a child. My father carried a lot of anger which he expressed toward me in attitude and some physical abuse. I have come to realize that he was doing the best he could and that given similar circumstances I would have probably done the same. I realize that people who hurt others have been hurt themselves. I understand that I was a difficult child and that I provoked him, but also that there is no reason for an adult to hit a child. I finally got to the point that I simply loved and cherished him. The abuse became an unimportant memory. At that point forgiveness was not needed, just love and understanding.

Perception

Typically I have considered my reality to consist of two levels; the divine, loving, eternal level and the secular, mundane, temporal. Then today, in our book study group, I found myself saying that for me there was no longer the secular level and that it was all divine, loving and eternal, though sometimes very short-lived. Over the last few years I have put a lot of effort into perceiving the divine and eternal in things and that effort has evidently changed my view. An example from today was that while weeding the plantain out of my yard I was also feeling respect, admiration and honor for its survival capability. That plant is a remarkable and valuable part of the reality of that ecosystem. "When the will, in becoming aware of the satisfaction afforded by the object of sight, hearing or touch does not stop with this joy but immediately elevates itself to God, rejoicing in Him who motivates and gives strength to its joy, it is doing something very good. (St. John)

Balance

I just re-read my post of two days ago and realize that I have been focused for two days on finding that honest and humble balance between self-deprecation and believing in myself which I wrote about. I now feel balanced and have re-committed, confidently to my spiritual path. It took talking openly about that conflict and balance with my wife and at recovery meetings. I also wrote about it, meditated asked for guidance. "To get we must also give, to advance we must also surrender, to gain we must lose, to attain we must resign. From the nature of things life means choice and selection, and every positive choice negates all other possibilities." (Rufus Jones)

Self-concept

I am struggling with my attempt at staying "right-sized" or balanced in such a way that I not hold myself back from being "all I can be" while also accepting any human fears and weaknesses. I fully realize that with God’s help and guidance I am much more than I was and can now do things that others think impossible. On the other hand I have underlying and long-standing difficulties with self-deprecation and even self-hatred which I picked up in my developmental years. The trick or balance for me is to allow both opposites to exist without holding the development of myself back in any way.