A Matter of Choice

A “meat and potatoes” kind of a day, at least as close to that as I ever get since I am never as grounded in the physical as I used to be.  I always carry a strong feeling of “I am”, love and the eternal with me in everything I do.  I also enjoy looking out over the landscape around me and feeling it pulsing with life and strongly sensing the changing of the seasons.  Today I exercised, payed bills, read, napped, ate healthily, soaked in our hot-tub and talked with Maria.
In my reading today, I kept encountering comments by people stating that they wanted to enjoy the feelings I describe in the previous paragraph, without giving up their attachments to material things, desires and drama.  As far as I can tell, that is not possible.  I would have to admit that, in many cases, my attachments had to be wrenched away, but I enjoy the resulting freedom.

Being a Clear Channel

Last night we had a “no sweat”, meaning a sweat lodge ceremony without having a fire or heating up the stones, because of the current fire restrictions in this area.  The no sweats can be just as powerful, spiritually, as a full sweat and, as frequently happens, I went into a meditative state and was minimally conscious of the world around me, during the ceremony.  Evidently I said something which indicated that I was a relatively clear channel for information from God or my own intuition, meaning I have few desires, attachments or ego involvement.  I do recall saying that I had been through extensive “cleansing” of such impediments, and that the cleansing was done, for now.  At any rate and after reflecting on it, I do feel like a fairly clear channel, which feels like being dead to the world, as I knew it.  For example, this morning, before the recovery meeting, a person that I know from meetings, came and sat right next to me for about ten minutes, during which he looked at me intently, but did not speak.  I felt no need to talk or ask what he wanted or anything else.  He finally, excused himself, got up and went to another meeting.

Harmony

In my last entry, I spoke of striving for harmony in my own actions and the discomfort that resulted when my actions and attitudes were not harmonious.  In a closely related way, today I was studying some spiritual teaching from a respected teacher and I got the distinct feeling that “something is not right here”.  I cannot/could not determine whether the problem was in the translation or the original message, only that something was not right.  The feeling I am referring to is a very similar “twisted gut” feeling, as described in my previous entry, a feeling that I have encountered many times while listening to the teachings of others.  I then go through a similar procedure as mentioned in that entry, in order to arrive at truth and harmony.  I am doing that now.

Sorting Time

As much as possible, I try to lead a life which is in harmony with the universe and without personal, historical or cultural bias, but I also know that I don’t always succeed.  Actions in harmony tend to be more loving and to increase the integrity of the universe, they just feel right.  Actions that are not in harmony result in a “twisted” feeling in my gut, they feel wrong.  When I meditate or indulge (usually a movie or mindless computer game) in, what I call, sorting time, I am sifting through my actions in order to arrive at harmony.  For example, because of my own, personal history or historical bias I can put a name or label on something, which then tends to categorize or label that thing and lead to a certain action/attitude.  Like using the words “love” or “God”, emotionally loaded words that mean different things to different people.  Largely because of this, I have a strong tendency to minimize my use of labels and categorizations.  I do need to use words in order to express myself and, I realize, the different meanings they impart are likely to be a good thing, harmonious.

Consciousness & Awareness

The east Indian holy man, Nisargadatta Maharaj, distinguished between awareness and consciousness, while I do not.  In his view, as I understand it, awareness, which is formless and is part of the Supreme, gives rise to consciousness, which is based on forms and concepts and is part of the mind.  In my view, awareness and consciousness are simply different levels of consciousness.  I take this approach because they feel the same to me, except that the consciousness at the level of the Supreme (what I call God), is a lot more intense and feels timeless, formless and real, while the consciousness of the mind feels transient and based on concepts.  It seems important to me that when what Nisargadatta calls the “food body” dies, that consciousness expands, is no longer attached to the body and moves to the God place.  Probably because of my cultural background, they each feel like love, with the Supreme feeling very pure, intense, timeless and formless.

No Single Cause

I find the belief expressed by Nisargadatta Maharaj, that nothing in the created universe has a single cause, that even the smallest event is the result of actions by the whole universe, to be very pleasing.  It is a belief that feels right.  I really like the idea of the universe acting in harmony in order to make things happen.  As an example, he makes the valid point that it would be impossible for a woman to give birth to any individual without the sun and the earth.  I also like the idea that if one can transcend the created universe and become one with the Supreme, that within that space, there is only the absolute with no causal relationships at all.  It all works, nicely.

Detachment

As I was speaking of it today, I can only get a feeling of deep, selfless, formless love if I detach from everything in the created order, and then focus my being on my awareness of the Self that exists as part of the absolute.  A part of myself that is totally free, not attached to anything material.  By detach I do not mean, to not enjoy or participate in, in fact I may enjoy those things more, but I do not hold on to them or try to make them something they are not.  For example my job, a spring day or just a breeze, are all very transient and trivial with regards to eternity, but also a wonderful part of the present.  They are “what is” and I take delight in that.

Speaking My Truth

Yesterday I spoke of being pleased that someone else was speaking about, and had experienced the emotional and spiritual strength she got from getting in touch with her essence, something I have talked about and experienced.  Similarly, but in my professional life rather than personal experience, it is nice to hear mainstream presentations on subjects I have been talking about for years.  These topics include the importance of things like spirituality, connection and love or the pitfalls of managed care and brief therapy.  Things that others talked to me about and I continued the tradition.  In the past, I have actually been warned not to talk about these things openly.  There is a strong feeling of validation and being home or connected when it happens that others speak of these things.  The validation and feeling of connection come from the realization that things do, in fact, change and it is nice to be part of that process.  I do need to speak my truth.

The Peace of the Essence

I was pleased during the meeting this morning that the speaker mentioned her use of mindful meditation and the importance of getting in touch with the peace and stability of her core  essence, her sense of “I am” and how much strength she found there.  I have certainly found the same.  I find love, peace and God within that timeless sense of Self.  Most of my worldly concerns just fall away, if I keep my focus there.  It is quite noticeable on the rare occasions that I lose my focus on the eternal and switch my attention to the temporary, illusory things - a good reminder of the discomfort I could experience.

Progress

A few days ago, I encountered and read part of a recent edition of Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind, by Suzuki.  I was reminded that I first encountered, purchased and read an early edition of the book back in the ‘70s.  When I first read it, on the one hand I knew I wanted what was talked about in the book, and on the other hand, the book was just so much “word porridge”, I did not understand it at all.  Now I live it, and say many of the same things, in my own way.  Life is strange!
I think it important to note that through the years I have had several teachers, read a lot of books, meditated regularly and had a lot of life happen.  It has certainly not always been fun, pleasant or easy but I have always pursued truth.  My approach seems to have worked, so far.