Staying Right Sized

A day of contrasts, mostly enjoyable, some not, all of it very good to keep me “right sized”.  For most of the day I was connecting and interacting with people, either at a recovery meeting or with my own clients.  In all cases there was mutual respect and caring.  Then I went to a grocery store to get some cottage cheese.  I went directly to the refrigerated cheese and yogurt section, expecting it to be there, which it was not.  I began searching for it and finally asked a store employee its location.  His response was to direct me back to the cheese section and get away from me as soon as possible, a response I am quite familiar with.  The look on his face and his actions said something like “tell the idiot whatever he will be happy with and get him away from me!” .  I felt anger and frustration so I knew not to take action or say anything, I left the store without my objective.

The Power Of God

Tonight, as often happens, I felt very strongly “seized by the spirit”, a feeling of joining with and being a conduit for the power of God.  I generally feel it most strongly during my early morning sessions, while focusing on spiritual reading, writing, prayer and meditation.  I do not even try to understand that power, just sense it, appreciate it and be with it.  There is absolutely no question that I will do whatever that power wants and follow it anywhere.

Pass It On

I have an impact on the lives of some people, talking to them about love, connection and the eternal, while giving up their attachments to the material.  Since I am a therapist, the impact is purposeful and direct.  Most of the people I impact are not therapists so their impact on others is less purposeful.  In each case, we have an impact because of who we are, not what we do.  I received my information from several sources and simply pass it on.  The people I impact, in turn, sometimes knowingly, sometimes not, impact the lives of several others, and the changes continue.  It is wonderful to be part of the web.

Changing The World

Recently, it has been made very clear to me that I have played a major role in changing the lives of other people.  Some were heroin users that have stopped using and others were non-addicts who are now more “awake”.  Additionally, they have all changed their attitudes and behaviors dramatically.  One thing that is very important for me to realize is that it really was not me that caused the change at all, that I was only the most proximate instrument.  In reality, it is like N. Maharaj says, that no event in life has a single cause, that everything in the universe cooperates in producing the change.  It is also very important for me to realize, that I stayed open, listened and did the next right thing, no minor accomplishment.

My Passion

I am committed to helping others grow and learn.  I want to be of service, and that is my passion.  For some reason, I have been given many gifts that result in knowing and living a life which is very different from what I was told as a child, adolescent or young adult.  What I have learned, largely from past mystics and spiritual leaders, is that most of the material things I was taught to value mean next to nothing.  What I now value are things like love, connection, God, spirituality, forgiveness and compassion, things I cannot see, touch or feel physically.  I now know the peace and joy that I was seeking, in spite of my physical challenges.  My behavior and attitudes have changed dramatically.  My passion is to help others know these things and change the world, one person at a time.

Using Intuition

Maria and I have a division of labor which, on the surface, seems imbalanced, even risky but also works very well and feels right.  She works around our home, doing the things that I either lack the coordination to do or simply lack the time.  She also works with other people in recovery and volunteers at a local hospice.  She, basically, makes it possible for me to function outside of some sort of assisted living arrangement.  I, on the other hand, work outside of the home and make the money that keeps our ship afloat.  I also love what I do and am good at it.  The fact is that what I make in an hour would take her a great deal longer.  My left brain says that depending on me for income is unwise, my right brain or intuition says the situation is good the way it is.  This is one of the many situations where I would like my left brain to be quiet!

Connecting With a Tree

I got home from work today in mid-afternoon, feeling tired and not feeling motivated to do much of anything.  Maria, my wife, suggested that we take a drive into the woods, an option that sounded more appealing than the other possibilities.  When we arrived at a random spot in the woods, I went around our area connecting and communicating with the trees, deciding where it would be best to sit.  I sat next to and immediately felt embraced by a juniper tree.  Feeling the tree’s embrace and smelling the nearby plants was very refreshing and cleansing.  I forgot about being tired and appreciated the moment with Maria, the tree and the plants.

Attitude Change

Twenty years ago, when I was in school pursuing my M.S.W., I was told implicitly or explicitly, to not talk openly about spiritual matters like reincarnation, God or various disciplines and belief systems.  I knew those things to be very fundamentally important for mental health, but I also knew that the subjects were generally not touched upon.  More recently I talk with clients openly and frequently about spiritual matters like reincarnation, God or various disciplines and belief systems, in a very open and non-denominational way and I am encouraged to do so.  Those conversations are a vital part of what I do.  The change is very pleasing to me.

Anxiousness Of The Mind

Today was like a very clear affirmation of what I wrote yesterday, meaning I kept drifting off into the fear and anxiousness of my thoughts and had to remind myself, repeatedly, of the peace of the Self and the deeper reality of the absolute.  The contrast in the way each of them felt was quite remarkable.  Last night I woke up ruminating and anxious over my thoughts, then I would begin focusing on “I am” and peacefully go back to sleep.  It felt totally pointless to ask myself why I was doing that, it was, quite simply, what was.  Today was another good reminder of my humanity, and that I am not as far along my spiritual path as I would like.

Self

Today, I have been contemplating some of the differences between my mind and smaller, impermanent self versus my larger, permanent Self and sense of “I am”.  The differences are quite profound.  As various mystics and spiritual leaders have pointed out the mind and brain use things like knowledge, experience and memory in a very anxious, fear based way in order to survive and function within the world, as we know it.  Behind that is the sense of Self which uses knowing and a sense of connectedness and love to function within eternity.  The mind uses duality, while the Self exists as part of the absolute.  I prefer to know the Self while functioning in the world.