Being Gentle With Myself

I was reminded several times today that I am my main block to my own spiritual and emotional growth.  I realized several years ago that I was attached to various ideas, attitudes, expectations of what should be, and that my own ideas and attitudes held me back.  Having realized that, my tendency, at that time, was to use harsh judgment and criticism toward myself.  I have since come to realize that harsh judgment and criticism toward myself (or anyone else!) accomplishes nothing other than making me feel bad.  Instead, borrowing from Kornfield, I think of myself as a warm, well intentioned, stupid puppy.  I, more or less, expect a puppy to take a dump on my valuable oriental carpet or chew the legs of my furniture, and love that puppy regardless.  I find it hard to be angry at the puppy, at least for long.  A good approach to myself.

Removal Of Distractions

I arrived at greater clarity this morning concerning the value of the house we are soon to move into in Flagstaff.  It is a simple dwelling that will provide all of our needs, a fair degree of comfort and few distractions, thus allowing increased spiritual and emotional growth, assuming we are each willing to put our focus there.  It is about half the size of our current house, it has considerably less land, is in the center of town, it is fairly new and quite basic.  It has little of the challenging, “hippie” personality of our current dwelling.  In many ways it is the equivalent of the “shack in the woods” of many traditional spiritual seekers.

Prayer & Meditation

I recognize that it is a very valuable lesson for me but I find it easy to become occupied and a bit obsessed with the day to day events of moving, rather than focusing on the peace and love of the eternal “I am”.  Most events in my life are not that compelling.  I am reminded of the quote usually attributed to Ram Dass, “If you think you are enlightened, try visiting your parents”.  The ordeal of moving brings me back to thoughts of worldly events and, since my thoughts are often fear based, I find myself fretting over little things that would normally not bother me.  I then, using prayer and meditation, return to the peace, serenity and love of I am.  Quite a contrast and valuable lesson to realize that many people believe in the day to day events, rather than returning to prayer and meditation.

Path With Heart

It’s a bit after 2:00 A.M., the time when I generally get up, which sounds pretty strange.  The primary reason that I get up now is that the hours between 2:00 and 6:00 are when I feel most connected to God, or whatever you call that force, a special time for me.  It’s a time for my most powerful physical healing.  It’s also the time that I get my instructions for anything of import, later that day, generally my service commitments.  It’s four hours of prayer and meditation that I do each day, changing my whole day and outlook on life.  I know of no-one else who does this, though I suspect they are out there.  It is a practice that works for me, part of my “path with heart”.

New Beginnings

We had our last lodge at this location tonight.  The theme of the lodge, determined by the first stone brought in, was “new beginnings”, a very appropriate theme since we will move to another location soon and a new chapter will begin.  Several people in the lodge expressed sadness and gratitude.  Gratitude for what the lodge has meant for them and sadness that it was the last lodge.  As I mentioned in the lodge, the sadness is good to feel, but it is best to also celebrate the new beginning.
I understand, through meditation, that it is important to realize that the love, growth and relationships within the lodge, had an impact that went beyond the lodge.  That impact will not change with the ending of the lodge.  It is simply time to move on.

A New Perspective

The central topic in the recovery meeting I attended today was “gratitude”.  As I indicated in that meeting, I find it easy to be grateful when my life is going smoothly and things turn out the way I prefer.  However, that is usually not what happens and I still find myself profoundly grateful for the wonderful life I lead, due largely to my change in perspective, away from the material and towards the non-material/eternal, over the last several years.
Years ago I was young, very strong and appeared to be in good shape.  I was also well respected in my field of study, had been invited to speak at prestigious universities and asked to prepare a summary for “Important Men in Science”.  My wife and I were both working, so we had material success and security.  These were all things that I was taught would result in happiness.  I was also an active alcoholic and miserable.  Now, I have none of the things I just mentioned.  I am sixty-five, disabled, lead a relatively obscure life and my wife does not work outside of the home so we get by on what I make.  In short, I have no security.  I am also very happy since I have daily connections and many loving relationships.  I realize that material things mean next to nothing, and place my emphasis on the non-material.

Having Asked

Many years ago I prayed to see people and events the way that God does.  Since then, I have had numerous experiences of being in what I call the “God Place”, primarily during meditation.  While in the God place I feel a strong sense of the absolute, a feeling of love, connectedness, understanding and compassion.  I now see and understand people and events with a great deal of clarity and feel an over whelming sense of love, respect and compassion towards those people and events at the same time.  For myself I truly see that I am a “work in progress”, wonderfully human and a perfect “Charlie”, all at the same time.  I see and feel the same for others.  Having asked, I can do no less.

Focus On Love & Connection

A good day.  Before the day began I decided to carry out the day’s numerous activities while keeping in mind the importance of  love, connection, compassion and understanding as my main mission.  My day began with a phone call and connection to a family member of a client of mine, a very positive experience.  I next completed my dealings with the car rental outfit and the company doing the body-work on my car, both positive since I kept my focus on love, connection, compassion and understanding.  I then attended a session with the healer I use, once again keeping my focus on love, connection, compassion and understanding.  When I returned, I met with a sponsee and, once again, had a good connection and interaction.  I finished out the day by doing some continuing preparation for the coming move.  Mission accomplished!

Love Based

I comment on my website about the brain’s activity, thinking, being fear based, as opposed to the absolute or “I am”, which I access through meditation and service work, being love based.  Today in particular, and recently in general, I have had numerous opportunities to see the difference in others and experience that difference in myself.  The difference is most notable as the feelings I get while connecting with someone or during my period of prayer and meditation in the morning versus the feelings I get while filling out the paperwork needed for the coming move.  The choice is obvious.  I much prefer the love based feelings!

The Next Right Thing

I am aware of two main issues going on in my life right now.  The first is physical and relatively simple.  The fact is that I am sixty-five and disabled, both of which impose limits on my physical endurance and abilities.  Maria, of course, has her own limitations, which I need to respect, as well.  We are planning to move within the next couple of weeks and there are many tasks that must be completed.  I need to complete my share of the tasks while staying within my limitations, a challenging balance.
The second issue is new territory for me.  As I have indicated, I am relatively detached from all of the necessary surveys, signings, negotiations and procedures that accompany house selling and buying.  I am attempting to pay attention to the procedures that require my attention, while relying on our real estate agent to take care of most things, an exercise in trust and faith.
I am attempting to just keep doing the next right thing, with these issues in mind.