Worthiness

In a human sense, I am in no way worthy of the numerous gifts or the support and guidance that I have received from the power or force I call God or love.  It is quite clear that what myself and other humans view as unworthiness does not matter at all in an eternal sense. At present, my devotion is total and I will do anything I can to promote that power or force, activities and attitudes that clearly do matter.  I have had a difficult life and have done a lot of negative and destructive things to myself and others, during many years of my being hurt, angry and confused.  I still have a difficult life but am now devoted to being a positive force in this world.

Gifts

Today, I attended a celebration of someone who has been in recovery from drugs and alcohol (illegal drug and alcohol free) for thirty years, a milestone that I will be at in another five months.  I am an alcoholic and a drug addict who has been free from each for twenty nine years.  For the last twenty five years I have been living with a disability that was supposed to be progressive and degenerative and has done the reverse.  During the same time, I have experienced numerous other miraculous happenings.  All of these things, which logic says should not have happened, seem to be associated with God or love.  I choose to believe in that force.

Listening

Another relatively quiet day.  A day of writing, watching birds, exercising, cooking and resting, very suitable for a person in partial retirement, such as myself.  In my limited interactions I was very much aware that the people I was talking to would listen to most of what I said, make a few assumptions and try to fit my comments into their own experience, rather than simply listening to what I said.  I attempt to not make assumptions and projections when I connect with and listen to others but I am not certain that I would realize when I was doing that.

Sorting Time

This was a relaxing day, in contrast to yesterday.  I had one client and a period of intense connection with him, but spent the remainder of the day in solitude performing a variety of household duties, a pleasant balance.  I spent a large portion of the day just sitting, contemplating, sorting and not doing much.  Spending quiet time, as I just described, seems to be very important for me to maintain serenity in my life.  I have many intense interactions with many people and I tend to feel chaotic internally without the quiet time.

Connection

A busy day, during which I had the opportunity to interact with several people.  During the day, I was very aware of forming connections, and then having accurate, meaningful communication.  I was able to do that quite well with my three clients and then with several people at a recovery meeting, very nice.  I then went to see my dentist, later in the day.  That experience gave me an interesting contrast since I made a good connection with the hygienist but was completely blocked from doing so with the dentist.  He was very wrapped up in himself, performing his function and had no interest in connection.  It was an excellent reminder of the way I used to be.

Compassionate Understanding

Today, a young person of perhaps fifteen, one of our neighbor boys, asked if I would like to buy a discount booklet.  I just said “no thank you” without asking for more information, or being the least bit social, though I was at least smiling.  The fact is that I was uncomfortable because of my speech impediment and poor communication skills.  I was civil, but overly abrupt.  I have encountered the same sort of reaction from other disabled people and struggle to not take such interactions personally.  I strive to do better in my own interactions but I also need to be compassionate and understanding about the struggles of others.

The Utility Of Spirituality, Love & Connection

I work as a mental health therapist with people who have addiction problems of one sort or another, primarily drugs and/or alcohol.  In order to help them stay clean and sober, I generally emphasize the importance of spirituality, love and  connections, factors that are frequently missing from their lives.  It often makes me sad that these things are largely absent from their lives.  Like me, they turned to drugs and/or alcohol, in part,  to make up for that lack and, as in my case, addiction followed.  I suspect that focusing on the cultural development of spirituality, love and  connection would be a more useful method of “fighting the war on drugs”, than is punishment or imprisonment, addressing the causes rather than symptoms.

A Call For Balance

This morning I am very aware that, as a species, we have many attitudes and ideas that are leading us toward survival problems.  Things like the way we treat each other or the earth are obvious examples.  But also subtler things like the exclusive belief in and emphasis on science is another example.  A large number of those problems could be solved or influenced by bringing ideas like the importance of love and spirituality back into our lives., not to the exclusion of other approaches, but in addition to them.

Feelings Pass

This morning, I feel cynical, which is unusual but I suspect just fine.  I keep talking about being loving and positive and today that feels like a waste of time and energy.  The feeling is a bit surprising to me, since I can see the positive effects of my approach all around me, but I still feel cynical.  Like all feelings, I suspect it best to experience it and let it pass.
I went to a Friend’s (Quaker) meeting today and the main topics were the emotionally healing impact of love on various interactions and the importance of talking about it.  Just what I needed to hear!  I was moved and also was able to talk about my feeling of cynicism, very cleansing.  I now feel more positive and motivated.

Listening to Plants

It’s the rainy season in Flagstaff and it is wonderful to feel the moisture in the air and the vibrant growth of the plants and animals this time of the year.  All of the seasons have their special gifts and the native plants and animals are all adapted to the rhythm.  It always impresses me to see and feel the plants shut down during the dry months, then explode with growth and flowers when the rains begin.  The flow of the seasons and the changes of conditions with shifts in  altitude are quite magnificent in this state.