Recovery

Right now I have a little more than three months short of thirty years in recovery, which began with the cessation of the use of drugs and alcohol and then expanded to dealing with numerous other activities and behaviors.  I have made liberal use of love, God, the guidance of many people and several recovery programs.  I have, largely, left behind the person I used to be, though I am regularly reminded of that person in the recovery meetings I attend and I know that person is right there, if I choose to return to that way of life.  I have become the person I aspired to become and I continue to grow.

Letting Go

I generally work with a recovering person only during the first six months of their recovery and then they switch to another therapist.  I always experience some sadness and some desire to hold on, when it is time for one of my clients to graduate to the next phase of recovery.  Yesterday, one of my clients graduated.  I did my job well, connecting, loving and guiding, now it is time to let go.  It is useful for me to acknowledge, feel and let go of my own feelings in much the same manner.

Being Of Service

This was another very long day, as frequently happens during weekends that include the family workshops.  There has been a lot of work with the families together with their addicts the last couple of days.  During that time, I have been acutely aware that my role is often to “afflict the comfortable and comfort the afflicted”, having done a lot of each the last few days.  Usually the addicts I work with have some sort of comfortable, though self-destructive, pattern that needs to be disrupted and changed if they are to remain clean and sober.  They are also usually experiencing emotional pain.  The net result is that they generally require both comforting and confronting if I am to connect and help.

Going With The Flow

This was a very long and somewhat chaotic day.  I had six hours of very draining and intensive connection time with clients and their families.  Additionally, my plans for the day kept shifting because people’s travel and arrival times did not go as planned.  The combination was tiring but I was also pleased that I did not resist the flow of events at all.  As usual, adding resistance to the mix would have accomplished nothing in terms of outcomes, but certainly would have added to stress and fatigue.  This was a day of going with the flow of life.

Who Am I

This afternoon we had our first meeting of the Friend’s (Quaker) writing group and we were to write in response to the query “who am I”.  To me, it was notable that most, but not all, responses to the query related to the participants experiences regarding their present physical form.  In most cases they spoke of things they have done during this life, not who they were.  There was also some mention of problems or limitations imposed by their current physical forms, age or physical pain or ailments.  In my case, I responded to the query in a more spiritual sense, referring to myself as “timeless, selfless and eternal”, quite different and definitely not rooted in my current physical form.  I did not mention or think of limitations or pains imposed by my disability, very real but also quite transient.

Doing What I Am Told

We had our monthly men’s group tonight.  I am a member and also lead the group which I have done so for a few years now.  There were only five of us tonight.  I was impressed by how much we have helped each other and particularly how much I have influenced the members of the group, or rather how much God, through me, has influenced them.  As long as I keep my ego in check, stay humble, listen and do what I am told, wonderful things happen.  It’s a challenge but also great to be part of that process.

Fear

Tonight I got into a negative spiral, thinking that there was something I was not doing and that I would not be able to cope with life in general.  Fortunately, I don’t experience the negativity often and when I do it does not last long (about two hours in this case).  The situation tonight was notable in that even during the experience, I realized that there was no substance to it and that the feeling would pass, like the vapor it was.  It has passed and I am grateful.

Prayer & Meditation

Having spent the last few days doing a lot of prayer, meditation and contemplation, I feel at peace with my life, a good feeling.  A few days ago, I was feeling close to overwhelmed & nothing has really changed other than my attitude.  It was important to take the time, rather than push myself to do more, another of life’s paradoxes.
It also struck me tonight that most people consider prayer, meditation and contemplation as optional, a choice not a necessity.  For me, it is not optional and I don’t question that.

Support & Guidance

This morning I attended a meeting of the Friends (Quaker), during which I focused on being relaxed, quiet and listening.  As usual, I had several good connections and it was nice to be with similar minds.  Then this afternoon, Maria and I drove out to the Twin Arrows area for a few more hours of being quiet and listening.  My intuition and guidance tells me that this is a time to pay attention, be alert, and ready to change course, that there are things of importance going on.  I have not been able to go beyond that, presumably because I don’t need too.  I trust that I will be provided with what I need.

Prayer & Meditation

I would not say that I have been feeling overwhelmed by life the last couple of days, but, at least at maximum capacity.  My response, on this occasion, is to spend more of my day in quiet meditation and contemplation, what I think of as sorting time.  I do not attempt to fit everything into a logical and linear process, but to have some comfort with it.  I cannot say that I have reached any sort of resolution or understanding of what is bothering me, but it feels right to do the sorting.  My meditation consists of relaxing, filling myself with loving intent, asking for guidance and then allowing and listening.  I want a resolution but make an effort not to push it.