Feeling The Feelings

Right now, I just feel loving and strongly connected, wonderful.  Earlier today I was falsely accused, then very angry and finally amused, due to my own anger at a person being them self.  We had a men’s group tonight and I spoke of the anger and that, of course, helped it to pass.  The whole process was a good example of being open to my feelings, talking about them and letting them pass, something I have, historically, not been good at, especially with anger.

Bubble Of Love

Yesterday, I spoke of the possibility of my own doubts and fears holding me back, a real possibility.  I did not yield to those doubts and fears yesterday and I will not today, a decision that feels very good and firm.  I am a very human voice for the importance of that power or force of love and God.  That power has changed my life and as I mentioned in the recovery meeting today, I now “walk in a bubble of love”, an incredible experience.

Fear

Once again today, I submitted a variety of my own writing for publication in the Friend’s (Quaker) newsletter.  Also, once again, I am experiencing all sorts of doubts and fears about what I have done.  My submission is a personal effort to push myself to be “out there” more, to increase my exposure.  As usual, I wrote about the importance and value of spirituality and love in my life, a message I would like others to hear and incorporate, in there own way.  Ironically, I also write about how fear tends to hold us back from being the people we could be.  The fear certainly does that in my case, if I listen to it!

Letting Things Go

Today I had a very strong sense that I was doing well but that I was involved in events with others that had some significance beyond this simple life, events that had some eternal significance.  Also that I need not even try to understand beyond that knowledge, that it was important to just do my part and then let it go.  As Maria said today, there is considerable relief in that knowledge.  I continue to “play my piano & sing my little song”, the rest is not up to me!  Life is good.

Guidance

I find it both wonderful and strange that I now rely on mystical guidance and my own intuition to determine the majority of my actions during the day.  I rely very heavily on my connection and now firmly understand the comment by Hazrat Inayat about the life of the mystic; ‘The whole life of the mystic is mapped on this principle... a voice from within that tells him “go here,” “go there,” or “leave”... Therefore, while others are prepared to explain why they are doing something... the mystic cannot explain, because he himself does not know.  The one who knows little, knows most; and those who seem to know more, know the least.’ The fact is that I now know enough to realize that I know next to nothing, and act accordingly.

Meditation

Today, in addition to working with a client, exercising and paying bills, I did a few hours of quiet meditation.  The meditation I did was not oriented at any particular topic, question or even the observing my thoughts like in mindful meditation.  I just relaxed and allowed my thoughts to come and go, letting them sort themselves out.  Before the meditation I felt emotionally “congested”, a feeling that I no longer have.  The feeling of clear flow is back.

Perspective

One of the realities that is quite apparent to me is that I am very different from the norm of the people around me.  This awareness is particularly pronounced when I am with a group of Friends from the Quaker meeting, as I was today.  I feel comfortable with them since they are very interested in spiritual matters, but they are also firmly rooted in the trials and tribulations of this earthly existence.  I, on the other hand, am firmly rooted in the spiritual existence and consider earthly matters to be minor and very short-lived.  Both views are totally valid but different.

Fear Versus Love

I lived a life based on fear for many years; fear of not performing well enough, fear of rejection, fear of not being good enough, etc.  I also had high blood pressure, an ulcer, active alcoholism and did not sleep well.  It took me several years to realize that fear was illusory vapor, that I was not protecting myself and that I was expending needless energy.  I now lead a life based on love.  A simple choice that took considerable introspection and growth.  I have low blood pressure, a good digestive system and sleep like a stone.  I like where my spiritual connection has taken me!

Balance

During the past several days I have participated in numerous conversations revolving around the fact that much of what people say and do in this culture is based on fear rather than love, an approach to life that I was certainly taught during my formative years.  For example, the news reports and peoples discussions frequently involve problems and some sort of negative event(s) that could result, feeding fear.  On the other hand, it is possible to acknowledge the problems while also noting some positive events and considering behavioral choices that would “increase the integrity of the universe”, an approach that is more balanced and that I use when I am confronted by life.

A Love & Faith Based Approach

This morning, while waiting for a movie, I realized that I had forgotten to do one of the things necessary for my continued licensing. I began to go into a fear spiral, imagining and projecting all manner of negative future consequences.  Then, I realized what I was doing, entering into & feeding the fear rather than staying secure in the knowledge that everything would be fine, a more love based view.  I then reversed my view & enjoyed the movie.  When I got home, a simple phone call took care of the problem & I will have to pay a very minor fine.