Gratitude

We are entering what is generally known as the holiday season, which I generally don’t participate in very much, preferring the peace of solitude and not getting caught up in material possessions. However, this season I am planning to participate in various social events and I feel exceptionally grateful for the numerous, varied and wonderful people in my life. I am also grateful for how good my life is, in spite of the inconveniences and challenges. Being awake and aware, I realize that the vast majority of people in this world have it much worse, and that given other circumstances, I would be miserable or dead. I feel very grateful for life as it is.

Choices

I am facing some fairly large life choices right now, things like where to live, sources of income and which direction to focus my energy. At the present time, it is time to consider options and not decide. The comments by Don Juan as quoted by Castaneda come to mind "Does this path have a heart? All paths are the same: they lead nowhere. They are paths going through the bush or into the bush. In my own life I could say I have traversed long, long paths, but I am not anywhere. Does this path have a heart? If it does, the path is good; if it doesn’t, it is of no use." Time to meditate.

God's Will

Today the theme in the recovery meeting I attended was how to determine and act on "God’s will" for us, which, as far as I can tell, is the same as determining the loving action rather than the fear based one. Within me there is a lot of fear-based brain chatter concerned with material possessions, what ifs, various attachments and other self-centered motives. As I said today, I use gentle, loving laughter to defuse those thoughts. Having noted and dismissed those thoughts, I then use peaceful, loving meditation to determine the action that will increase the integrity of the universe.

Following Intuition

Today I met with another author and employee of the Arizona Daily Sun about the promotion of my book. The whole process of promotion produces a lot of anxiety in me and is very definitely outside of my comfort zone, so much so that it is hard for me to determine what is right for me to do. It seems important to determine the right path for me. I listen to the advice and my also my intuitive inside voice usually just says "no", with the occasional "yes". I need to pay attention and act on the yeses.

Balance

The topic for today’s recovery meeting was "loneliness", which used to be a big problem for me but, I realized, is no longer. My present life-style makes it pretty much impossible to feel lonely. I begin each day connecting with that force or power behind the universe that I call God or love and immersing myself in that feeling. I then spend a good part of the rest of the day connecting with others and "giving away" that feeling. I also enjoy several periods of solitude during the day. As I mentioned today, the balance between these activities changes each day. There are some days that I interact with others little or not at all. This is all quite a change from the way I used to be.

Connection

I spend the majority of each day in close connection with that force or power behind the universe that I call God or love. I generally feel like I am in partnership with that power, though I am very aware that I am only the actor and that my partner is all knowing and a great deal more powerful. I simply follow my partners lead and do what I am told. I feel the power most strongly when I get up in the middle of the night to pray and meditate and also when I work with others, both of which I do daily. Today Maria, my wife, commented that it was like "dancing with a thousand pound gorilla", a very apt description.

The love/God Seed

Today was primarily a day of restoration after the intensity of the family work I have been talking about for the last couple of days. It was also a day of reflecting on the fact that I really am what I call a "dreamer". My experience has shown me that there is a love/God "seed" , element or part in each one of us which is waiting to be nurtured and developed. Right now, the common human pattern is that some sort of tragedy is required for that seed to be expressed. Once developed it is also possible for expression of the love seed to be part of daily life, a fulfilling way to live.

Self-care

This was a very long, difficult, intense and ultimately rewarding day. My day began at 7:30 and ended at 4:30, which is long for this 67 year old, disabled person! During the day I connected briefly, or longer with several individuals and had long sessions with a couple of families. I was present and enjoyed all of the interactions. I also, intentionally, built into the day several half hour periods for meditation, contemplation and peace. Pacing myself is very important if I am to remain present and do what I do.

Intuition

Today was a busy and long day of working with their family members along with the newly recovering addicts/alcoholics that I frequently interact with. I noticed several times that I kept checking with my intuitive sense about what to say and when to say it. What I mean is that I just kept checking inside for the feeling that told me to say or not say certain things. Today that sense was working well and I had the feeling of being well connected.

Harmony 2

Yesterdays realization that the feeling of being disharmonious was really just a phase of being harmonious was strangely comforting for me. I am reminded of the words of Marianne Williamson, when she wrote "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us." I just keep pushing myself to change, learn and grow. That is not always comfortable since having the courage to face my fears just feels like fear and doing it anyway. Living in paradox is very fulfilling!