Gratitude

I have a very well developed awareness and a strong feeling of gratitude for the complete process of life. What I mean is that there is a great deal of the process of life which is not pleasant, but the final result is generally wonderful. I understand that part of life is working through problems and conflict, finally arriving at love, peace, forgiveness and faith. Ultimately that process is very fulfilling and rewarding to get through. I also feel grateful for the many pleasant things in life, things like relationships, friends and love.

Self-care

Today was a very simple day of minimal connection with others and a great deal of food preparation, cooking. One of the ways in which I do not participate in the general economy is that I prepare my own meals using organic and local ingredients with no preservatives and minimal added sugar or salt. Typically I prepare several meals at once and freeze them for quick, efficient and healthy future use. This sort of food preparation takes more time but I need to be careful with my health, I feel good about it and I enjoy it. Most of my days involve intense and complex connections and interactions. This was a nice break.

Love Matters

Recently I have been very aware of the comment made by Richard Pries early in my recovery process, that "Nothing matters very much and very few things matter at all". It is clear to me that relationships and love matter but that the vast majority of things we worry about really make little or no difference. Typically I ask myself "would I care about this if I were on my deathbed?" and the answer is usually "no". The reason I have been reflecting on this is that I have a friend who is about to die from cancer. I will miss her presence in my life and wish her well.

Being a Dreamer

Today at the Friend’s (Quaker) meeting one of the members of the meeting recommended my book to the other members, and at that moment I realized how proud I was that I had extended myself to write and publish the book. Later the same person commented that the book made her smile, which made me smile. I wrote the book as a major part of my efforts to "change the world" in favor of love, spirituality, compassion and forgiveness. I am a "dreamer" who also takes action. I keep encountering the same beliefs and attitudes in others, though those attitudes are frequently overcome by fear and competition. As Maria, my wife, pointed out, I am not done. I will continue in my attempts to "increase the integrity of the universe".

Gratitude

We are entering what is generally known as the holiday season, which I generally don’t participate in very much, preferring the peace of solitude and not getting caught up in material possessions. However, this season I am planning to participate in various social events and I feel exceptionally grateful for the numerous, varied and wonderful people in my life. I am also grateful for how good my life is, in spite of the inconveniences and challenges. Being awake and aware, I realize that the vast majority of people in this world have it much worse, and that given other circumstances, I would be miserable or dead. I feel very grateful for life as it is.

Choices

I am facing some fairly large life choices right now, things like where to live, sources of income and which direction to focus my energy. At the present time, it is time to consider options and not decide. The comments by Don Juan as quoted by Castaneda come to mind "Does this path have a heart? All paths are the same: they lead nowhere. They are paths going through the bush or into the bush. In my own life I could say I have traversed long, long paths, but I am not anywhere. Does this path have a heart? If it does, the path is good; if it doesn’t, it is of no use." Time to meditate.

God's Will

Today the theme in the recovery meeting I attended was how to determine and act on "God’s will" for us, which, as far as I can tell, is the same as determining the loving action rather than the fear based one. Within me there is a lot of fear-based brain chatter concerned with material possessions, what ifs, various attachments and other self-centered motives. As I said today, I use gentle, loving laughter to defuse those thoughts. Having noted and dismissed those thoughts, I then use peaceful, loving meditation to determine the action that will increase the integrity of the universe.

Following Intuition

Today I met with another author and employee of the Arizona Daily Sun about the promotion of my book. The whole process of promotion produces a lot of anxiety in me and is very definitely outside of my comfort zone, so much so that it is hard for me to determine what is right for me to do. It seems important to determine the right path for me. I listen to the advice and my also my intuitive inside voice usually just says "no", with the occasional "yes". I need to pay attention and act on the yeses.

Balance

The topic for today’s recovery meeting was "loneliness", which used to be a big problem for me but, I realized, is no longer. My present life-style makes it pretty much impossible to feel lonely. I begin each day connecting with that force or power behind the universe that I call God or love and immersing myself in that feeling. I then spend a good part of the rest of the day connecting with others and "giving away" that feeling. I also enjoy several periods of solitude during the day. As I mentioned today, the balance between these activities changes each day. There are some days that I interact with others little or not at all. This is all quite a change from the way I used to be.

Connection

I spend the majority of each day in close connection with that force or power behind the universe that I call God or love. I generally feel like I am in partnership with that power, though I am very aware that I am only the actor and that my partner is all knowing and a great deal more powerful. I simply follow my partners lead and do what I am told. I feel the power most strongly when I get up in the middle of the night to pray and meditate and also when I work with others, both of which I do daily. Today Maria, my wife, commented that it was like "dancing with a thousand pound gorilla", a very apt description.