Holiday Season

Today in our recovery meeting we talked about getting through the holiday season with minimal stress and no drinking. I realized that I now enjoy the holiday season, which for me usually includes some fellowship, gratitude, a feeling of love for all things, periods of peaceful solitude and no gift giving or drinking. What I just described is quite a change from how the holidays used to be for me and represents years of change. There was a period when I just did not do holidays, realizing that they caused me stress. I now enjoy the community and feeling of gratitude.

Grief & Gratitude

Today I was grieving the loss of the close friend I spoke of yesterday. The aspect that was notable about the grieving process was that I chose to just experience it and let it be rather than trying to distract myself or push through it. I was in an indecisive fog most of the day, mixed with periods of gratitude for my life. I just took it easy, did not make any major decisions, paid some bills and did some cooking, just general life stuff. When I comment that I was in an indecisive fog what I mean is that I did not care enough about what seemed like the little matters of life to make any decisions about them and I was good with that.

A Sacred Time

When I was nine or ten the city I was living in was periodically spraying the local trees with, what I now know to be DDT. All I knew at that age was that they were using "big orange trucks" and that their spraying was killing the insect eating birds (I did tell my parents what was happening but was dismissed since I was a child and had no proof). At that time, my family and I had a reputation of rescuing baby or injured animals. After one such round of spraying a neighbor woman brought a sick robin to me and asked me to care for it. Because of its symptoms I knew the bird had been poisoned and would die. I told the woman that the bird would be fine. After the woman left I put the bird out of its misery saying "go in peace little bird". This afternoon I had the privilege of sitting and praying with a woman who was about to die and what I kept thinking and said to her was "go in peace little bird". I then introduced her to the loving and welcoming spirits in the room that I could feel but not see. She died a short time later. The whole process was quite an honor.

Difficult Times

With friends having trying times, getting serious illnesses and dying I find it hard to keep a peaceful or even joyful view of life. From my own experiences and the resultant growth I have realized that life on this planet is frequently difficult, but ultimately leads to feelings of love, peace, gratitude and compassion. In my own life I have found true what Walsch says, that "For each circumstance is a gift, and in each experience is hidden a treasure." I have also come to realize that as Jampolsky says "death is a transition". I also go through the very human feelings of loss and grief.

Gratitude

My main activity today was preparing a six gallon batch of chili and then freezing it in quart containers. I cook it myself in order to use no preservatives, no added sugar, minimal salt and some local and organic ingredients. Food preparation is important to me and I feel a lot of gratitude for the ingredients and all of the work of various people in getting the food to my kitchen. I also met with one person and had a quiet, reflective day otherwise.

Letting Go

I am finding that I am developing some clarity about my next step as far as my main occupation, which has been a mental health therapist and is becoming an author. I am also finding, not surprisingly, that I wish to hold on to my past. There are signs in my life that it may be time to let go and move on, even if I do not feel ready yet. My history is that I tend to hold on too long. We shall see!

Guidance

I am in the early stages of setting up a panel discussion of my book, Three Simple Questions: Being in the World, But Not of It. I am not comfortable with activities that promote myself or my book, so setting up such a discussion is out of my comfort zone, though it feels like the right thing to do. I am also in the midst of significant life changes. In other words, much of my life is up in the air right now. I am "lost in a trackless desert", as Green says of a life of prayer. My position is ideal since I have given up attachments and am ready to listen and act accordingly. My position is also a bit uncomfortable in that there is a total lack of known and familiar signposts. It’s time to pray, ask for guidance, meditate and have faith!

Acting Out Of Love

I would like to live in a world of peace, love and interconnectedness and will do everything I can to promote that. As a species we are not there yet but moving in that direction, slowly. The most effective actions I can take to promote that are to act out of love and refuse to act out of fear. For example, I have written my book and contribute to several causes because they contribute to that loving interconnectedness. I also get fear based mail or hear news reports that say basically that some sort of disaster will happen if I do not act immediately The messages are fear based and meant to increase the clamor in my head so I meditate to clear the clamor, do not open the mail and turn off the radio. If I am put in a position where action on one of these causes is required of me, then I act, otherwise most situations are not my business. My primary and most effective responsibility whether interacting with others or raking leaves, is to act and think out of love and interconnectedness.

Following A Spiritual Path

I realize that it is not a popular concept but, as I point out in my book, following a spiritual path is often unpleasant and difficult, though the results are well worth it. The difficulty stems from the fact that staying on the path requires a great deal of introspection and discipline. It is also necessary to give up attachments to things within the created order and much ego involvement. In many cases following the guidance of a teacher or guide is needed. I have had to do everything I just described and continue with everything except having a teacher, at this time. As a result I have a wonderful life, feel a strong love for everything and everybody and consider my extensive physical problems to be an inconvenience.

Love

According to what I have been told during meditation, my daily experience and my observation of daily living, the purpose of life is to grow in love. This idea has also been suggested by many spiritual leaders in the past. That growth has certainly taken place in my own life., moving from hurt and anger to love I would like that process to be a beautiful field of clover, always pleasant to behold and travel through, and much of it has been. However, some of the life process for me has not been pleasant though the results have been wonderful.