Forgiveness

Through the process of being alive and growing towards love I have done many hurtful, destructive, negative actions toward myself and others. I have also experienced those actions being done to me. I have gone through a process of first becoming aware of those negative actions and then forgiving them. Those actions were simply the product of doing my best at the time, and not knowing better. Finally, using the idea of "Eternal Perfection" put forward by Williamson and my own similar meditative realization, I have become aware that there is nothing to forgive, we are all humans doing the best we can.

Life 2

Today was a quiet day of grieving for the death of my sister and recovery from a draining weekend. My sister had a cardiac arrest a little over a week ago, was in a coma and died a few days ago. I suspect that her spirit is now glad to be free of the constraints of a physical body. It is time for me to feel the loss. I have felt angry, sad and a bit depressed, not particularly pleasant but part of life and it’s good to be alive.

Connections

I just got back from the retreat weekend I led. The weekend went very well & I am exhausted. I will be taking it easy for the next few days. The theme for the weekend was "connections" and we also talked a lot about the possibility of my moving. I used a variety of exercises from my book to give them experiences of connecting to everything and everybody. We worked with everything from grains of sand and shell fragments through birds and other living things. Everyone cooperated and many wonderful things were experienced.

Retreat

Today and tonight I am making some last minute preparations for the spiritual retreat I will be leading for the next four days. The location is a small, simple house next to the Sea of Cortez in Mexico. It will be an intense period and a lot of work, but also exhilarating at times. I particularly enjoy being and meditating by the ocean during the hours around dawn - a sacred time for me.

Life

I just found out that my older sister is in the hospital, in intensive care, in a coma and under life support. They are doing tests to determine brain function and the doctors do not expect her to live. We are not very close but there is a definite love bond there and she is the last living member of my family, other than myself. Using the love-based side of myself (peace, connectedness, abundance and inclusiveness), which I mentioned yesterday, I experience and am open to the feelings of grief while also knowing that "the universe is unfolding as it should", meaning feeling good about life.

Choice

I have a choice between two very different sides to my personality or consciousness, either of which can motivate my daily actions. One side, which is largely fear-based, believes in things like anger, aggression, scarcity, separateness and competition. I spent many years operating out of that side and I am very aware of what that feels like and how true this side seems when living it. The other side, which is largely love based, believes things like peace, connectedness, abundance and inclusiveness. This side also feels quite true when living it and is much more enjoyable, less anxiety producing and more fulfilling.

Pain & Difficulties

Life is often difficult, a struggle or downright painful, as has been pointed out many times by various authors and spiritual leaders. I have certainly struggled and had some painful times. Taking a Buddhist approach, my efforts are to simply "be with" the pain or struggle, neither attaching to it like a badge of courage, trying to deny it or pushing it away. I am very much aware of the possibility mentioned by Newton that "Pain in life is especially insidious because it can block the healing power of our souls, especially if we have not accepted what is happening to us as a preordained trial." If I listen to what the pain is "telling" me and go where it is leading me, I generally end up with greater love, compassion and an improved spiritual connection. I make an effort to keep in mind that "Part of a spirit’s mission is to evolve through learning and growth. Some of this growth comes from the love, pain and physical experiences of the material world, which is why spirits incarnate into human form." (Anthony).

Change

Today I was very aware of the potential changes taking place in my life right now (where I live and what I do). It’s a strange time for me since Maria and I are preparing emotionally, but, in fact, nothing concrete has happened. We each feel it’s time to move on but we know nothing beyond that. In the past I have resisted change and continued with my life long past when it was time to move on. This time I am not doing that, so it feels awkward.

Inner Peace

The main reason I wrote my book is that I would like to see and be a part of a cultural shift away from material things and worldly success toward love and things of the spirit. I have found to be true what Williamson and many spiritual leaders have found, that "Love is the only absolute reality, which never changes and never dies. Dwelling in that which does not change, while things around us are changing all the time, is our key to inner peace." A belief in material things and worldly success leads to stress. I would like to see more of a sense of inner peace.

Understanding Is Not Required

In my recovery community, belief and reliance on a God of our own understanding is stressed, a flexibility that I understand and appreciate. I have a very close relationship and total reliance on a force or power I call God. However, I do not understand that power, cannot define it and I do not know its scope of influence and I am good with that. Part of my history is an extensive training in biological science on the way to gaining a Ph.D. During that training I learned that if I could name, define and understand some aspects of something, that understanding gave me a sense of control. I do not wish to impose that on my sense of God.