Grief & Gratitude

This evening, at my recovery meeting, I really got in touch with how angry and sad I am about my sister’s recent death together with a strong feeling of gratitude that I found my way out of the personal hell she never found her way out of. We each had a lot of hurt, anger and depression from being raised in a moderately violent alcoholic home, resulting in poor life choices. We also each had our own problems with drugs and alcohol, which I worked through and she did not. We had each created our own very painful jail cell. In my case I found a recovery program, did a lot of introspection, journaling, used prayer, meditation and service work to get out of that cell.

Change 2

I have been reading The Gift Of Change: Spiritual Guidance for Living Your Best Life, by Marianne Williamson, which has seemed very appropriate since many things in my life are in the process of change right now. She talks about change within various aspects of life and the fact that part of us is fearful and generally resists change. She calls that the "ego" and differentiates that part from the love or faith-based part. The ego in me is loud, self-serving and leads me to fear and obsession, while the love part is relatively quiet, peaceful and oriented at the greater good. I prefer the love part.

Uncertainty

Today I have been seriously wondering why it is that I do not worry about things that are happening in the world around me, or even to me. For example, right now I am planning to leave Flagstaff, where I have lived for 23 years, and move to Maryland. I will be leaving people I love, I have not sold my house, I do not know where I will live or what I will do. I spend my days wondering about those things, but I do not worry or seek resolution, figuring that all will become clear in time. All I have to do is pray, meditate, listen and stay humble, simple but not always easy.

The River of Change

These last several days I have been very aware of what was said in a Hopi prophesy out of Oraibi many years ago; "There is a river flowing now very fast. It is so great and swift that there are those who will be afraid. They will try to hold onto the shore. They will feel they are being torn apart, and they will suffer greatly. Know the river has its destination." In my case "holding on to the shore" means being attached to conditions as they are and resisting change rather than going with the flow. Holding on causes stress.

Change

As part of my preparation for moving, a possibility which now seems a certainty, I have told several people that I love them and will miss them. I have also realized that, having given and shown them the importance of love and spirituality, it may be time for them to develop on their own. If they make that choice they may actually become stronger in my absence. The thought that occurred to me earlier today was "take what you have learned from me and run with it". Many years ago I was inspired by several people, I changed toward love and then passed it on, now it is their turn to do the same.

Trust In The Process 2

On the one hand, I watch my life go by with a sense of wonder, enjoyment, laughter at my silliness and the realization that everything is unfolding just fine. Fortunately those ideas predominate. On the other hand I am aware that my brain fabricates whispers of worries about money and various other logistics. As long as I pray, meditate, listen, stay humble and act accordingly, everything works out amazingly well.

Trusting The Process

Events are unfolding that support Maria’s & my notion of moving back east for health reasons and to be of service, primarily to carry the messages of love and spirituality. For example; we wanted to sell our truck & we now have five people that want to buy it, we needed to sell our house and a couple approached us wanting to buy it and it has now become clear that we are to move to MD near Maria’s mother. I have also been concerned about finances and it turns out that her siblings may help, if necessary. The message I get when I meditate is to pay attention, trust my intuition, be grateful and continue to float down the river of life.

Life And Change

I have a very strong tendency to view the coming changes and move as potential chores or duties, like going against the current of the river of my life. In fact, much of my life has felt like a chore or challenge. It is best for me to realize that my own internal conflicts were the reason that my life was a challenge and that overcoming those conflicts was my growth. If I let go of those conflicts the coming changes and move become adventures that are exciting and fun. I just need to pay attention, be grateful and float down the river, enjoying the scenery.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is part of the way of life that I am promoting. I have been wrongly treated many times in my life and I don’t want anyone to feel the way I felt at those times. Part of me wanted revenge but I have also come to realize that "hate and anger corrode the container they are in", so in order to attain relief I needed to move toward love and peace, not violence. It has helped me to realize that people don’t hurt other people unless they have been hurt themselves. It has also helped to realize that we all contain a God/love seed or part and we can learn to act from that part. Acting out of love feels a lot better than acting out of anger.

Power Of Love 2

Because of the facts I spoke of yesterday, I am promoting a way of life that emphasizes the importance and roles of spirituality and love. In my case I changed my focus from worldly things to spirituality and love with the result of greater fulfillment and changes in the way I treat other people and things, which is why I wrote my book. As I indicated yesterday, a focus of love impacts on what we know as reality. It now seems likely that I will be promoting that way of life back east around D.C. and MD where the emphasis is very different, and that makes me uneasy.