Dealing With Life

Part of my disability is that I am overly reactive. This gets expressed in extreme reflexes and also extreme emotional reactions to life’s situations, both fueled by an exaggerated physiological (stress) response. I also have a long standing anxiety disorder, complicating the situation. The increased energy I mentioned two days ago add to the difficulty and, as I said at that time " The feeling/energy is intense and hard to cope with". I have not learned to deal with it yet and today I overreacted to a simple phone call and having Maria take the call. I need to keep in mind that "Nothing matters very much and very few things matter at all". Love and my relationship matter ........ the call does not.

Balance

Yesterday I spoke of the God/love energy that is within me and today I, once again, got in touch with that very human fear of becoming all I can be. The God/love part of me is "absolute" and only has the very positive feelings of unconditional love. On the other hand, I became aware that my human fears of my own capabilities and the world’s reaction to them are based on the ever changing, fragile dualities common to the human condition. By dualities I mean situations like the mixed or conflicted feelings of being my best and making people angry, jealous or envious. Today I could feel the difference of switching back and forth from the absolute of God/love to the dualities of being human. I am trying to allow both and balance them.

The Love Or God Seed

Today I was very aware of the increased God/love energy that is within me and results from prayer and performing actions that "feed" my love or God seed. The feeling/energy is intense and hard to cope with. I also keep thinking of the phrase "you’ll get used to it", that I was told many years ago. I’m definitely not used to it yet, though some of my activities help me deal with it. The activities that work best are actions like the dawn ceremony and blessings I do. In general it helps to do actions that "increase the integrity of the universe", like I mention in my book.

Increasing The Integrity Of The Universe

The last few days have been a time of working out worldly things like a new phone, shopping and working on our new house before moving in. For all of the activities Maria and I both focus on being a positive force in the interactions involved, even when the interactions are not going the way we planned. For example, yesterday I went to a dealer to get some service for my phone and nothing worked out so I laughed, joked and found out what I needed to do. I did those things today and took care of my phone. I was pleased with how I handled that situation since I got the job done and everyone felt good in the process. I contributed to the integrity of the universe.

Silence

Maria and I attended a Friend’s (Quaker) meeting this morning and, as usual, I chose not to speak. Maria and several others did speak briefly, having felt a calling to do so. I remained silent and instead blessed everyone there and radiated a powerful feeling of love, peace, joy, forgiveness and gratitude. I wondered why I felt no calling to speak, but later realized that it was more important for the people to feel the feeling s of "The Light" which I radiated, rather than any specific words I could have said.

Love

For me, in my life, love changes everything. The love I am speaking of is both a feeling and the actions due to that feeling, directed at everything and everybody. The feeling is an overwhelming mixture of gratitude, compassion, connection and joy. That love also includes the more negative emotions like jealousy and other forms of self-centered fear that seem to be part of the human condition. However, for me, those negative feelings are mere shadows in the presence of the positive ones. That feeling impacts my health, the way I treat my body, the way I treat everything and everybody else, the way I drive my car, etc.

Being At Peace

I feel at peace right now in spite of the chaos and anxiety all around me in this time of leading up to the presidential election. The peace results from knowing that regardless of the outcome of the election, the earth and its inhabitants will be fine - in the eternal sense. We may go through an unpleasant period but ultimately life will be good. I feel confident in saying that because of my meditation on the subject as well as the fact that I have been through many hard times leading to a good life, in the present..

Blessing

Tonight Maria and I attended a Friend’s meeting. There were only five of us at the meeting. The meeting consisted of one hour of quiet meditation, allowing the presence of spirit, with one of us speaking very briefly. I used the time to invoke the spirit and bless everyone there including the unseen spirits in the church. Everyone felt the blessing and the strength of the presence of "The light", each in his or her own way. It was a very moving time for all of us.

Discerning

In my book, Three Simple Questions: Being in the World, But Not of It, I present three questions to consider when planning any sort of activity. The questions are: would I do this in front of God, or whatever you call that power/force?; is my name really on it or is it really my responsibility?; will this increase the integrity of the universe, or is this loving? I also present several meditative and contemplative practices to help a person answer those questions. The practices I suggest are ones that I use, and they do indeed provide a great deal of guidance. There is also a level of uncertainty in what I suggest since there is no dogma or hard and fast rules. I keep in mind what Shepherd Hoodwin says that "Love has a quality you can learn to discern. It 'feels right'. It is truthful and inclusive. There is no objective measurement to confirm that you are experiencing love. You can only trust your intuition and do your best. If you do, your capacity to discern love will grow. We are all learning this skill."

Meditation and Contemplation

I did take it easy today, cooking, writing, some exercise and a lot of meditation and contemplation. It felt very good and I feel good as a result. I did send out another "query" letter, trying to convince a literary agent to represent me. Overall, my life process feels right to me - but I have no idea where it will lead. The best I can do is to stay present and aware through meditation and contemplation.