Going With The Flow

Today, while carrying out my day-to-day activities I was aware that I love humanity and enjoy being human, though, simultaneously, I admit that putting up with my body is difficult at times. I take delight in watching other people go through varied emotions. A few days ago I got in my car only to realize that I did not have my keys, then I quickly became confident that I knew where they were. I went to fetch them and found out they were not there - confidence rapidly switched to panic. My feeling then switched to relief since I realized that my wife picked them up and called her to verify. What a roller coaster of feelings over something so trivial. Th4 word of Kornfield come to mind; "Sooner or later we have to learn to let go and allow the changing mystery of life to move through us without our fearing it, without holding and grasping."

Being Present

I seem to be in a learning-growing mode, which seems reasonable having recently moved from AZ to MD. I may be preparing myself for the next phase, whatever that will be. I find myself being very attentive, present and doing a lot of meditation/contemplation. I tend to see God/love everywhere I look and am reminded of the comments of Meister Eckhart; "A man should receive God in all things and train his mind to keep God ever present in his mind, in his aims and in his love. Note how you regard God: keep the same attitude that you have in church or in your cell, and carry it with you in the crowd and in unrest and inequality.....In your acts you should have an equal mind and equal faith and equal love for your God.....If you were equal-minded in this way, then no man could keep you from having God ever present."

Balance

Having gone to the doctor, something I dread, I decided to relax and do nothing constructive for the rest of the day. The reason that I don’t like to go to the doctor is that their training and focus is on pathology while my focus is on health and healing. Both approaches are necessary for a balanced view. However, I do not look good through the eyes of pathology and I cannot let that block or impede my approach, which I tend to do. Looking at me through the eyes of pathology is depressing, but also very real on some level. Looking at me exclusively through the eyes of health and healing can be unrealistic. A balanced approach is called for. I ended up not relaxing for the rest of the day. I also went to a recovery meeting, did some gardening and paperwork.

Reaction

I read the paper (now the Washington Post) or listen to the news and the human part of me feels very reactive, angry, disturbed and upset. I don’t like what we humans are doing to each other or this planet. I keep thinking back to Williamson’s comment that "We will be given every opportunity to learn through joy, and when we deny ourselves that, we will learn through pain. But we will learn." I then pray, meditate and realize that everything is just fine, that the universe is in divine order. I also realize that reacting will not help the situation but that acting out of love, understanding and compassion will.

God Seed

One of the truths that I have encountered during the spiritual journey mentioned yesterday is that each of us has what I call the "God Seed" inside. That seed has also been referred to as that "small quiet voice" or the God connection. It is the part of us that always acts out of love (not fear and ego) and knows the right thing to do. As I say in my book it is there "no matter how despicable a person seems on the surface". People act out of that part if they feel love and are in a loving environment. It is my hope that our president begins acting out of that part. He would need very firm boundaries and direction but he could begin acting for the greater good, rather than his own ego. Protests, sarcasm, criticism and judgment will not get that result, love might.

Spiritual Connection

I have a very strong, direct and open connection with that power or force I call God. That connection is described well in the words of Dubay, S.M. "A mystical touch is a deep, intimate contact-union-experience of God in one of His attributes such as power, light, goodness, beauty, or joy." He goes on to say "Immersion in God entails a being filled with Him, a divine inflowing. Biblical men knew well enough that this self-communication of God is the sole destiny of men." I developed my connection since it was the only thing I found to help me in dealing with and overcoming many of the physical, spiritual and emotional aspects of my disability. Having developed that connection, I have encountered the same truths described by mystics and spiritual leaders. That connection has also saved my life several times.

Mandala

Several years ago I made a mandala which was created to symbolize me and my part of the universe and it still does today - very powerfully. It is circular, about 14 inches across with an outer perimeter of juniper twigs. Within the twigs is a background of deer skin with a central tuft of bear fur. Above the bear fur is a point (arrow head) that I was given. Attached to the fur are several feathers of songbirds, hummingbirds, hawks and eagle. All of these animals have been big parts of my spiritual journey. A coyote tail is hanging from the circle symbolizing the jokester, somewhat anti-social, trickster part of me. It is a very good meditative tool and reminder of my path and past.

Following A Spiritual Path

My wife and I began unpacking and distributing our paintings, photographs and accumulated art objects today. Each of the objects symbolize part of our history and who we are today. For example there is a beautiful black and white photo of Mount Humphries in Flagstaff, one of the sacred peaks of the Navajo and Hopi. That mountain and what it represents changed my life. The mountain was a big part of my sweat lodge experience where a Native American man approached me and told me "The spirits want you to build a lodge and the Navajo elders approve". A Navajo elder built that lodge and that action was a "song that began to sing me" as Sue Monk Kidd puts it in what she wrote "You create a path of your own by looking within yourself and listening to your soul, cultivating your own ways of experiencing the sacred, and then practicing it. Practicing until you make it a song that sings you." Up until then I was more or less a normal white boy.

Being Rather Than Doing

My wife and I just returned from our mid-week visit with her family and during the visit it occurred to me that they had very little idea of what I’m about, my life. They are "doers", meaning that they focus on doing things and completing tasks. My focus is on "being", enjoying the process and my life in general. For example with my cooking I enjoy the process of creating and being with the food as it forms. I also enjoy the final result and eating. The fact is that I don’t do much - just what is in front of me. I strive to stay present. I am not interested in trying to convince others of the value of what I do.

Dealing With Pain & Disability

The reason that being disabled and having chronic pain does not usually bother me is that there is no self for it to "stick" to. I identify more with the eternal, "I am", part not my transitory, physical body. As Nisargadata puts it "Get to know that "I am" without words which arises in the morning. Knowing the Self, abiding in the Self-knowledge, is not a mere intellectual knowing. You must be that, and you should not move away from it. Remain firm." At times, like when I am very tired, I do identify with my transitory, physical body and at those times I feel my pain more acutely and become very aware of my lack of coordination.