I Am

Several times each day, especially when being of service to another being, I become and act out of the "I am" portion of myself, that part of me that is connected to and part of God. I become filled with explosive, loving power. I like the analogy of being a drop of water in the ocean. I am the ocean and a drop at the same time. At those times, my separate self will is gone and there is only the will of God. In the words of Saint Faustina Kowalska "Neither graces, nor revelations, nor raptures, nor gifts granted to a soul make it perfect, but rather the intimate union of the soul with God. These gifts are merely ornaments of the soul, but constitute neither its essence nor its perfection. My sanctity and perfection consist in the close union of my will with the will of God. God never violates our free will. It is up to us whether we want to receive God’s grace or not. It is up to us whether we will cooperate with it or waste it."

Spiritual Growth

Today was a very mixed day in terms of my feelings. My activities were primarily ordinary. During the day I played the parts of both the actor and the observer, ending up with a feeling of gratitude for the day. I began the day with exercise, then grocery shopping and then spent most of the day cooking a large batch of tasty spaghetti sauce, all activities that challenge me physically and I am grateful I can do at all. With all of these activities I watched myself going through a mixture of feelings. For example, awareness of the risks of high speed driving, appreciation for the humor of the check out women or concern over the taste of the sauce, all very human feelings. Finally we had fewer trick-or-treaters than expected so I watched myself go through some feelings of disappointment. The path of humanity and my very human feelings is convoluted! In the words of Gilbert Kilpack; "To resign one’s self to the fact that one must travel much in the dark and be greatly sifted and tossed about is an inevitable step in the way of spiritual growth."

Thoughts

I have very little memory of my education up through the middle of high school when some teachers were creative enough to consider and explore my potential by having me teach and tutor the other students in what they wanted me to learn. Until then the teachers considered me less than average so I was bored, restless and had no interest in what they were teaching. I assumed they were right about my level of intelligence, though I also knew something was wrong with that assumption. In fairness to those early teachers, I was a stubborn, self-willed, extremely unconventional puzzlement who had no interest in showing them my potential. No-one could reach me, but then no-one tried during those years. I still tend to under-rate myself. "There are many territories of imagination and many strange regions of emotion that we may not enter without throwing our sanity into question: Until we cross some borders, we are likely to remain rational, banal, boring, bored. A major concern of any therapeutic psychology should be to help an individual lose identity." (Sam Keen and Anne Valley-Fox)

Guidance

Most commonly, when I get up in the middle of the night to pray and meditate, I ask for guidance concerning the coming day being careful to listen primarily to messages that are loving and "other" directed rather than guidance that would bolster my own ego. Jesus once said "you will know me by my fruits" and "The fruits of the Spirit have been translated as ‘love, joy, peace, kindness, goodness, trustfulness, gentleness and self-control’" (Galatians 5:23 NJB). Following such guidance will "increase the integrity of the universe", as I suggest in my book. The guidance is usually to act selflessly, lovingly and to do the next right thing. Loring comments that "It requires even more discernment to discover whether the ministry called for from a particular individual in a particular instance requires prophetic speech, humble and hidden activities, bold and dramatic action, professional service or some, novel and previously unimagined course."

Practice

When I get up in the middle of the night to pray and meditate rather than focusing on my breath in order to bring me into the present, I focus on the intense, physical sensation of unconditional love, a warm glow just below my heart center. I was shown this feeling many years ago during a near-death-experience and now carry a lesser degree of it with me during the day. At night I let the feeling grow and then use that feeling as my starting point for healing, spirit communication or just reviewing that day’s events. I consider it a gift from God, Love or the Absolute. "There are, says the saint [St. John of the Cross], encounters with God such that the devil cannot possibly counterfeit them, nor can one’s imagination create them. Some are so indelibly imprinted in the center of one’s being that they can neither be described nor forgotten."

Self Care

For the last couple of days I have been taking a break from my work with spirits in order to focus on meeting my own needs. For the last few days I have just been doing very "earthly" things like exercising, cooking, yard work and napping. That felt right and I needed a break. I have also been doing a lot of prayer, meditation and asking for guidance. The comments of Elizabeth Ostrander Sutton come to mind: "I cannot create when I choose the path that separates me from God. But when I consent, I soar for I have opened the door of creation." I continue on my path.

Perfection

I wrote yesterday about the disillusionment I typically have gone through in uncovering my own "frailties and weaknesses" followed by my joy at cherishing them as part of me. The human view is that any weakness is a sign of imperfection, that perfection means no frailties and weaknesses. I now understand that this view is flawed and that God’s view is that each of us is perfect within our own imperfections. In the words of Anthony De Mello, "God weaves perfect designs with the threads of our lives," he said. "Even with our sins. We can’t see this because we’re looking at the reverse side of the tapestry."

Awareness

For decades now I have been seeking, learning and growing, quite a process. In most (all?) cases I go through idealized ideas toward disillusion, increased awareness and joy. I had an idealized view of what it was to be human and Charlie followed by introspection, alcoholism, disability and, finally, joy and fulfillment. During my path I stumbled across numerous frailties and weaknesses that I now cherish as parts of me. I have gone through a similar process and sequence with my beliefs about Native Americans, believing them to be very spiritual, discovering their humanness and coming to embrace the whole picture. I am now going through the same process regarding the world of spirits. "Jesus said, ‘Let the one who seeks not stop seeking until he finds. When he finds he will become troubled; when he becomes troubled, he will be astonished and will rule over all things.’" (gospel of Thomas)

Solution?

Yesterday I wrote about Parker J. Palmer’s comment in Healing The Heart Of Democracy: The Courage To Create a Politics Worthy of the Human Spirit that it is important to resolve the tension or conflict inherent in the democratic process with heart or love. He also quotes Benjamin Friedman as saying "When material progress falters........people become more jealous of their status relative to others. Anti-immigrant sentiment typically increases, as does conflict between races and classes; concern for the poor tends to decline." Well, material progress has faltered and Friedman’s words have come true. I believe that the solution to this situation is something like the spiritual and loving approach I write about in my book, Three Simple Questions: Being in the World, But Not of It and I will do what I can to promote it.

Resolving Conflict

Today I met with a reading group I belong to. We are reading Healing The Heart Of Democracy: The Courage To Create a Politics Worthy of the Human Spirit, by Parker J. Palmer. He writes about the importance of resolving tension or conflict with "heart" or, I would say, with love and I agree. I readily admit that resolving tension in this way requires effort, focus and attention but it also results in joy and, often, togetherness. As Williamson points out "God never loses His enthusiasm for life and neither should we." She also comments about resolving tension in this way when she writes "Seeing the light and then living in the light, we will ultimately become masters at the power it bestows."