Discernment

Many years ago, during a sweat lodge ceremony, I prayed for discernment, the "ability to be attuned to authentic movements of the Spirit". I was seeking to be able to determine my "next right move" and to disentangle that action from earthly attachments or desires for "money, power & prestige". I was granted that gift if I quiet my mind, connect with the Absolute and listen, carefully. I have come to agree with Patricia Loring when she wrote "To undertake to live a discerned life, to endeavor daily to be attuned to authentic movements of the Spirit leading us into greater fullness of life, is a strenuous undertaking." She also wrote that "It requires even more discernment to discover whether the ministry called for from a particular individual in a particular instance requires prophetic speech, humble and hidden activities, bold and dramatic action, professional service or some, novel and previously unimagined course." Recently, I have been spending a large amount of time and energy in working with spirits, largely "humble and hidden activities", which most people know nothing about and some would say was only in my imagination. I am now planning to begin, once again, to attempt to get a literary agent and promote my writing, which will require "bold and dramatic action", as well as some "professional service". It feels right and we shall see where the path leads.

Listening

I am not so concerned about the specifics of the political choices and decisions being made, but I would like to see decisions based on Love and compassion rather than hurt, fear and anger. I do not yet know how to accomplish it but I would like to see decisions based on something like the three questions which are the central focus of my book: Would I do this in front of God, or whatever you call that power/force?; Is my name really on it or is it really my responsibility?; Will this increase the integrity of the universe, or is this loving? In order for me to determine how to accomplish this I connect with that Loving force, the Absolute, through meditation and listen. I need not ask, for if the answer is meant to come - it will. "Seek not for faith to move mountains. Seek God first. Perhaps the mountains do not need moving, perhaps He will lift you up above the mountains which may be better than moving them ....... Seek not power, not even power to do great deeds. Seek God and Him alone, and power will flow from you in ways and times which are hidden from you."

Prayer and Meditation

I have been working with spirits and also people who are in the process of dealing with terminal illnesses. I am clear that I do not know what the outcome will be in any of these cases, that the outcome is not up to me. I often have the feelings of being lost and over my head, though I suspect I am doing well. I keep asking for guidance and doing the next right thing. I use a lot of prayer, meditation and proceed slowly. "The life of prayer is perhaps the most mysterious dimension of all human experience. We come to be at home with a God we cannot see. We discover that it is only by giving ourselves away totally that we truly come to possess ourselves, that we are most free when most surrendered. We begin to realize that light is darkness and darkness light. We become lost in a trackless desert — and then, if we persevere despite our disorientation, we begin to realize that it is only being lost, in losing ourselves, that we are found. The whole of our life and not just our prayer life, becomes a paradox, an apparent contradiction concealing and revealing a deeper truth, because we begin to realize that we must live as we pray" (Thomas H. Green, S.J.)

I Am, explained

Yesterday I wrote of the "I am" portion of myself, the part that is connected to and part of God. That part of me has an acute awareness of worldly things and happenings but very little attachment to what goes on. When I succeed in living through that part, I have increased capabilities, joy and my life is very fulfilling. I am still exploring and expanding that. It is important to note that, as I explain in my book, everyone has that part in them. It is an expansion and development of "that small quiet voice" and if a person listens to and acts on it and it will become stronger. As the spiritual leader Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj said "Get to know that "I am" without words which arises in the morning. Knowing the Self, abiding in the Self-knowledge, is not a mere intellectual knowing. You must be that, and you should not move away from it. Remain firm." He also commented on our connection to the Absolute or God by saying: "There is only one state, not two. When the "I amness" is there, in that consciousness you will have many experiences, but the "I am" and the Absolute are not two. In the Absolute the "I amness" comes and then the experience takes place. In the Absolute there is no individuality, no memory that I am this or that, but there is continual stirring."

I Am

Several times each day, especially when being of service to another being, I become and act out of the "I am" portion of myself, that part of me that is connected to and part of God. I become filled with explosive, loving power. I like the analogy of being a drop of water in the ocean. I am the ocean and a drop at the same time. At those times, my separate self will is gone and there is only the will of God. In the words of Saint Faustina Kowalska "Neither graces, nor revelations, nor raptures, nor gifts granted to a soul make it perfect, but rather the intimate union of the soul with God. These gifts are merely ornaments of the soul, but constitute neither its essence nor its perfection. My sanctity and perfection consist in the close union of my will with the will of God. God never violates our free will. It is up to us whether we want to receive God’s grace or not. It is up to us whether we will cooperate with it or waste it."

Spiritual Growth

Today was a very mixed day in terms of my feelings. My activities were primarily ordinary. During the day I played the parts of both the actor and the observer, ending up with a feeling of gratitude for the day. I began the day with exercise, then grocery shopping and then spent most of the day cooking a large batch of tasty spaghetti sauce, all activities that challenge me physically and I am grateful I can do at all. With all of these activities I watched myself going through a mixture of feelings. For example, awareness of the risks of high speed driving, appreciation for the humor of the check out women or concern over the taste of the sauce, all very human feelings. Finally we had fewer trick-or-treaters than expected so I watched myself go through some feelings of disappointment. The path of humanity and my very human feelings is convoluted! In the words of Gilbert Kilpack; "To resign one’s self to the fact that one must travel much in the dark and be greatly sifted and tossed about is an inevitable step in the way of spiritual growth."

Thoughts

I have very little memory of my education up through the middle of high school when some teachers were creative enough to consider and explore my potential by having me teach and tutor the other students in what they wanted me to learn. Until then the teachers considered me less than average so I was bored, restless and had no interest in what they were teaching. I assumed they were right about my level of intelligence, though I also knew something was wrong with that assumption. In fairness to those early teachers, I was a stubborn, self-willed, extremely unconventional puzzlement who had no interest in showing them my potential. No-one could reach me, but then no-one tried during those years. I still tend to under-rate myself. "There are many territories of imagination and many strange regions of emotion that we may not enter without throwing our sanity into question: Until we cross some borders, we are likely to remain rational, banal, boring, bored. A major concern of any therapeutic psychology should be to help an individual lose identity." (Sam Keen and Anne Valley-Fox)

Guidance

Most commonly, when I get up in the middle of the night to pray and meditate, I ask for guidance concerning the coming day being careful to listen primarily to messages that are loving and "other" directed rather than guidance that would bolster my own ego. Jesus once said "you will know me by my fruits" and "The fruits of the Spirit have been translated as ‘love, joy, peace, kindness, goodness, trustfulness, gentleness and self-control’" (Galatians 5:23 NJB). Following such guidance will "increase the integrity of the universe", as I suggest in my book. The guidance is usually to act selflessly, lovingly and to do the next right thing. Loring comments that "It requires even more discernment to discover whether the ministry called for from a particular individual in a particular instance requires prophetic speech, humble and hidden activities, bold and dramatic action, professional service or some, novel and previously unimagined course."

Practice

When I get up in the middle of the night to pray and meditate rather than focusing on my breath in order to bring me into the present, I focus on the intense, physical sensation of unconditional love, a warm glow just below my heart center. I was shown this feeling many years ago during a near-death-experience and now carry a lesser degree of it with me during the day. At night I let the feeling grow and then use that feeling as my starting point for healing, spirit communication or just reviewing that day’s events. I consider it a gift from God, Love or the Absolute. "There are, says the saint [St. John of the Cross], encounters with God such that the devil cannot possibly counterfeit them, nor can one’s imagination create them. Some are so indelibly imprinted in the center of one’s being that they can neither be described nor forgotten."

Self Care

For the last couple of days I have been taking a break from my work with spirits in order to focus on meeting my own needs. For the last few days I have just been doing very "earthly" things like exercising, cooking, yard work and napping. That felt right and I needed a break. I have also been doing a lot of prayer, meditation and asking for guidance. The comments of Elizabeth Ostrander Sutton come to mind: "I cannot create when I choose the path that separates me from God. But when I consent, I soar for I have opened the door of creation." I continue on my path.