Clarity

When I meditate, contemplate or connect I aspire to be a clear and open channel, meaning I have worked through and given up the parts of my personality that cloud or color my perceptions. In the past I have had many judgements, desires, fantasies, illusions and attachments, like my beliefs around the importance of my intellect. One by one I have witnessed their importance to me and given them up in favor of my being a clear not clouded mirror, an arduous process which continues. "To get we must also give, to advance we must also surrender, to gain we must lose, to attain we must resign. From the nature of things life means choice and selection, and every positive choice negates all other possibilities." (Rufus Jones)

Clarity

Part of the challenge in my work with spirits is that I have to be completely honest and at peace with who I really am, including all strengths, weaknesses, doubts and fantasies, since they can see "right through me". When working with them it is impossible to hide or present any sort of a false front. Fortunately I have worked through many of my own facades though they help me find new ones. I also am largely free of common religious symbols, metaphors and beliefs which could color or cloud my communications since I was raised without religion. "One by one we move beyond conceptions of ourselves, just as we pass beyond metaphors, symbols, and conceptions of God on the way into unmediated, unknowing, intimate relationship with the source of our being." (Patricia Loring)

Being Present

Several years ago Jack Kornfield commented that "When we let go of our battles and open our heart to things as they are, then we come to rest in the present moment This is the beginning and end of spiritual practice." For me today that meant being physically gentle on myself, going to a recovery meeting, doing the week’s grocery shopping and quietly meditating. These things were done in recognition of the fact that yesterday I exerted myself physically. He goes on to write "As we stop the war, each of us will find something from which we have been running -- our loneliness, our unworthiness, our boredom, our shame, our unfulfilled desires." After years of recovery and spiritual work, I find that feelings of unworthiness still pop up from inside me periodically. I really enjoy silence and being present for myself.

Gratitude

I mowed the front lawn today and tonight I feel like a creaky old man with soar muscles and joints. A few minutes ago I felt disappointed and a bit angry that I felt that way — and then I switched to realizing how lucky I was to be able bodied enough to mow the lawn in the first place or to even have a lawn that needed mowing. Being physically able given my condition is against all odds and I am extremely grateful. After a night’s sleep we shall see what tomorrow brings and act accordingly. For tonight I will eat dinner and rest, paying attention to the needs of my body. In this case, gratitude is a simple choice which changes nothing ...... except the way I feel. "Every circumstance------no matter how painful-----is a gauntlet thrown down by the universe, challenging us to become who we are capable of being." (Williamson)

Discernment

One of my areas of focus during my meditation and contemplation time each day is discerning my path or activities for that day and the immediate future, basically asking for guidance and then listening. In order to be able to listen I have to keep up with my self-care and get silent inside and out. I have to be in decent physical, emotional and spiritual condition in order to be able to listen. It is not unusual for one or more of these conditions to be out of balance, which certainly makes listening more difficult but not impossible (so far!). Being in decent condition and asking for guidance is my part, the rest is not up to me. "Discernment is a gift from God, not as a personal achievement. The gift is not the result of training, technique, or analysis. Like other gifts of God, its origin is mysterious and gratuitous." (Patricia Loring)

Choice

I attempt to follow what I consider a reasonable spirituality which is based on both evidence and heart. I have found love to be a powerful force which I choose to call God. That force has become a major and very practical part of my life, a life which is very fulfilling. I note that a large part of society is based on reductionism and logic with an absence of spirituality and/or love. I would like to see the balance shift in favor of love. "If we can resist the compulsive pressure of our logical thinking, without relinquishing our precious heritage of lucid thought; if we can hold our ground with our own hardly won ego personalities, yet bow our heads and say, 'Thy will not mine be done'; if we will but notice the reactions of our bodies; and heed the behaviour of the world towards us; if we can learn to listen to the voices within and to the whisper in the wind, with trust as well as with discrimination, we may be able to follow the road where the Rainmaker walks." (Irene Claremont deCastillejo)

Spiritual Life

Today was a relatively pleasant day with some effort and focus, connection with others, meditation, rain and solitude. I was alone most of the day which was peaceful. The day began with a couple of hours of exercise, which I do a lot of in order to remain functionally disabled. I also mentored a couple of people, went to a recovery meeting and spent around an hour in meditation. I kept thinking of Patricia Loring ‘s comment that "to undertake to live a discerned life, to endeavor daily to be attuned to authentic movements of the Spirit leading us into greater fullness of life, is a strenuous undertaking." That is certainly true in my case. It is best for me to always keep that in mind, with the exception of brief, two or three hour, periods of distraction, which also seem important for self-care. My life is very full and satisfying.

Spiritual Journey

I am experiencing an inner conflict as I continue to further "turn my life and will" over to God’s care and guidance. Internally I am shifting and a small part of me is resisting. I cannot put the shift into words using logic and reasoning but I can sense it happening. I have long viewed myself as the cabin boy on a beautiful ocean going several masted sailing ship which I own but God steers, determining where we go and what we do. Using this metaphor, God was like a partner and mostly in charge but the ship was still mine. The best I can do in explaining the current transition is that I no longer own the ship but am still a cabin boy. I simply follow. "One by one we move beyond conceptions of ourselves, just as we pass beyond metaphors, symbols, and conceptions of God on the way into unmediated, unknowing, intimate relationship with the source of our being." (Patricia Loring)

Connection

About seven years ago during my nightly meditation I would make my connection with God and immerse myself in a feeling of unconditional Love, an overwhelmingly strong feeling that I would always remember but leave behind when I came back from meditation. Then, one night the feeling stayed with me when I returned and I asked how I could function in the world feeling like that. I was told "you’ll get used to it", which has happened and I now like the feeling. This evening I watched one of the original James Bond movies to get a break from the intensity of my life, which was a very pleasant and absorbing distraction. I also notice that the, now familiar, feeling of Love and direct connection I just mentioned was also missing. It seems, at least for now, that I cannot have both, simultaneously. I involved myself in service work to get my connection back! "Few things — no things that I know of — are so completely and effectively restorative as the discovery that this World of the environing Spirit is verily closer to us than breathing and is charged with the resources of Life for which we pant." (Rufus Jones)

Choice

As I carry out my daily activities, described yesterday, I keep God/Love in the forefront and feel a sense of joy in all I do, though there is no logical reason for that joy or love. That is what I mean when I say I walk around in a "bubble of love". The feeling is very fulfilling and is available to anyone who will exert the necessary commitment and discipline. "He should learn to remain in God’s presence with a loving attention and a tranquil intellect", even though this seems like idleness to him. Soon he will find little by little that a "divine calm and peace with a wondrous, sublime knowledge of God, enveloped in divine love, will be infused into his soul". (St. John of the Cross)