Eternity

I was just meditating and when I do that I feel the Loving and powerful presence of God and I know that everything in the world is in divine order. Earlier in the day I was talking to someone about the rampant unethical practices that many business people employ and I was also reading in the Washington Post about some of the destructive practices and problems all over the world. Both are true. The first view being love based, eternal and the second being fear based, worldly. As a culture we have not "hit bottom" yet and decided to turn our behavior around. Personally, I have hit my bottom. I then decided to reverse my self-destructive, hurt, angry behavior and became more ethical, loving and service oriented. I am still working on it!

Holistic Healing

Five days ago I re-committed myself to further relaxing my jaw and since then I have focused on relaxing and done healing touch on my face, jaw, brain and upper spine. For some reason (possibly the relaxation), I have not bitten the inside of my cheek since then. I am aware that this is only the beginning of this effort and I wonder where it will lead. "But if I, as a physician, cure someone and aid him or her to become less vulnerable to that disease again, then I am a good doctor. But if I, as a doctor, cure someone, aid him or her to become less vulnerable to that disease, and help him or her to understand their place in the universe, then I am a healer." (Carl A. Hammerschlag, M.D.)

Spirits

Consciousness of the presence of spirits first happened for me back in 1994 and they have dramatically impacted my attitudes and actions since then. I serve as an example and now ask that they influence others similarly. Back in 1994 I did not believe in the presence of the spirit realm and would have dismissed any notion of it ---- so my first introduction came through a disreputable looking Native American who told me that the spirits came to him in dreams and that they wanted me to build a sweat lodge. He said they came to him rather than me because I would not listen. Four years later a Navajo family offered to build me a lodge which my wife and I conducted weekly for close to a decade. During the four years between my introduction to their presence and the construction of our lodge, I attended weekly sweat ceremonies and was visited by loving spirits that others could not see several times. I was also aware of some sort of negative entities which would leave me alone when I sent them love and asked them to leave. The difference was clear. "There are, says the saint (St. John), encounters with God such that the devil cannot possibly counterfeit them, nor can one’s imagination create them. Some are so indelibly imprinted in the center of one’s being that they can neither be described nor forgotten.

Spiritual Path

About thirty years ago, when I began to intentionally follow a spiritual path, I anticipated that following that path would consist of comfortably and joyfully encountering opportunities to grow and then doing so. I find instead that I feel "lost in a trackless desert" much of the time and that I keep encountering internal resistance. The resistance is there because spiritual growth often involves ego deflation, and my ego does not enjoy that. I also keep giving up worldly distraction like un-needed possessions or attachments. Just the same, I would have it no other way since the result are well worth it. "To get we must also give, to advance we must also surrender, to gain we must lose, to attain we must resign. From the nature of things life means choice and selection, and every positive choice negates all other possibilities." (Rufus Jones)

Spiritual Growth

I commented yesterday that " I am now in a position where I wish to relax my jaw more completely", meaning I now wish (plan?) to increase my physical recovery another step or two, with God’s guidance. I feel strongly that it is time and I will give my progress the effort and time which is needed. I am quite aware that using current medical knowledge what I just wrote is impossible and I have no clue as to why it is time. So tonight I feel in the dark and at a loss. I plan to keep deepening my spiritual connection anyway — where ever that takes me. "To resign one’s self to the fact that one must travel much in the dark and be greatly sifted and tossed about is an inevitable step in the way of spiritual growth." (Gilbert Kilpack)

Holistic Healing

In 2010 I was going through a period when I could not relax my jaw at all and it was in constant motion while awake and I even had to sleep in a position that held my jaw still. That is when I was diagnosed as having a jaw dystonia, which was quite a bit worse than it is today. I found that during deep meditation I could relax my jaw and I reasoned that I could carry that ability into when I was being active, my normal waking self. I mentioned this plan to my doctor and she said "most people cannot do that" and in response I thought "I can and I will". I am now in a position where I wish to relax my jaw more completely and I have realized that I can do so when I am meditating. There is part of me that thinks I cannot do that and another part that keeps repeating to myself "I can and I will". We shall see.

Joy

This evening I was reading in Marcelle Martin’s book Our Life is Love: The Quaker Spiritual Journey, about what the original Quakers called "Living in the cross", or living and acting within God’s will. I lead a life based on being of service and have given up many of the ego pleasures she described. I participate in minimal distractions and focus on carrying out God’s will, not mine. I cannot say that I suffer since I simply accept my lot in life as "what is" but I do experience pain. I also experience tremendous joy in my life which comes from living a life of Love and following guidance. In response to the question of how I’m doing, I generally say that my body is a mess and I have a wonderful life. I focus on the joy I feel.

Meditation

Usually when I meditate I continue to be semi-conscious and partially aware of my surroundings so that if someone speaks to me I know it and can choose to respond, though usually I do not. I generally have feelings of peace, love and well being and am usually focused on some question or topic. Each session usually lasts twenty to thirty minutes, sometimes longer. Today I was having a difficult day emotionally and physically while dealing with my demon of low self-worth mentioned two days ago. In order to more thoroughly explore my internal conflict I used a form of meditation where I am not conscious of my surroundings and appear to be asleep but I am sorting out the question I started with. This particular session lasted two hours and in the past, similar sessions have gone on for three hours, though they always seem like minutes to me. I have the clarity I was seeking and feel much better.

Dragons

What a "coincidence"! Yesterday I wrote of continuing whispers of feelings of low self worth left over from my youth and today I found myself talking about my past "dragons" coming back to haunt me. It’s important for me to not believe those whispers and even laugh at them as old and familiar companions. I would also like to remember that in God’s eyes I am perfectly imperfect, growing and learning. "The Lord explained that it was needful that he [George Fox]’should have a sense of all conditions’. How else should he learn ‘to speak to all conditions?"

Internal Conflict

Today I am dealing with a totally irrational internal conflict between being a loving person who represents joy to many people and feelings of low self worth which apparently stems from childhood. On one hand I feel wonderful about my life and spontaneously radiate Love and joy as described yesterday. That part of me is present and dominates my life most of the time. There is also a quiet part of me that is apparent some days which has a low opinion of self. That part of me is stuck on the many years of my youth when I was unpleasant, hurt and angry. The best process for me is to acknowledge my past and not let it impact the present, which I do most of the time.