One-ness

Today I was having a lot of difficulty with muscle spasms and the associated pain which is a common problem with my disability. As part of my reducing the pain as much as possible I exercised while focusing on the feeling of one-ness with all that is and harmony. During my periods of meditation in addition to one-ness and harmony I focused acceptance of my condition. The result is far less pain though I am not done and need to keep it up.

Practice

One of my practices is that as I go through my activities on any given day I make it a point to see and feel God’s Love and grace in everything, producing a huge amount of gratitude at all times. For example today I had a meeting with one of the people I work with and last night I was given guidance concerning what we would talk about and how to prepare. Today during that meeting when those events took place, I smiled, did what I was told and felt gratitude. "When the will, in becoming aware of the satisfaction afforded by the object of sight, hearing or touch does not stop with this joy but immediately elevates itself to God, rejoicing in Him who motivates and gives strength to its joy, it is doing something very good. (St. John of the Cross)

The Kingdom

I have found and live within what Jesus called The Kingdom and, as Jesus said, The Kingdom is present here and now, it is ever-present if we do what is necessary to access it. I live within what I call a bubble of love and witness everything and everyone through that lense, hard to see from where I came from. Seeing and feeling the divine in a beautiful sunset does not surprise me but seeing and feeling love and wonder while viewing a cockroach scurrying across the kitchen counter does. This manner of living provides joy beyond compare even with my pain and disability.

Holistic Healing

I have been thinking about the relationship between me and my doctors lately since I am considering going to another neurologist in the hope that he or she can understand my position and, at least, track my symptoms, perhaps even make suggestions. The problem is that I have taken a spiritual/meditative approach to my problems and, between God and myself, have learned to moderate my symptoms in order to remain functional. My approach is outside of their training and they consider what I do to be impossible, given my diagnosis — so they conclude that my diagnosis must be wrong and that I am fooling myself, very frustrating. Their conclusions are not helpful to me. My PCP has at least seen a sample of what I do when my thyroid healed. He remains neutral and concludes nothing. I am not certain what I will do but it is helpful for me to realize that I am putting them on the spot.

Service

Today at a recovery meeting I talked about my very human fears and the fact that I deal with them in large part by getting up in the middle of the night to pray, meditate and be with God. I spoke of that as a magical time and tried to describe the wonderful feeling of God’s Love and power flowing through me. Rufus Jones describes the feeling well when he writes "At it’s best and truest, however, worship seems to me to be direct, vital, joyous, personal experience and practice of the presence of God." I also spoke with someone after the meeting about the middle of the night being a sacred time and suggested she make use of her own waking up to do something similar. I felt the power of being an "instrument". "God must have an instrument — an organ is perhaps a better word — for the revelation of His love and tenderness, just as his physical energies must have their coordinator and transmitter."

Self-care

Today was a day of self-care, harmony and a continuation of the gratitude I wrote of two days ago. I spent the first few hours of the day doing exercise and some hands-on healing with my wife. While exercising I kept an attitude of gratitude and harmony with all that is, in order to promote smooth coordinated muscle movement, a problem with my disability. As a result my muscle activity was fairly smooth, though not like it was prior to my disability. I also went to a recovery meeting and interacted a bit with one of my mentees. After that I spent a couple of hours just relaxing and watching a movie. I need to spend time taking care of me in order to be of maximum service.

Gratitude

This morning, when doing the weekly shopping, I spoke briefly with a woman who inquired how I was with more than the normal sincerity. I responded that I was OK and still breathing. She laughed and said "Me to!!..... and it’s a beautiful day" which caused me to realize how grateful I was for the present moment. I had no pain and was able to drive and then do the shopping. Later in the day I was getting in my wife’s way while she was doing some repairs on our home and she commented that she would rather have me in the way than in my bed suffering, which used to be the case. Once again I felt gratitude for the present.

Connection

Today, beginning and ending with my Higher Power (God) I had several meaningful and wonderful connections. Each had strong feelings of respect, love and honor. The first connection was with God during silent worship this morning followed by several human and one canine joining during the day. The last was another divine connection during meditation tonight. I cannot say that I actually depend on any other than the divine connections, but I certainly enjoy them. I am attached to my connection with God and depend on it to keep my head on straight each day.

Infused Prayer

I have enjoyed the comments and observations of Thomas Dubay, S. M. when he wrote of infused prayer that it involved an "Immersion in God [which] entails a being filled with Him, a divine inflowing". He also stated that depth of connection with the divine was a gift, not the result of individual’s practice, a view also held by the modern Quaker Thomas Kelly. In my experience that level of connection requires almost constant devotion, but is well worth the effort. It feels fulfilling and has changed my life.

Self-healing

At this point I have self healed many physical problems (malfunctioning heart valve, five cysts, one cancerous/pre-cancerous lesion, a lung problem, a prostate problem, an under-performing thyroid) and partially healed my disability. Having completely healed so many problems, I wonder why it is only partial with my disability. It could be that my disability is still useful in terms of being of service. It could also be that I am resisting healing. I can only stay open to all possibilities and continue to work on it.