Anger

The topic for my recovery meeting today was anger so I have been reflecting on my expression of anger, both past and present. During my formative years in my family of origin I was not taught healthy ways of dealing with anger so I tended to stuff it, intellectualize, blow up in periodic rages and become destructive — the best I could do! When I got into recovery, at 36, I noticed that a carpenter associate of mine would get very angry, express it vigorously and loudly and then forget it a few minutes later. I decided he was psychotic. Then I noticed that my dog did much same and the behavior seemed to work well as long as the expression of anger was not destructive. I adopted that behavior as my model. I then noticed that most of my anger was due to some underlying feeling like hurt or fear and that my anger was only the surface emotion so I worked on feeling and expressing the underlying feeling, avoiding the anger entirely. I have since discovered that most of my underlying feelings have been about things that actually matter very little.

Holistic Healing

When I do the physic or spiritual healing I wrote about a week ago I first "join" with the problem telepathically by asking it what it is trying to tell me and learning what it feels like. This joining has to be done with love and respect which necessitates getting past/over any fear or anger response to the problem. I can then encourage the tissues to return to a state of harmony with the rest of the body. I find that the various tissues and parts of the body actually seek to be in harmony and work together. This whole process is strongest when done with God as a power driver.

Focus

My disability or condition has helped me develop my ability to focus on my present activity and listen to what will work for me. I need to stay focused and present on whatever I am doing at the time and I am constantly listening for guidance. If I am walking and break my focus by looking to the side or even thinking about something other than walking, I stumble and sometimes fall. When I am connecting and/or working with someone I usually stay focused on them, what they are saying and the present moment. When I do that I frequently receive guidance about what to say next. If I begin thinking about cooking dinner or my next activity I lose that connection, very noticeable.

Gratitude

Today I feel very grateful for my life, the way it is and keep in mind that it could be a lot worse, which it has been several times. In meditation I have "heard" recently that I am one of the most privileged people on the planet — very true. I keep remembering someone asking me years ago when I was using crutches "How can you be grateful!? You can’t even walk." and my response was "You can’t fly and it doesn’t bother you". The point I was making was that if I accept my condition, whatever it is, then it is possible to be grateful, and, on the other hand if I fight my condition I will not be happy.

Holistic Healing

I had my colonoscopy yesterday and did a lot of resting and self-care today. The doctor found my colon to be totally healthy and commented that I was extremely healthy and had a healthy lifestyle. I was relieved, but for my own self-concept, it is important for me to acknowledge that the previous clinical tests were right about something being wrong with my colon. In this and several previous cases (lung, thyroid, heart, prostate and brain) clinical studies indicated problems which I addressed with the meditative and imaging techniques I mention on my website and in my book. In each case the problems either disappeared or in the case of my brain the apparent problem was modified to an "impossible" degree necessitating re-diagnosis. It is important for me to realize that, regardless of what the medical community concludes, the problems were real and the healing I did resulted in their disappearance. Such is the power of love , God and the mind-body connection.

Fear

I am in the midst of preparation for a colonoscopy, meaning taking various laxatives in order to cleans my intestines of everything. The procedure is set for tomorrow morning. The doctors detected some blood in my feces so I have been practicing self healing using love energy and tomorrow I will find out how successful I was. Yesterday I spent a good part of the evening and night getting in touch with and feeling my fears about the procedure and what they might find out. This evening I just feel acceptance about whatever happens, knowing that I will deal with it

Holistic Health

To me, the fact that I am doing as well as I am with my disability, as opposed to the possibility I wrote about a few days ago, represents the power of acceptance and love. I have applied that power to several other physical conditions in my life with similar effects (causing confusion, surprise and disbelief in doctors!). I have also suggested that approach to other people who also had success. The process costs nothing other than focus and intent and even feels good.

Acceptance

I meet with a woman who has a "progressive degenerative neurological" condition very similar to mine but hers is mid-brain and mine is hind-brain. She does not accept her condition but "hates" and fights it. I, on the other hand, accept my condition and can therefore work with it. I can’t say I like it but it’s an unwelcome partner that I deal with daily. In working with my disability I do everything I know of in order to be functional, including bathing it with love. In my case I was diagnosed about thirty-one years ago and am living in my own home with the help of my wife. She was diagnosed a few years ago and I visit her in a nursing home. Anecdotal but suggestive!

Listening

Today I have been reflecting on the fact that most people "listen" to others through the filter of the story they have made up about that person rather than really paying attention and truly listening. For example, in my case, with a few notable exceptions, because of my behavior and the stories they had heard the adults around me believed that I was of below average intelligence, rather than taking the time to realize that I was really just indifferent to their opinions and bored out of my mind. The primary result has been that I recognize how important it is to truly listen and I have been blessed with the ability to look beyond my own mind chatter to hear the reality of what is happening. "Listening is a far more difficult process than most people imagine; really to listen in the way that is meant by the masters is to let go utterly of ourselves, to let go of all the information, all of the concepts, all the ideas and all the prejudices that our heads are stuffed with." (Sogyal Rinpoche)

Growth

Today the topic which came up in my recovery meeting was "parental anger during our formative years" so I have been reflecting on how much my father’s violence and anger dominated the behavior of me and the rest of my family during those years. I used to be very hurt and angry with spells of rage. My rage terrified me because of its out of control destructive potential. Since then I have broken free of that part of my story. I went through periods of anger, understanding, forgiveness and finally love regarding my father. On my last visit with him before he died, he did not recognize me (Alzheimer’s) and I felt only love.