Listening

Before 2006 I could "speak like the man in the six o’clock news", crisply, quickly and with authority. I was highly educated and experienced so people listened carefully to what I had to say. I also must admit that I judged and tended to dismiss people who did not speak quickly enough for me. Since that time, because of my disability, I talk very slowly, with poor enunciation and with great difficulty. I also notice that I am now one of the people that many people dismiss (irony and payback time)! This turn around gives me a much greater appreciation and understanding of people who do not present themselves the way I used to. I listen to all people with love and respect and realize they are all of value.

Meditation

Today was a Monday so I did the weekly grocery shopping in the morning and exercised in the afternoon. During the afternoon I would work out for a while and then meditate for around half an hour, very enjoyable and a good pace for me. I tire easily so this pattern works for me. When I meditate I reach the "I am" portion of my higher self within a few minutes. Reaching that place used to take fifteen minutes of focus on the feeling of power, Love and the eternal nature of all things. When I reach that place I am also near the Absolute or God. "Man is separated from God, but secretly united to God; that is the prime fact of life, and all things in all creation speak of this separation, this incompleteness which has infected all." (Gilbert Kilpack)

Seeking

I seek and feel God in all my activities during the day, seeking not due to guilt or some feeling of obligation but because of the Love, peace and harmony I find there. Today, while blessing the plants in our garden, a female ruby throated hummingbird came to feed on our pink flowers. We also got several butterflies of various species coming to our butterfly bushes. I could feel the Love, peace and harmony of the plants and animals. "Seek Him we must, with a headlong love, with enthusiasm and romantic ardor, but also with lowliness and patience, and that is a hard combination." (Gilbert Kilpack)

Cognitive Dissonance

I am experiencing serious cognitive dissonance and I feel like a total fraud — though I also know that I am not. I go through my life wrapped in a bubble of Love and in partnership with God. Because of that union I end up being the person I cannot possibly be and doing things I cannot possibly do. During the first thirty-six years of my life I operated primarily out of my dark side and experienced negative comments from many. I am no longer that person though I am quite aware that the potential to be that person is still within me, but I choose not to act on it. I will continue moving along and being Charlie! "I am less than the song I am singing. I am more than I thought I could be. (Joan Baez)

Meditation

Yesterday I wrote that I wanted "to see, understand and appreciate that everything and everybody contribute to God, Love and eternity in their own [special] way. I don’t know how that works but then I don’t need to. When I meditate and arrive at that peaceful, Loving God place I can sense strongly that it is true. Everything and everybody are in divine order, a good feeling and one I wish to harmonize with. "When one is anchored deeply in the divine solution to all problems, outer turmoil cannot disturb the inner tranquility. It is a peace that surpasses all understanding." (Thomas Dubay, S. M.).

Surrender

In order for me to continue spiritually growing in recovery I currently feel the need to further surrender myself to the higher good of God, Love and eternity. I want to see, understand and appreciate that everything and everybody contribute to God, Love and eternity in their own way. I want to be conscious of and maximize my own contribution. In the beginning of my recovery process I gave up being a self-centered jerk and along my path I gave up lying, gossip, judging and criticizing others in favor of seeing "there, but for the grace of God, go I". I wish to now always act to promote and support God, Love and eternity.

Gratitude

Today I found myself talking about the necessity and power of gratitude in my life, how important it was to me and the fact that it is a choice. I do view it as a choice and it is important for me to make that choice if I am to continue with my life and help others do the same. As I pointed out today; I am 71, living in a part of the country where the climate does not suite me, usually in some pain and disabled since I was forty, so I have several things to feel negative about. Instead I chose to see my life as a gift and focus on the many good things.

Meditation

It is only through quiet, peaceful and persistent meditation that I seem to be able to discern what is really going on inside me and in that process I am amazed at how good I am at hiding from myself. It’s as though my ego wants to protect me from myself! For example, when I have back pain I might meditate to find out if there is some emotional component to the pain, which there usually is. My first meditative response is "no" which generally relents to "yes" and then an honest exploration of some fear or anger. Recently I have been meditating to explore what my disability means to me, not that my thoughts could be the cause of my problems but the exploration could lead to a better understanding and eventual healing. So far I have come to realize how much my disability has contributed to me becoming the strong, spiritual, loving man I am today.

Discernment

Today, before the recovery meeting there was a young man speaking first about his drinking then his gambling and I could readily discern that in his words he was trying to convince me and himself that he was speaking the truth, while part of him knew he was not. I was seeing my past self so I loved him and listened. Many years ago in the sweat lodge I prayed for discernment, thinking then of negative spirits and energies. I was granted the gift and have found it goes beyond what is called evil and is very useful in my listening and learning. "Discernment is a gift from God, not as a personal achievement. The gift is not the result of training, technique, or analysis. Like other gifts of God, its origin is mysterious and gratuitous." (Patricia Loring)

Spirit

I attend a Quaker meeting for worship twice a week, a one hour period of meditating and listening in silence with minimal talking. I enjoy sitting in silence with minimal dogma. I have no religious training in my history but spiritual searching and listening to the light with minimal bias. The love and peace I have encountered is totally unconditional and a wonder for this human to behold. I am accustomed to definitions, boundaries and conditions — there are none, only love. "To undertake to live a discerned life, to endeavor daily to be attuned to authentic movements of the Spirit leading us into greater fullness of life, is a strenuous undertaking." (Patricia Loring)