Change

 I can sense my life shifting and changing, which on the one hand I welcome and on the other hand I am uncomfortable with the feeling of being groundless and up in the air.  I have not posted since August because the inspiration was not there --- now it is.  I have not been reading at all and was told to meditate and not to rely on the guidance of others.  I have begun reading again specifically to find some guidance in my exploration of the "unseen realm" (unseen influences, energy fields, love, angels, spirits, etc).  Recently, my focus has been on helping my mother-in-law have a peaceful transition to death.  She will die very soon and I believe that I am preparing for my  next "adventure".  I always do what I'm told.

Spiritual Practice

  I was watching a movie (“Whale Rider”) last night in which a girl is prevented from spiritual practices because she is female and then becomes a spiritual leader of her people.  During the movie in my body and mind I felt/heard several times the message that “this is important, pay attention”, a message I am quite familiar with.  At the present time I attend (not a member) a Quaker church, a community of spiritual seekers and finders who practice no dogma and worship through silent meditation.  Many of them think that there is something spiritually special about being a Quaker.  I am, what I consider, a spiritual “stray dog” with a history of Christian, Navajo, Taoist, Buddhist, Hindu and Zen roots and present day ties to none.  It seems important for me to practice and know that distinctions according to sex, religion, race, etc. are human not God based.  There are many paths to God and level of devotion makes a difference but other categories do not.

Gratitude

  Yesterday I went through my daily routine, merely accepting what needed doing in a very matter-of-fact manner.  I exercised, shaved, ate salad for lunch, did some cooking, resting and meditating.  Today I did much the same but with a tremendous sense of gratitude.  I could not stand and cook for years early in my recovery.  Also for the first five years of my recover I could not exercise my muscles without spastic cramping.  I began my exercise program with 0.3 miles on an exercise bike with no resistence.  I just recently went through a decade of not having enough jaw coordination to eat things like salad.  I find that I am very grateful for my current abilities.

Change

“If you continue to do what you have always done, you will continue to get what you have  always gotten.”  A simple phrase which I originally encountered many years ago written in chalk on the blackboard in a recovery meeting.  The phrase has been on my mind so I expect I should pay attention.  I have made some large changes in my behavior recently which I could consider.  Maria, my wife, has been staying with her mother, while her mother recovers from a broken hip, so I have been on my own.  Additionally, my recovery meetings have been cancelled due to the pandemic, leaving me even more on my own.  As a result I have ramped up my prayer, meditation and gratitude practices.  It is useful for me to realize that I am doing well without these external supports and also how much I value personal connection.  I have made it a point to have several connections a week.  I feel spiritually and emotionally strong.

Unconditional Love

As a part of feeling love, compassion and empathy for myself and the other humans on this earth, I need to recognize that our behavior and beliefs also make me angry, at times.  I suspect that all of us have been fear driven, egotistical and shortsighted sometimes, which makes it hard to judge.  The resulting behavior makes me angry, particularly when that behavior is directed at me.  I note that unconditional love, like the colors that make up white light, is the combination of all feelings.  So, in order for me to feel the pure love I wish to feel, I need to acknowledge and feel the anger and then transcend the anger to feelings of love, compassion and empathy.  That feels good but I find it hard to remember and I need to work on it today.

Retail Therapy

I read the “Washington Post” which says that the world is in chaos and getting worse daily with issues like a surging pandemic, out-of-control economy, a coming police state, habitat destruction, climate change, etc.  I then meditate on peace and love and realize that, in an eternal sense, everything is fine.  I go about my day “broadcasting” peace, love, understanding and compassion every chance I get, knowing that might help the situation.  On the other hand I understand that car sales are at a record level and my thought is that “retail therapy” will not work.  “An Indian says you search, in vain, for what you cannot find.  He says you found a thousand ways of runnin down your time.  He didn’t scream it, he said it in a song and he’s never been known to be wrong.” (from the movie “Jeremiah Johnson”)

Search for Meaning

I spent much of my earlier life, before recovery and becoming disabled, trying to find a sense of meaning, wholeness and peace in external, often material things.  My searching never resulted in anything other than short term gratification and the accumulation of meaningless stuff. Then, as I had those things stripped away from me or I chose to give them up.  I did not realize it at the time but I stopped searching and began working on being.  What I was looking for was there all the time  — I just needed to stop looking for it and be with it.  “An Indian says you search, in vain, for what you cannot find.  He says you find a thousand ways of runnin down your time.  He didn’t scream it, he said it in a song and he’s never been known to be wrong.” (from the movie “Jeremiah Johnson”)

God's Will

Well, it is now July and the heat and humidity have returned for the next three months or so.  The state of MD has also now partially opened its business doors so the traffic has increased, though not as heavily as it has been.  The heat, humidity, traffic and population density are all factors that I find less than desirable Maine or Vermont would be more suitable.  However, when Maria and I came east we each realized that this is where our God wanted us to be.  I was asked recently if I was happy being in this location and I felt compelled to say what I did not like but also that I felt I was right where I should be, a very good feeling.

Unseen Realm

I spend a good deal of my time operating within, what I call, the unseen realm of spirits, energies and spiritual beliefs and I enjoy realizing that it could be totally imaginary on my part but I also choose to believe it due to the results.  My first conscious encounter with this sort of thing came when one of my Arizona clients called me in a panic from California where she was visiting.  Her daughter, who had been traumatized when she was much younger, had disassociated and was non-communicative.  The mother hoped I could help the little girl so I went into a trance and met with the girls spirit in order to comfort and reassure her and then bring her back.  The girl did in fact return to being communicative and commented upon her return that she “had been with Charlie”.  For the past few nights I have been working remotely with spirit of a woman who is a few miles away in order to introduce her “higher self” to the spirit world.  Her behavior has changed suggesting that what I am doing is working — but then, I never know for sure!

Holistic Healing

As far as the self-healing of my disability and related health issues I notice that yesterday I mowed the front lawn in 11/2 hours instead of the 2 it has taken in the past and that just generally my wife has commented that I am moving faster, both indicating that my balance has improved.  For the first time in a decade I no longer have open sores in my mouth and I have eaten salads for lunch both indicating improved jaw coordination.  My speech has also improved according to my own observation and comments by several people.  These are all positive changes and are likely caused by the self-healing I have described before.  It is useful for me to note and be aware of the fact that I resist change of any kind, desirable or not.  If I stay aware of the resistence I can counter it.