Anxiety

  Two days ago I did my weekly grocery shopping and was impressed by the exceptionally high level of anxiety floating around in the atmosphere of the stores.  Many of the people were on edge and that feeling was definitely part of the unseen reality I mentioned a couple of days ago.  I felt the need of shaking it off or clearing myself when I got home.  Today is inauguration day and the level of anxiety is even higher.  Fortunately I have been keeping up with my spiritual practices and self-care so I can feel peace and calm — when I focus on that and keep in mind that the anxiety is not mine.

Understandig Is Not Required

  It strikes me this morning that though I am aware of some surface activity going on in the world, I do not really know what is going on — and that is just fine.  I listen to NPR for a few minutes each day and I also read some of the “Washington Post” so I have some idea of current events, what I am calling surface activity.  I limit my exposure to these sources because I do not want to be convinced that is the whole story.  I also meditate for several hours each day in order that I might make contact with the “unseen” part of the atmosphere around and within me.  It is during meditation that I sense the love, strength, peace, anxiety and fear in the atmosphere.  That is part of my reality but I do not really understand it.

Happiness

  I cannot say that I feel what I think of as happy but I do feel complete or fulfilled and am aware of being connected in a very loving way to everything and everybody.  I think of happy as that giddy, carefree feeling of a child laughing while riding on a merry-go-round.  The feeling I live within is much deeper than that.  “I tell you, I am in every flower, every rainbow, every star in the heavens, and everything in and on every planet rotating around every star.  I am the whisper of the wind, the warmth of your sun, the incredible individuality and the extraordinary perfection of each snowflake.  I am the majesty in the soaring flight of eagles, and the innocence of the doe in the field; the courage of lions, the wisdom of the ancient ones.” (Walsch)

Being Rather Than Doing

  I plan to spend much of this day focused on simply being myself, meaning prayer and meditation on gratitude and love, things I can do readily during covid-19 isolation.  Being disabled I find that if I focus on “doing” rather than “being” I am likely to be aware of what I cannot do or how slow I am.  If, instead, I focus on being then my disability does not hamper me, as long as I accept it without fighting.  I tend to be concerned that I will not be physically able to do what is asked of me and my meditation made it clear that I need not worry — just be Charlie.  I can do that!  “It requires even more discernment to discover whether the ministry called for from a particular individual in a particular instance requires prophetic speech, humble and hidden activities, bold and dramatic action, professional service or some, novel and previously unimagined course.” (Patricia Loring)

Choice

  Today I find myself conflicted, on the one hand I really like the person I have become and on the other hand I wish I was more “normal”, able and inclined to perform the average activities of a husband and person on this planet.  Long ago I asked to see things the way God does and I keep pushing myself to be more.  I now see things through the eyes of love and eternity.  I do things that others think impossible and have become the exception I have mentioned before, behaving outside the norm.  Being the exception also means leaving average behind.  I cannot do both and I have made my choice.  "Only a few achieve the colossal task of holding together, without being split asunder, the clarity of their vision alongside an ability to take their place in a materialistic world." (Irene Claremont deCastillejo)

Gratitude

last evening, after dinner, my lack of coordination coupled with my over-reaction caused me to spill and throw across the kitchen about half a quart of water, creating quite a mess.  Maria, my wife, is not here so I went about moving things out of the way and toweling everything down, taking over an hour since I move slowly.  I did so with a very matter-of-fact attitude, rather than getting angry — It had to be done.  This morning I feel a lot of gratitude that I was physically able to do it.  I offered thanks.  “He should learn to remain in God’s presence with a loving attention and a tranquil intellect”, even though this seems like idleness to him.  Soon he will find little by little that a “divine calm and peace with a wondrous, sublime knowledge of God, enveloped in divine love, will be infused into his soul”.  (St. John)

 

Dealing With Life

  I feel a bit uneasy, which is unusual for me but it happens and it has my attention.  The fact that I am disturbed could mean that something important is going “wrong’ or it could mean that I am not doing enough meditation and self-care.  I have listened to some disturbing reports on NPR, the postal service is having problems and I am having billing difficulties with two of my creditors.  All factors that are compelling but trivial so I must need more meditation and peace time.....It is now later the same day and I did what I said so I now feel peaceful and balanced.

Dark Side

  This morning I am reflecting back on a few days ago when there was a violent invasion of the U.S. capital building, emotional turmoil and the death of five people.  The events were very shocking but also had been brewing for a few weeks.  The events were horrific and should never have happened but I also need to realize that my dark side is capable of destructive act too.  I need to keep up the self-care, my spiritual connection and keep in mind that love can conquer hate but more hate cannot.  “There is an urgent biological imperative to make the Shadow conscious.  The moral burden of this immense task is greater than any previous generation could have even conceived: the destiny of the planet and our entire solar system is in our hands." (A. Stevens)

Perspective

  As a species it is sometimes hard to see but we are evolving towards a more compassionate, loving life attitude.  The recent violent and destructive events in our capital were certainly distressing but they also brought several prominent figures closer to the goal of compassion.  Those events helped them realize that the self-centered, appositional path was not working for them.  I am reminded of the destructive, self-centered, even somewhat antisocial, path I was following before I began recovery and a more loving, spiritual life.  I had to go through that destructive period and be convinced it was not working before I could change.

Responsibility

  This morning I find myself reflecting on my own personal responsibility, especially with the recent upheaval in events close by in DC.  I am certainly responsible for things like personal hygiene, sleep and diet, but many worldly happenings are none of my business, beyond having some awareness of what is happening.  In a democratic culture I consider it a good idea to be aware, but self-care mandates that I stay detached beyond my own involvement.  I like to listen to NPR or read the “Washington Post” for a short time each day but beyond that I get distracted from my rest and meditation.  I start to feel part of the chaos.