Loving the Whole Person

A few years ago a friend of mine died.  He wanted to be considered a guiding light and a spiritual leader in our recovery community and, at the same time, he knew that view of him was based partially on illusion.  People then and now idolized him and he loved it when they quoted him at meetings.  On the other hand, I watched him steal some books from the Quaker meeting house where we hold some of our meetings.  I then encountered his anger and rage when I confronted him about the theft.  Later, he asked to work with me since he knew something was wrong in his life.  Through our talk it became quite apparent that he was distorting his past and, in part, living a lie.  He then made it quite clear that he intended to continue living the lie.  A short time after that he indicated that he would like to have lunch with me, but then declined to do so since I would tend to “pop his bubbles”.  In short, he was a very good man and also very complex and human.  I prefer to love and remember the whole man, not just the illusion that he and others would like to promote.  The illusion is simpler but not as real or complete.  I was able to connect with the whole man and, though it made him uneasy, he and I honored that.

Self-Care

I attended a meeting today that was about the difficulty of dealing with the clients I work with, young men in early recovery from addictions to various drugs and alcohol.  Generally, they lie, manipulate, are extremely self-centered and have frequent emotional out-bursts.  They are difficult to work with, but I enjoy the challenge and realize that I used to be much the same way.  I spend a great deal of time each day on self-care, in order to maintain a high level of ability to connect with these young men without judging them or losing myself in the process.

At that meeting was a close friend who knows how much I do each day in order to maintain my equanimity.  He asked “Is it worth it?”, a very good question.  I did not even know it was possible to achieve the level of connection that I achieve with these young men and, through that connection, I am able to change their lives.  So, in answer to his question and in order to do what I do, I would say “yes”.  However, for other people in different circumstances, the answer would probably be “no”.  There is a whole range of options between being totally wrapped up in the material world and the relatively monastic life I lead.  The best choice for most people would be one of those options.

Changes

I went to a movie today.  It was a pretty silly human interest story with chase scenes and some violence, engaging and entertaining and a good break from life's intensity.

Tonight it hit me that very soon, perhaps within six months or a year, my chewing difficulties will be part of the past.  The chewing problems have been part of my reality for the last two years.  The problems started out as quite intense and constant and now are only at mealtimes and pretty moderate, but still troubling.  When this first happened, I asked for the strength to deal with it and to be taught what I needed to know to change it.  I was given both.  I have been guided, through meditation, to use a variety of mind-body healing techniques, such as described in the first entry this month.  They have worked, though not as quickly as I would like.

When I realized the problems would be gone soon I felt a mixture of immense gratitude and some sadness.  Such life changes always seem to be associated with some sadness because of moving on.  I experience the same sort of sadness whenever a period of connection/interaction is over, like working with a family for a couple of hours or participating in the fellowship before, during and after one of my recovery meetings.

Creation and Treatment of Sacred Sites

Much has been made of the conflict between the idea of snow making using recycled water on the San Francisco Peaks versus those that oppose it based on the peaks being sacred land.  Apparently the only reason to pursue snow making is to promote skiing, recreation and making money.  I generally stay clear of this sort of argument, since, to me, it seems to serve no purpose in my life, other than to stir up drama, which I don't need.  The reason I choose to consider the topic is that the subject has come up with my friends and within the sweat lodge.  To me, the question of what is best for the people, this planet and God/spirits, is important.

As far as I can tell, all land is sacred.  The designation of certain pieces of land as sacred is similar to designating certain days of the year as more important than others.  In that such designation promotes awareness, it is a good thing, if a little silly.  I find the emphasis on money and material pursuits over treating the planet as a sacred and limited resource, to be very disturbing.
 

God and the spirits exist within the absolute of love, compassion and connectedness.  Within that absolute there is no question of desecrating the earth the way humans have been doing.  The issue simply does not come up, if a person follows the absolute.  We tend to be self-centered, entitled and short-sighted as a species.  God and the spirits seem to know that.  Isn’t that part of being human?

Awareness and Progress

Today has been a day of physical awareness.  My awareness is frequently increased on days when I have significant pain.  Today it is nerve pain (deep and burning) in my right shoulder and arm.  I don't know what I did, but I must have pinched the nerve or moved wrong.  At any rate, it will pass with time and I just need to take it easy with that arm for a few days.

On the plus side, I notice that my chewing is getting easier.  I don t bite myself nearly as often and my jaw is much more relaxed when I chew.  Small daily progress, but with progress the end result is not in question.  It is taking longer than I would like, but that is the way of things.

The Benifits of Connection

A great day!  I was able to stay very strongly connected while working with a family that was largely burned out by dealing with the addiction of their son, my primary client.  Through the process of deep listening, my own intuition and the guidance I received, I was able to reach the various members of the family and give them a more human and compassionate understanding of the disease.  I think it will help my client, and the rest of the family, heal.

We had a sweat lodge tonight to welcome back Maria, my wife, after her vision quest.  I was guided to pour and then, while pouring, to make it fairly hot.  The group protested, somewhat jokingly, somewhat not, that I was pouring too much and making it to hot.  I heard myself say, very forcefully, “Look, I m not going to turn my back on a power that saved my life!”.  That statement and feeling was the reason it was important for me to pour.

Communicating With Spirits

Just prior to the sweat, yesterday, it was raining fairly hard.  I tried communicating and negotiating with the storm in order to stop the rain and have a sweat lodge.  The negotiating involves first joining with the spirit of the lodge and then connecting with the weather/storm.  The whole process needs to be done with respect, love and humility and also with the objective of being of service, not for any selfish motive.  With all that in mind, it is then possible to communicate that intent to the storm and request that it hold off from 2:00 to 7:00.  I have heard of others (Native Americans) doing this sort of thing and have been doing it periodically for several years.  Last night, it then stopped raining for the period of the lodge and a bit more and then it rained all night.  Perhaps coincidence, but similar things have happened repeatedly, before.  I would like some method to be sure something is happening, but perhaps I am just being a silly member of my culture. "Understanding is not required"!

The Sweat Lodge, Love and Connection

We had a sweat lodge for the young, early recovery guys from Back2Basics, some of whom I have as clients.  For most of them, it was their first sweat experience.  It s a bit hard to explain, but if a person transcends the physical discomfort of the lodge, it is possible to feel strongly the sense of connection, love and compassion that I have described elsewhere.  If you are in a dark confined space with several others focusing on the same thing, it can be a truly awesome and magical experience.  I know of no other way to achieve that feeling, regularly, for most people.  I achieve it daily through meditation and it can also be achieved in very intimate groups, when a sacred space is established.  At any rate, they all seemed to get there and were very moved by the experience.

Waking Up the Demon

While working with a client, he stated that he had blown up in anger at another person and that it did not feel good.  I commented that it did not feel good to “wake up the demon”, which is exactly what it feels like to me.  I also suggested that he approach the person he blew up at, apologize, express caring and compassion and provide some minimal explanation of his behavior.  Techniques I have used to put the “demon” back to sleep.

Earlier in the day a friend was talking to me about having observed someone else call his x-wife, “you f - ing bi –“.  No one deserves to be talked to like that.  Yet I have said similar things, and still have the capability inside me, if enough hurt and fear is applied.  The demon used to be very close to the surface and I would express it frequently.  Now I generally conduct myself with love, compassion and understanding and the demon is deep inside and never acted on.  As far as I can tell, we all have the capability of either and our behavior depends on which part we choose to “feed”.  People do not hurt other people unless they have been hurt, themselves.

The Fear of Change

Today, I am scared.  My work schedule has changed.  I am doing more.  I feel like more is being asked of me, by God and I have not been able to access that strong feeling washing over me and saying “everything is going to be O.K., I am with you”.  I know that I am the one preventing that feeling, because of my own fear.  The feeling of things being all right is not there and the fear is.  I also know that this will pass, but the feeling of fear persists.  Writing about it and simply being with the fear helps, a lot.  I begin to get glimpses of that feeling of everything being in divine order, being just a tool and not in control of much of anything.