Respectful Listening

December 12, 2012
A day of contrasting views of me and my disability/speech impediment.  I spent my morning in various staff and clinical meetings.  My opinion was solicited many times and it was quite apparent that I was respected, though people found me hard to understand at times.  When I got home I found out that the electrical company I had called for a repair to the wiring for my hot-tub would not be coming out.  Maria had called them and they told her that they had a policy of not working on hot-tubs, so she got the name of another company.  I had called them two days earlier, explained the problem and asked if they were the correct people to call.  They said they would be out later that day.  They did not come or call.  It was as if they were thinking “tell him what he wants to hear and just get him off the phone.  He is not bright enough to make a problem for us, and he probably won’t even remember”, an attitude which I get often, usually in person, and the look and body language express that kind of sentiment, though I obviously don’t know what they were really thinking.  Later today we had a men’s group, where I was once again respected.  Both scenarios happen frequently and it certainly keeps me humble, and alert!  The negative response used to make me angry and I tried to counter it, to no avail, now I just take note.  Not many years ago, I would have responded to me and my speech much the same.  Respectful listening and compassion feel much better.

December 13, 2012
Quite a contrast to yesterday!  A guy came out to look at and fix the hot-tub.  He was very courteous and respectful.  He clearly went out of his way to be helpful and of service, very refreshing.

Being Mindful

Typically, I spend one day a week, Sunday, exercising, doing household things and relaxing.  As usual, I spend the first four or five hours, beginning at 2:00 A.M., with a combination of prayer, meditation and contemplation.  Today was that day.  The first part of the day is focused, vital and meaningful.  The rest of the day, the exercise part, is important since I am caring for my body, but I allow my brain to wander pretty freely and it is certainly entertaining to watch and not to be taken seriously.  I find that my brain can go from grandiose to self-deprecating in a heartbeat.  It is particularly dangerous when I get stuck at one extreme or the other.  Not a good time to make decisions.  Today I just wandered back and forth.  It is best for me to be mindful.

Working With Others

Today, I cried tears of extreme gratitude tinged with sadness, both because of being involved with the power of God/love, and watching someone move on.  A few days ago I wrote an entry that made it clear that having my life revolve around God and love had saved my life.  Today, a woman who is moving out of state and on with her life, made it clear that God and love, through me, had saved and altered her life.  She, like many others before her, was extremely grateful.  It is a wonderful gift to be part of that, to get my own ego out of the way, and act as a conduit.

“A true Master is not the one with the most students, but the one who creates the most Masters.
A true leader is not the one with the most followers, but the one who creates the most leaders.
A true king is not the one with the most subjects, but the one who leads the most to royalty.
A true teacher is not the one with the most knowledge, but the one who causes the most others to have knowledge.
And a true God is not One with the most servants, but One who serves the most, thereby making Gods of all others.
For this is both the goal and glory of God: that his subjects shall be no more, and that all shall know God not as the unattainable, but as the unavoidable.”  p 114

from Conversations with God, an uncommon dialogue, book 1, by Neale Donald Walsch, G. P. Putnam’s Sons, New York, 1996

Becoming Willing

The recovery meeting today was about willingness and I mentioned that now I am totally willing to do what ever God guides me to do, but that has not always been so.  Since the meeting, I have been reflecting on the process I have been through in becoming more willing.
I have been through a variety of very difficult and often painful experiences in the past twenty seven years, which have gradually brought me to a compete reliance and a partnership with God.  My growing relationship with God was the only thing I found that made my physical situation better,  or even tolerable at times.  I recall the last instance most clearly and am still coming out of it.  At my lowest point, I had several open sores in my mouth that were all periodically bleeding and could only halt the continuous spastic movement of my jaw during sleep or deep meditation.  I was in a lot of pain from biting my cheeks and tongue several times a day.  I had extreme difficulty with talking and eating, the doctors were prescribing palliative pain meds and telling me to do things like giving up on ever driving again.  They had clearly decided that I was done with any sort of functional life.  At that point, I got down on my knees, crying, early one morning and asked for the strength to deal with what was happening and the guidance necessary to recover from my condition.  Against all odds, I have gotten both.  Immediately after asking/praying, as described above, I felt both the strength and guidance in my life and that continues today.
It is now,  just over two years later.  I have minimal or no pain and bite myself only occasionally and never as seriously as I used to.  My jaw is now relaxed except when I eat or speak and I still have problems with speaking and eating but not like I did.   For obvious reasons, my commitment to the power/source that did that is total.  I also continue to spend several hours a day being with that power, which I choose to call God and continue to pursue my own healing.

Labels & Helping Others

I am Charlie and I know some things, a statement that I am comfortable with.  For some reason, which I do not understand, I am not comfortable with referring to myself with any sort of label like elder, mystic, Bodhisattva or master.  I even have difficulty writing of them here, as if they will confine or describe me.  I am fine with others using those labels and realize that I fit the profile. I am not sure why I have been shown/told the things that I know, other than to pass them on, which I do daily.  I enjoy who I am and what I know and I wish others could see the world the way I do.  I love everything and everybody.  I am passionate about doing everything I can to pass it on.  I want to change the way people relate to the world that supports us.
I get a great deal of joy out of watching myself or others grow and change.  If I play a role for others, it is better for me if my role is not acknowledged or even realized, partly because I like praise too much and partly because “a master craftsman leaves no trace”.  It is also better for the other person if they think they came to see things differently strictly on their own.

Results of a Holistic Approach

A great day!  I did not go into town.  Most of the day was spent doing some sort of exercise, interspersed with relaxation, talking with Maria, computer work and contemplation.  The day began at 2:00 A.M., with several hours of prayer and meditation.  I began my exercising at around 6:30 and finished around 3:30, a combination of free weights, calisthenics and exercise machines.  I have been pushing pretty hard to increase my exercising and stamina.  Not bad considering where I started.  Admittedly, it has been twenty-four years of slow progress and determination.  I recall in P.T. in ‘88, I was learning to crawl and tried to get on a stair-stepper but just crumpled to the floor, unable to hold myself up or perform the necessary movements.  I started my exercise program with 0.3 miles on an exercise bike, with no resistance.  I also recall the dr. warning me, very seriously, that my ability to exercise would be limited by atrophied muscles.

Gratitude

Today I have a renewed awareness of the delicate balance I maintain between acknowledging and accepting the negative aspects of my life versus being grateful for the positive things.  This balance is something I have been aware of many times in the past.  It is easy for me to fall into feeling negative about the events in my life.  The fact is, feeling negative is neither pleasant nor particularly realistic.  Gratitude feels much better and there are always numerous things to be grateful for.  For example, I have had several people ask today about my shoulder pain, which is fairly minor at this point but still present.  They asked me to explain it, which I did in fair detail.  As a result, I ended up being more aware of the pain than I usually am and I began feeling negative.  The fact is my pain or discomfort now can be largely taken care of with ibuprofen and was quite a bit worse even a few short weeks ago.  Additionally, there are other aspects of my life that are just wonderful and some are very unusual within the human experience.  Like I said, it feels better to be grateful!

Going With the Flow

A pleasant day with an overriding feeling of things coming to a close or changing.  I feel some discomfort because of things changing, together with a desire to be present and go with the flow.  The day began with a series of staff and clinical meetings at the treatment center where I get many of my referrals.  Following that, I had lunch with a friend and he drove me down to Oak Creek Village and a visit with the healer I have been going to.  As usual, it was a two hour session, and, on this occasion, I found it invigorating and energizing (sometimes I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck).  My friend and I had good conversation and a good connection on the way down and back.  Nothing particularly earthshaking.
I was with the treatment center a little more than two years ago, when it first began.  It keeps changing and growing and I try to be alert to the changes and to then change with it.  Recently another clinician came on board and he has some ideas about firming up the role of clinicians at the treatment center. He is questioning our procedures and recommending some changes.  There are also three clinicians now, instead of just me.  I need to step aside a bit, become part of a group and allow the flow of change.
The healer that I have been going to commented that he has now done just about all he can do, so that will come to a close soon.  I have been doing my own healing work and plan to continue.  The two of us, together, have made a lot of progress, but I am not done with my part.  The brain is slow to respond, but continues, just not as fast as I would like.

Processing Fear

I spent a good deal of the day processing fear.  Unfortunately, if I do not stay in touch with my feelings, my body does not perform well.  What generally happens is that I get aches and pains that do not go away like they normally would, if I don’t acknowledge my feelings.  Many healing practitioners would say that my “chi” gets blocked, preventing the flow of energy and healing.  In this case, today, it is my shoulder that continues to bother me and the associated feeling is fear.
I am not sure what I am afraid of other than it is possible future events and my fear is that I will not cope with it well.  This is a very good example of “false evidence appearing real” since there is nothing really there to fear, it is all projection at this point.  However, the feeling is very real and calls out to be acknowledged.  In addition to acknowledging the feeling, I needed to acknowledge that I would do the best I could, ask for guidance, do the next right thing and continue to put myself out for the welfare of others (act out of love, not fear).

The Absolute

When I use the word “absolute” to refer to a reality other than the relativistic reality I was raised in, I am referring to a reality I was introduced to during a “near death experience” several years ago, a reality I usually just call the “God place”.  I have learned that the God place is the “other side”.  I understand that it is where a person goes when they die.  A place of expanded consciousness and pure love.  I use the word absolute partly because that is how I have heard it called by others and partly because it is just that, absolute, there is no relativity.  There is no love and fear, there is only love.  That sounds wonderful but the fact is, without at least the memory of fear, there is only “isness” within an energetically intense reality.
More recently, I would return to the God place during my meditation and then, typically, after meditation, return to this relativistic reality.  Then one time, I returned and carried the feeling of the God place with me, I could not return completely.  I then asked “how am I going to deal with this feeling of pure love” within my walking around reality.  I was told quite simply “you will get used to it”.  I have and I miss it when it is gone, which I was shown once, for a short time.  Additionally, that feeling changes the way I look at the world fairly dramatically.
Personally, at this point in my life, when I experience fear or terror, I am also always aware of the God place.  Conversely, much of the time I am experiencing the feeling of the God place, with a memory of fear.  It is my hope and belief that others can share in this knowing.