Fear

I just wrote a check in order to self-publish a book I wrote as part of my effort to increase the impact of love and spirituality in the world.  It is not logical but I have been experiencing a great deal of fear around the action of publishing this book.  However, feelings are not rational.  It is best to feel the feelings, express them openly and let them go.  It is also important, in this case, that I not allow the feelings to stop me.

Choice

Earlier today, I was talking to one of my clients and commented that the pictures and videos that go viral on the internet are often of thing like cute animals or babies doing loving things, indicating a good side to humanity.  He pointed out that the things that go viral are often “darker” too, indicating a less pleasant side to humanity.  The fact is that we have both and a great deal of human existence reflects the struggle between the sides.  That struggle has certainly been evident in my history.  It has been part of my life.  I now choose to be on the loving side of the conflict.

Perspective

I really like and have a very personal understanding of the words of  Bradford Keeney  from The Bushman way of Tracking God : “When we started prioritizing thoughts over feelings and seriousness over play, our emotions became ignored.  We forgot what was possible if we kept our good feelings well fed.  This is how we lost hold of the ropes [to God].  Fortunately, they never went away.  They are sleeping in our hearts, waiting for a song to wake them up.”  The fact is that I spent many years with my primary focus on my intellect, before I began to expand my view.

Change

I am working with two individuals that really desire to change, for things to be different in their lives.  I care about each of them and they have turned to me and others for assistance. When I make suggestions, they tell me that they cannot or will not do the actions I suggest.  I have been in their position many times and when I was truly ready for change, I was also ready to do just about anything that was suggested, I had surrendered.  I wonder if it is that simple in these cases.

Uneasy

I attended a movie (“The Theory Of Everything”) about the life of Steven Hawkins today.  The parallels between his life and mine are quite noticeable and I found myself crying several times during the movie.  I have told many people to pay attention when they cry, that there is something of significance there.  That thought makes me uneasy.  He and I each deal with a progressive, degenerative neurological disorder, though each in different ways.  We were both also told that we would die, some years ago.  He has had a large impact on many people and I have not, at least not yet.  We also differ in that love, healing and God have been an important part of my life, rather than intellect.  I wonder what awaits me.

Simplicity, Love and Integrity

The themes in the Friends (Quaker) meeting today were simplicity, love and integrity, very timely in view of the excessively capitalistic manner in which most people move through the holidays.  I have been asked several times about how my Thanksgiving was and my response is always something to the effect of “quiet, with a simple but special vegetarian meal”.  The fact is that Maria and I have a simple, uncluttered life, which leave room for spiritual and emotional connections.

Monotony

In my interactions today, I encountered the question of how to deal with the monotony of life without experiencing boredom and restlessness.  When I was following the purely intellectual interests of a highly trained scientist, I did, indeed, find much of life to be monotonous.  Since that time I have added spiritual and emotional elements to my life.  Life has now taken on much greater depth and complexity within its ultimate simplicity.  I now balance my day to day existence with the realities of love, other emotions and eternity.  Monotony is no longer a concern!

My Responsibility

I have written a book based on this journal, my daily practices and the three questions I use to determine my actions during each day (would I do this in front of God?, is this my responsibility?, and will this increase the integrity of the universe?).  Today, I decided to self-publish for a variety of logistical reasons.  It feels important that I write down the ideas and observations I have been given.  It also feels important that I put the information “out there” for others to see.  Those actions are my responsibility.  Beyond those actions, the outcome, is not up to me.  I do entertain myself by fantasizing about possible (often grandiose!) outcomes.

Gratitude

Today was Thanksgiving and I felt a lot of gratitude for my life, with all of its numerous difficulties, primarily because of my focus on eternity, rather than my day to day existence.  I also went through a period of fear, before I realized that using the eternal view, my fears were silly.  My best way to realize the silliness of my fears is to ask myself “if I were on my deathbed, would this make any difference”.

Reacting To Fear

I am clear that I do not know the “right” or loving action to take for other people, and that it is even difficult for me to determine that action for myself.  However, I observe and communicate with many others around me who are responding primarily to some form of fear of possible future events.  They are reacting to fear rather than love, quite understandable since that is the way we have been taught.  I have spent most of my life reacting to fears of one sort or another.  The reason that I now choose to base my reactions on love is that the outcome is generally better for everyone involved and feels “right”.