Passion

I find that I have very mixed feelings about my book.  There is the fear I spoke of yesterday.  I am also impressed and proud that I actually wrote it.  There is a feeling of extreme gratitude about having the attitudes and experiences expressed in the book.  Finally there is a hope that my little book will help people move a little closer to having love, oneness and connectedness be the driving force in their lives.  I cry when I read through it.

Felling the Feelings

I received the page proofs for the book I wrote today.  The book is titled Three Simple Questions and on one hand the proofs look good.  On the other hand, receiving the proofs threw me into fear, once again.  The fear is about the possible consequences of putting myself “out there” so blatantly.  I am experiencing lots of fantasy and ridiculous projection.  It appears to be time to feel the feelings and let them pass!

More on Empty Fullness

I am relatively detached from worldly events, though I still feel their pull fairly often, and realize that the pull is irrelevant.  I tend to see worldly events, even those that appear to be tragic, as contributing to the love in the world, in an eternal sense.  My view is not really optimistic since I am not thinking of the avoidance of tragedy.  In fact, I tend to expect tragedy and hard times to occur.  I do see those events as how we grow and that those events move us closer to love.  My view reflects what I refer to as the “empty fullness” of life on this planet, a decidedly different view.

Humility

The topic in tonight’s recovery meeting was “humility”, which is an important objective for me to keep in mind.  I do fairly well with maintaining humility, but not without almost daily effort.  I can certainly start thinking and feeling that I am “advanced” and know guidelines that would help others, an almost manic feeling.  The problem is that if I indulge in that thought or feeling, I immediately lose the balance I spoke of yesterday.  I also lose my ability to listen to others and connect with them.

Balance 2

I strive for the balance that deCastillejo talked about in her book Knowing Woman; “good and also evil, light and also darkness, spirit and also body, brain and also heart, masculine focused consciousness and at the same time feminine diffuse awareness, wisdom of maturity and childlike wonder”.  I also have to keep the endless efforts of my ego to assert itself at bay, if I am to take this approach.  Overall, this approach makes a genuine connection, followed by healing and growth much more possible.

More on Diffuse Awareness

Once again today I have been reflecting on what I call “diffuse awareness”, which is important to me since it leads me to things like love, faith & God.  As I said a couple of days ago “Masculine focused consciousness by itself can be dry, unimaginative and lifeless”, which used to be me.  As a budding scientist I realized, intuitively, that something was missing.  I realized that by itself the scientific approach was wonderful but also incomplete and limited.  Since then, I have been exploring and developing my intuitive, loving and feeling side.

Humility

I need to stay humble, act out of love and remember that I am not in charge.  I have a tendency to think that I know what is best for other people and also to have grandiose ideas about myself.  Neither of those tendencies work for me.  As a mental health therapist, I am in a position where I am frequently asked about what the best path is for my clients.  I have specialized training that some think, prepares me to make such decisions.  I can and do offer guidance, but I also make it clear that I do not know.

Balance

In meditating and contemplating on what I wrote yesterday, I realize that either masculine focused consciousness or feminine diffuse awareness by themselves can be problematic.  They can also work well by themselves in some circumstances. Feminine diffuse awareness combined with the logic of masculine focused consciousness it is generally very productive, alone it can lead to superstition and fantasy.  Masculine focused consciousness by itself can be dry, unimaginative and lifeless.

Diffuse Awareness

Today I have been reflecting a lot on what deCastillejo calls feminine diffuse awareness, which I make extensive use of daily.  As she says "I cannot stress to strongly that matriarchal consciousness or diffuse awareness is not identical with the formless chaos of the unconscious.  It is emphatically not unconscious.  Its difference in quality from masculine focused consciousness with which we are all familiar, lies in its whole unbroken state which defies scientific analysis and logical deduction, and is therefore not possible to formulate in clear unambiguous terms."  It's hard to define or pin down any exact concept for feminine diffuse awareness, which is precisely the point.  It includes things like intuition, knowing, sensing, truth and feeling.  Combined with the logic of masculine focused consciousness it is good, without it can lead to superstition and fantasy.

Decisions Based on Love

Love is simple, selfless and always “promotes the integrity of the universe” and, as Shepherd Hoodwin also states "Love has a quality you can learn to discern.  It 'feels right'.  It is truthful and inclusive.  There is no objective measurement to confirm that you are experiencing love.  You can only trust your intuition and do your best.  If you do, your capacity to discern love will grow.  We are all learning this skill."  The problem comes in that a person has to put various ego interests like, financial gain, being right or being in control, aside, if one is to make a decision based on love.  Like he says, we are learning to do that.