Health & Healing

I went to my MD. for my annual physical today, always an unpleasant experience, since I end up focusing on my numerous physical problems for a couple of hours.  In addition her role is to look for health problems, so she is problem oriented, while I am health and solution oriented.  It is remarkable to me that both viewpoints are necessary for me to continue to maintain health.  Both viewpoints are also important if I am to maintain an attitude of humility and acceptance.

Being More Than I Am

In the past I wanted a “god with skin on” as a mentor in my recovery program and now I strive to be that for the people that I mentor.  As I was saying today, the simple fact is that I am just a “silly human being”, subject to the same foibles, problems and challenges as anyone else on this planet.  However, I can be much more than that simple human if I ally myself with and am in harmony with the force or power I call love or God.  If I remain humble, ask for support and guidance and conduct myself accordingly, I find that I am capable of remarkable things.  I strive to help other people to do something similar.

Taking Risks

One of my clients gave me a framed photo of a majestic, old fashioned, ocean going, sailing ship, doing its thing, sailing in the open ocean.  The caption reads “a ship in the harbor is safe.....but that is not what ships are for”.  The photo is meant as an analogy for my tendency to lead a life of risk and exposure rather than always taking the safe alternative.  For example, I just wrote and am in the process of publishing a book on a spiritual approach to life, a very personal book on an approach which I use.  Recently, I have been very aware that the book will expose me to various forms of criticism, which will happen, if the book is successful.  It feels important for me to “speak my truth”, though part of me also wants to remain safe.

A Different View

Several years ago, during a sweat lodge ceremony, I asked, quite sincerely, to see humanity the way God does.  Some time after that I came out of my morning meditation and felt only great love, compassion and understanding for myself and my fellow humans.  I can only describe the feeling as being like that of a loving parent toward their own baby or infant, great love with the assumption that the behaviors of the baby will be pretty silly as they learn about life.  Before that meditation my view of myself and the rest of humanity was quite a bit harsher.  Through my meditative practices I have realized that God does indeed thoroughly embrace humanity and the human experience.  I sense no judgement or requirements, only love.

Attempting to be a Positive Influence

I do the best I can, trying to be a positive influence on the world around me.  I make an effort to conduct myself with integrity.  In spite of my efforts, some people get angry at me or think I am lying, controlling, etc.  I gather that is part of expressing myself, putting myself “out there”.  I often feel like one of those ocean reef creatures that retract when the water around them is disturbed even slightly.  It is better for me to keep in mind the words of Mother Teresa “Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough; Give the world the best you’ve got anyway.  You see, in the final analysis, It never was between you and them anyway.”

Humility

The topic for today’s recovery meeting was “humility”, an attitude which, historically, I have not done well with.  In the past I was certain I was right and imposed my will on a lot of situations and people, not very harmonious.  As I said during the meeting, it is now paradoxical that my life is highly productive and harmonious as long as I continue to ask for support and guidance, consider myself an instrument and remember that I am not in charge.  I am more effective if I maintain an attitude of humility.

Being Lost

We had our monthly men’s group tonight and I spoke of feeling lost, as expressed in the dream I described yesterday.  After I spoke people commented & it seemed apparent that the other members did not understand my feelings, which was not surprising since I did not describe them well.  I don’t really understand either, which is the nature of being lost.  Not surprisingly talking about being lost did help me clarify the feeling.  The fact is that through increasing awareness, meditation and reading I have realized that most of the things in life that I clung to actually meant little or nothing.  Things like material possessions, jobs, performance, cause and effect, ego or specific belief systems mean little or nothing while ethereal things like love and connectedness mean something.  However, the specific words used to describe those ethereal things (quantum physics, science, specific religions or belief systems) do not matter.  That does not leave me with much to hold on to - probably a good thing.

Descriptive Dream

I had a dream in which I was lost and very slowly wandering in a city of mystery, a city where people were very normal and totally occupied with the duties of life, an obvious metaphor for my current existence.  By the end of the dream and by relying heavily on the people I met, I found my way back to the known location I was searching for, my origin.  The interesting part of the dream is that I still felt lost and extremely uncomfortable, while everyone else was just fine, again, very descriptive of my current situation.

Changing Focus

If I focus my attention on the fact that I am disabled, in pain, experiencing emotional turmoil, getting older or any other of a number of unpleasant, earthbound facts of my life, I can certainly feel that life has dealt me some poor cards.  These facts or events of my life are very transient, some would say illusory.  If, however, I change my focus to the eternal sense of “I am”, I can view the same events as very short lived and bringing me closer to love, acceptance and compassion.  The latter is a more long term view that I can arrive at through the processes of detachment and meditation on the wonder of life.

Being Present

This afternoon Maria and I went out to a special location in the Twin Arrows area, nearby.  The spot is on a ridge, having an expansive view, with ruins and a strong spirit presence.  While there, there was a light rain, some wind and wonderful smells.  Because of the wind and rain, for protection I nestled myself within the branches of a small juniper.  I felt a strong connection with that little tree, smelling the scent of the juniper and being wrapped within its branches.  I could also feel a welcoming presence, with no need to understand why, just being present and enjoying the sensations.