Risk & Faith

I have a good life here and I am very much aware of my tendency to just stick with that and to ignore the calling to go back east and begin a new adventure or phase of my life. The words of Sawhill come to mind, that "To attain excellence, you must care more than others think wise, risk more than others think safe and dream more than others think practical". I want to attain that excellence and I am willing to experience some discomfort along the way.

Change

During this period of my life I marvel (with some discomfort!) at how rapidly things are changing while grieving the past and preparing for the future. The rapidity of things changing is exemplified by the fact that before even listing our house for sale, we had some friends over to look at it & they bought it. That was a few days ago and we have been signing contracts and arranging for inspections since then. For the first time in my life, I am feeling the loss of moving on, particularly regarding the people, but also the experiences of the last several years. I have also been reading in preparation for my new life. I have been meditating and attempting to be present for all of this.

Feeling The Feelings

Today I told the people at my workplace that this would be my last month. I was surprised by how much sadness and grief I felt when I told them that. They have been my main source of referrals for six years and I have put a lot of myself into that program. I will miss the people and my position there. I spent a good part of the afternoon meditating and contemplating, just letting the feelings wash over me

Guidance 2

I wrote yesterday of the guidance I received concerning the Sun Dance from the appearance of the "black Charlie Horton". The reason those memories come to me is that the same level of guidance, though often less obvious, is happening now concerning the current changes in my life (career path, physical location and spiritual shift). My job is to listen, pay attention and take the necessary actions. Yesterday Maria and I went out to a site south of Twin Arrows to perform a ceremony/ritual acknowledging the changes and committing to spiritually expand to the new challenges.

Guidance

A little over twenty years ago, when I was fairly new to the Flagstaff area and had just begun exploring the Native American approach to spirituality, I was invited to attend a Sun Dance, as an observer. At that time Maria, my wife, was not supportive of my exploration and had told me that if I ever chose to participate in a Sun Dance, not just observe, she "would not be there when I returned". I was conflicted and asked for guidance about whether to go or not. I had also recently joined a practice in Flagstaff and the secretary came back to my office and told me that someone was in the waiting area requesting to talk to me. He was a colorfully and somewhat shabbily dressed black man and I invited him to come back to my office. I asked him why he wanted to talk and he explained that he had seen the plaque out front announcing "Charlie Horton, Therapist" and felt compelled to meet me since his name was also Charlie Horton! I then asked him what brought him to Flagstaff and he replied "I’m here to go to the Sun Dance". At that point I thought "message received" and went to the Sun Dance, which turned out to be an extremely significant event for me. The words of Williamson come to mind that "We will be told everything we need to know and shown everything we need to see", an important message in this time of change.

Being In The Flow

Today we sold our house and I was surprised how easy it was and how quickly it happened. We did not even have to involve a realtor, list it or put a sign out front. Also, last week we were contacted by a financial firm that had turned up about $23,000.00 of unclaimed assets from my fathers estate that I was owed. He died over sixteen years ago and we can certainly use the money for the upcoming relocation. The universe is clearly supporting us and as I commented a few days ago, it feels good to be "in the flow".

Holistic Health

This morning, before my recovery meeting, an older looking fellow using a walker and with obvious muscular/neurological difficulties was assisted to the seat next to mine by his nurse. The man also had the left eye of his glasses blacked out and a small microphone in front of his mouth to make it so people could hear him when he spoke. He looked to be in pretty rough shape. I was wondering why he purposely sat next to me since there were lots of other seats available. He then turned to me, took off his glasses and began to speak in an amplified whisper. I suddenly realized, with a jolt, that he was an old friend. He was in much worse shape than I was. About a decade ago he began having the neurological and muscular problems of Parkinson’s disease which had now progressed and had been exacerbated by several strokes. At that time he elected to follow a western medicine approach to his problem, while I chose to follow the holistic approach outlined in my website and book. It struck me very forcefully that "there, but for the grace of God" went I. According to western medicine I should have been quite a bit worse off or dead.

Ccommittment

Having made a decision to make the changes I have talked about the last few days, I have been marveling at how the universe is cooperating and encouraging us. I am reminded of the comments by W. H. Murray "that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamt would have come his way." Today it feels good "to be in the flow".

Self-care 2

Yesterday I wrote about having "strong, mixed, very human and extremely transient emotions" which were due to "my sister’s recent death, the probable approaching move to the east coast, changing careers and leaving people I love" and I spoke of several actions I was using to deal with the feelings, basically methods of allowing and encouraging the feelings. Today I was very aware that the feelings were not going away nearly as fast as I would like and that I was also feeling hyper-sensitive and needy. I realize that I need more meditation, contemplation time.

Self-care

I am experiencing strong, mixed, very human and extremely transient emotions, along with some amusement and enjoyment knowing that the feelings reflect my own attachments and that from an eternal perspective they are just a small piece of the puzzle. The feelings are due to my sister’s recent death, the probable approaching move to the east coast, changing careers and leaving people I love, all within the context of getting older and being disabled. I am experiencing anger, sadness, fear, feeling lost and groundless, all due to my attachments. I have been talking, meditating, expressing and writing about my feelings. I know that they are fine and I experience them and let them pass. The process is fun to watch!