Struggle

Today was one of those days when life feels like a struggle — so I did it anyway. I have chosen a rigorous spiritual path and have been given many gifts as a result. I would have it no other way but today the path just feels difficult and demanding. I often feel great joy, but today I do not — which seems to be part of this path. I simply did the things I normally do — knowing that "this too shall pass". I am now writing about it though I would rather not and would rather be upbeat. "To get we must also give, to advance we must also surrender, to gain we must lose, to attain we must resign. From the nature of things life means choice and selection, and every positive choice negates all other possibilities." (Rufus Jones)

Growth

In preparation for our reading group I have been re-reading the "Refiner’s fire" section of the book Our Life is Love: The Quaker Spiritual Journey, written by Marcelle Martin. In this section she writes of God’s cleansing or purifying a person of any ideas or attitudes that do not fit within compassion, love and God. She often refers to God’s judgment and this shift being a painful realization process for many people. In my connection with God I find God’s Love to be absolute and unconditional, meaning any judgement does not come from God and is probably of human origin. As a species we are very good at judgment and criticism — we are learning about acting out of love.

Rainmaker Ideal

For many years now I have followed a path that I call the "Rainmaker Ideal", attempting to achieve its openness.  I first encountered the ideal in the beautiful writings of Irene Claremont deCastillejo. As she stated "We have forgotten how to allow. The essence of the Rainmaker is that he knows how to allow. The Rainmaker walks in the middle of the road, neither held back by the past nor hurrying towards the future, neither lured to the right nor to the left, but allowing the past and the future, the outer world of the right and the inner images of the left all to play upon him while he attends, no more than attends, to the living moment in which these forces meet.

In those rare moments when all the opposites meet within a man, good and also evil, light and also darkness, spirit and also body, brain and also heart, masculine focused consciousness and at the same time feminine diffuse awareness, wisdom of maturity and childlike wonder; when all are allowed and none displaces any other in the mind of a man, then that man, though he may utter no word is in an attitude of prayer. Whether he knows it or not his own receptive allowing will affect all those around him; rain will fall on the parched fields, and tears will turn bitter grief to flowering sorrow, while stricken children dry their eyes and laugh." I have found on numerous occasions that my presence and this level of allowing have a remarkable healing effect on people. Speaking is difficult for me and it often seems that my silent presence is enough.

Self-care

In terms of my own recuperation after the retreat I made the very conscious choice to be easy on myself today and do things that supported my recovery. I did a lot of exercising, some cooking, some meditating and some quiet resting. I must admit that I thought about pushing myself to do more cooking, but did not.  During the retreat I went through several days of intensive giving through service and surrender to the powers of the universe and it is now time to rest. I am reminded that "To get we must also give, to advance we must also surrender, to gain we must lose, to attain we must resign. From the nature of things life means choice and selection, and every positive choice negates all other possibilities." (Rufus Jones)

Gratitude

So ends another retreat and I am very grateful for the wonderful weekend and equally grateful it is over and I am back in MD. During the retreat I was lovingly directive with the participants never losing my total commitment to their growth and welfare. In working with people on the retreat it felt like I had no choice other than my total commitment to their welfare, right to the end. I was also given "the power to carry it out" and felt great love during the whole process. I was not even aware of how exhausted I was — until it was over and then I did not want to interact with anyone. Now I go through a period of recuperation. I am reminded of the words of Irene Claremont deCastillejo when she wrote "For there to be a meeting, it seems as though a third, a something else, is always present. You may call it Love, or the Holy Spirit. Jungians would say that it is the presence of the Self. If this 'Other' is present, there cannot have failed to be a meeting."

Last Entry

This will be my last entry until Monday the 17^th. This evening I am in the retreat "zone", a condition which tells me this retreat is important for some reason. I may or may not know why the retreat is important and I am good with that. I will allow and be present. I do feel the Presence of some force I will call God. I am also confident that I will get the necessary guidance and all I need to do is listen and act accordingly. I have been excitedly packing and now I just feel at peace. I particularly look forward to being along the shoreline of the Sea of Cortez at dawn for the next few mornings, performing a dawn ceremony and meditation,

Peace

Yesterday I was anxious and scattered and right now I am at peace though nothing external to me has changed except that I am one day closer to the things that were causing most of my disturbance. The reason for my shift is that I explored what was troubling me during meditation by allowing the feelings and understanding them. I wrote and talked about the anxiety in a very open and loving way. I recall the first time I followed the same process with my own anger. I actually felt cheated because the anger passed so quickly, not allowing me to build up a head of steam. "When the diverse living energies of the human system are harmonized, the present bloody face of the world will be transformed into an image of the face of God." (A.B. Schmookler)

Scattered

Tonight I am scattered! Normally I scan through my day and my quotes looking for any spiritual lesson that "jumps out" at me to write about in this blog. Today I have been visiting with my in-laws, dealing with finances, preparing for shopping and making some last minute preparations for the coming retreat. In short, I have gotten hooked in to life. Time to relax and trying to meditate. "indeed, it is only through the practice of inner silence that we can begin to disentangle ourselves from our culture and its illusions. (Daniel A. Seeger)

Listening

I attended a family gathering of my in-laws today during which my mother-in-law noted that she was losing her hearing and missed many of the words being spoken. I pointed out that she could still listen between the words and that a great deal of communication takes place there in the unspoken. I did not elaborate so my point was lost but during any conversation there is an exchange of energy and often a joining of energy fields which, unlike the spoken word, is honest and a major part of the communication. It is possible to pay attention to the unspoken. Words can lie while the unspoken cannot. "To understand better the value of silence in daily life, and its relation to this spiritual transformation for which we yearn, it is useful first to consider the limitation of language, of words. "(Daniel A. Seeger)

Connection

When I communicate with inhabitants of the unseen realm, spirits and trees, I first meditatively connect with God’s power and Love, then telepathically show them what that power and Love feel like so they can feel it themselves and then pass it on. I have also succeeded in showing that power and Love to living humans at least twice. In each case with living people they were about to die and their knowing helped their transition. In order to show them I generated and allowed that power and Love to pass through me, an unforgettable and intense experience. I had to connect with the God part of myself and God, then allowing myself to be enveloped in that Love and power, an experience impossible to explain. "There are, says saint John of the Cross, encounters with God such that the devil cannot possibly counterfeit them, nor can one’s imagination create them. Some are so indelibly imprinted in the center of one’s being that they can neither be described nor forgotten."