Connecting

I wrote yesterday of going "through my daily activities within a bubble of love" which is the way it feels to me but is also the energy field that surrounds me. Many people enjoy being around me apparently because of that energy field, some even referring to being near me as "Charlie time". There are also some people who do not want to be close to me because I will lovingly "probe" them and know things about them they would rather I didn’t. I can only probe people with their permission and would never violate them in any way. To me, probing others and allowing myself to be probed is part of connecting or the feeling of being with them.

The Kingdom

Due, in part, to carrying out daily practices such as outlined in my book, I go through my daily activities within a "bubble of love" and feel the presence of the divine all around me. If I cut back on those activities or become distracted by worldly events, I also lose or reduce my connection. I think of what I describe as feeling the presence of "the Kingdom of God" and, for me, maintenance of that feeling does require daily practice — a discipline well worth the effort. "The kingdom of God is not coming with signs that can be observed, nor will they say; ‘Look here it is!’ or ‘There it is!’ for the kingdom of God is within you."(from the gospel of Luke)

Recovery

My recovery meeting today consisted of three females of various ages and me. It was a very good meeting for me. They were all new to recovery so they had not learned the recovery "lingo" yet and they were all extremely honest about the power alcohol had over them. The talk was raw, heartfelt and honest. A common theme for the meeting was that self-will and intellect were not enough to overcome addiction and that recovery required some sort of spiritual intervention or awakening. I spoke of my experience that self-will and knowledge was not enough for me — but I sure tried!

Silence

Today was a day of silent worship, a day of listening for clarity and guidance. The day began with a formal hour of silent worship in the Quaker tradition and continued with various quiet activities including shopping, lunch, resting, meditating and working in the garden. I heard people comment about the chaos, hurt and anger in the world and knew that in the eternal sense "all was as it should be — all was well". "It [inner silence] is to establish an inner peace, an inner harmony, which will allow us authentically to contribute to the establishment of an outer peace and an outer harmony in the world at large." (Daniel A. Seeger)

Limits

The theme at today’s recovery meeting was not allowing other people determine our own limits and capabilities by their opinions and words about us. During the meeting I kept reflecting on the fact that I had stumbled and fallen about a week ago — which sounds like a failure. The fact is that I was doing something that "a person in my condition" has no business doing. I was walking over rough terrain without my cane or trekking poles and lost my focus because someone interrupted me. To me, that is not failure since I was pushing myself beyond my limits, something I do all the time, and sometimes get consequences.

Reality

The subtitle of my book is to "be in the world but not of it", meaning to participate in worldly things but not to rely on them for any sense of long lasting fulfillment. I enjoy going to work and do my job lovingly and well, as my purpose in this incarnation. I do the same for other aspects of "money power and prestige", trying to add to the integrity of the universe. For a strong sense of reality and sense of fulfillment I turn to my divine, eternal connection. I look on them as different and valuable aspects of reality and balance the two.

Near-Death-Experience

When I had my Near-Death-Experience in 2006 I was told that "This is what it feels like to be dead", a powerful and all-encompassing feeling of unconditional love. It felt like being bathed in that feeling and that nothing else mattered. The pain and struggles of my physical existence vanished. It was a very cleansing feeling. I was given the option of "coming back" to be of service, an option I took because of that Love. Through that experience and my nightly contact I have learned to love everyone and everything.

Over-thinking

Last night during meditation, while listening, I kept hearing that I thought about my issues way to much, that my thinking interfered with my progress and that I was better off just doing, not thinking. Lately I have been having some health concerns which are probably minor but I over-think them, creating anxiety for myself. There are other activities in my daily life that I simply "do" and have the faith that they will turn out. I do not over-think them. I take the action, feel gratitude that I have support and guidance and have confidence or faith in the outcome. Sounds simple, I should pay attention! "To understand better the value of silence in daily life, and its relation to this spiritual transformation for which we yearn, it is useful first to consider the limitation of language, of words. It is next useful to contemplate the limitations of logical reasoning."

Listening

I feel more spiritually lost than usual since the Universe has provided me with several major challenges lately and I don’t know what is being asked of me. My response to the feeling of being lost is to meditate, get internally silent and listen — which is simple but not easy for me. When I try to quiet my brain my ego inserts all sorts of memories, beliefs and doubts. One of the concepts I keep hearing is "you don’t have to believe — just do it! "Listening is a far more difficult process than most people imagine; really to listen in the way that is meant by the masters is to let go utterly of ourselves, to let go of all the information, all of the concepts, all the ideas and all the prejudices that our heads are stuffed with."(Sogyal Rinpoche)

Growth

Today, my birthday, I was acknowledged as being a gentle and loving man, which is true, though, as my wife and I pointed out, I still have periods of being a jerk. I used to be hurt, angry and very judgmental. I was self centered and considered myself to be superior to most people. I finally realized that I was hurting myself and began turning towards love and being loving as a way of life which felt better and was constructive, not destructive. "What deeper meaning did this paradox hold for him [Jung]? It was the revelation that not only might good be wrought from the darkness of the unformed abyss, the unconscious, but that part of the very energy of the evil urge in man, if one would but wrestle with it, as had Jacob with the angel, would yield its own peculiar blessing. So profoundly did he trust the darkness of the unconscious!"(John Yungblut)