Fear

As frequently happens when something throws me off balance a bit, I keep slipping back into fear, even though I continue to do all the things I do to stay balanced.  In this case, it was my diarrhea and general malaise that threw me off balance and my fear is that my physical condition is getting worse.  I have no indication (other than a vivid imagination!) that my physical condition is worsening, though that is expected, according to the doctors.  I even know my fear to be illusory.  My problems are real, the fear is not.  It is also clear to me that when I ask the universe/God for help in dealing with my condition, I get it and that overall I will continue to be just fine, whatever that means.
Tonight the recovery meeting, not surprisingly, was about the many forms that fears take and how fears tend to run our lives, at times.  I was reminded of how various fears use to run my life and I had a feeling of gratitude that those fears are now just whispers and that they have been replaced by love and faith.

The Absolute 2

Today, I kept thinking back on something Margaret Mead once said, that “As I understand contemporary trends of physical science, there is increasing recognition of vast unknown areas which science may explore and assist in ordering, but to which it may never provide anything like complete answers.”  What I and various others refer to as the “Absolute” is part of that “vast unknown”.  It is a part of my reality that I explore daily and a source of power that can change lives.  To know of, and having experienced, the absolute is a rare gift, a gift that I need to keep in my daily awareness.
We live in a world of duality.  We understand pleasant because there is unpleasant, night because of day, etc.  It is hard to understand, but in the absolute there is no dichotomy of anything, no different sexes, separateness, race or social standing (as in John Lenon’s song “Imagine”).  There are souls of all things and there is the source, love/God.  These souls are entities in themselves and part of the source at the same time.  There is no individuality, as we know it since there is no separateness.  There is no forgiveness since there is nothing to forgive.  All are a part of an intense feeling of love and connection to all.  There are differences in souls, depending on their stages of growth.  There is total perfection at the same time.  There is no contradiction in this situation.  Things just are.

Simple Joy

Today, I observed one of my close friends interacting with his profoundly disabled daughter, a young woman who is an infant, cognitively.  I found the interaction to be very moving. Her face showed the simple joy of being with her father and playing with the toys she had with her, a joy that was not complicated by the “complexities of consciousness, language, ethics, treachery, revulsion, reason, religion, premeditation or free will” (Lance Morrow, Time magazine, 1988).  Her father’s face also showed the joy of love and connection, though his look was more complex, due to adult/parental concerns.  Their obvious connection also had an impact on others that were present.  I felt a warmth and gratitude for the power and existence of love and connection.  To me, that symbolized a large part of what my recovery is about.  In the past, I would have been too distracted by the things I considered important to notice.
I also know of her problem times and her crying out in pain.  Both feelings are very much a part of her and his life.  I can readily identify with the joy and the problem times, though my disability is not nearly as severe.  I have experienced both feelings, occasionally at the same time.

Recovery

Today I worked with four young male recovering heroin addicts.  I closed with one of them and he is moving on with plans to go to school and, possibly, begin working with other recovering people.  As I told him, he has the potential to go far.  Another of the individuals today has already begun his post-addict life.  The two others are relatively early in the process and I can just begin to see the light coming on in their eyes.  All four clearly demonstrate the power of love and connection and how that power can change lives.  It is a wondrous experience, for me, to be so immersed in that power.
I am still struggling with being sick (general malaise and diarrhea).  It doesn’t happen often, but I do not like being sick.  I find it hard to maintain a positive attitude in spite of disability, pain and sickness.  Writing the above paragraph and staying focused on love, certainly helps!

A Broadening Perspective

Today I encountered one of the foundational phrases that I heard and came to espouse in my scientific past, “If you cannot measure it, it does not exist”.  At one point, several years ago, I was speaking to an international audience about my research, and I questioned the validity of a theory of a prominent colleague based on the fact that it was not testable and was, therefore, worthless.  I find it amusing and quite ironic that I now base my life on things like God or the power of love, things that are totally untestable.  During my scientific years, I did not realize that I was closing myself off from a great deal of information, that science had a very definite part, but was not a total answer.
During dinner tonight, my wife, Maria, and I were having some light conversation and, in response to my comment about something being trivial, she said “nothing is too trivial for the physical plane”.  I tend to get involved in all sorts of drama, such as the living problems of relatives or the way my boss treats me, which mean very little if one takes the perspective of eternity.

Spiritual Beings Having a Physical Experience

I just facilitated a four day men’s spiritual retreat in Mexico, near Rocky Point on the shore of the Sea of Cortez.  We got back late on Sunday and I have been sick and mostly in bed with cramps and diarrhea since then.  It is now Tuesday evening and I am happy to say that I feel better.  I don’t like being sick, but know it will pass, as things do.
The retreat was a wonderful experience for all ten of us.  Lots of love, connection and emotional vulnerability.  Early in the retreat we spread the ashes of a friend in the Sea.  We then talked about grief, change, who and what we really are.  I put the stress on each of us being spiritual beings having a physical experience.  As usual, I attempted to facilitate the movement of each individual a step or two further along their spiritual path, by providing the emotional and spiritual space they need.  It is important, for me, that I keep things general and have respect for individual differences.  I truly feel a lot of love for these guys and want the best for them.

Holding Hands With Personal Demons

As I said in the meeting tonight, “I believe that life is perfect right now, and there is a pretty good chance that will be true tomorrow!”  Perfection , for me, does not mean there is no room for growth and change, it just means that things are just fine the way they are and that I very much enjoy the human experience.  That attitude is quite remarkable since I have spent most of my life living with guilt, shame, low self worth, rules of conduct and a lot of fear.  It took being near death a few times for me to realize the truth of what I heard years ago, that “nothing matters very much and very few things matter at all”.  With that in mind, the emotions that were troubling me, my personal demons, fell away, with effort.
As I said in the previous paragraph, I had a lot of personal demons.  The way I have gotten (mostly!) past them is to “hold hands” with them, confront them and work through them, one at a time.  When I say hold hands with them, I mean accept and embrace them as part of me, I can then do the work of confronting and working past them.  During the process, my central focus was my spiritual condition.  I could only do the work from within love.  The process was neither pretty nor fun.

Complete Understanding

During my experiences today, both with clients and at my recovery meeting, it, once again, became quite clear that it is not possible for most people to completely understand the experiences of another.  What I call “deep listening” makes it possible to come a great deal closer to a complete understanding, but it is still like being outside of the experience looking in, rather than having had the experience.  Deep listening certainly allows for greater understanding and genuine empathy, but it is not the same as going through the experience.  This realization came about through discussions about what it meant to be addicted, dependent on and obsessed by some sort of chemical, what I typically describe as ‘being owned” by the chemical.  It is not possible for a non-addict to completely understand what it is like to be addicted.  However, even without a given experience, it is possible to truly listen and come to a valid understanding, rather than simply projecting beliefs, it just requires more effort.

A Divine Meeting

Today, while working with a family, I was reminded of a comment made by deCastillejo in her book Knowing Woman, "For there to be a meeting, it seems as though a third, a something else, is always present.  You may call it Love, or the Holy Spirit.  Jungians would say that it is the presence of the Self.  If this 'Other' is present, there cannot have failed to be a meeting." In this case, there was a very strong feeling of a presence and I felt very much like a divine conduit along with my typical indications of sweating, runny nose and speech improvement.  Also, each of the family members were being authentic and completely present.  It was an important, loving, magical, and totally exhausting, couple of hours.  It feels amazing for me to be present for such a life changing moment.

Achieving Peace and Serenity

I was reminded today that my experience is that it is not possible to skip over the unpleasant emotions like shame, guilt or hurt, often associated with past events, and move straight to peace and serenity.  It is clear to me that in order to achieve higher levels of communion and deeper levels of peace, it is necessary to completely resolve and integrate those feelings first.  For me, the first step in the process of resolving my past issues was breaking down my denial and becoming aware that I was carrying around feelings of hurt, guilt and shame, an unpleasant realization.  The next step(s) involved several years of shedding light on those feelings, understanding where they came from and recognizing the truth about them, that they were lies or misunderstandings.  The final result has been a sense of freedom I did not know was possible and a deeper love for myself and others.