I Am

My life and the world around me is full of pain, chaos, uncertainty and transience, yet I feel joy and peace.  This condition has puzzled me and I have wondered how I could be so acutely aware of each.  I have come to realize that I am aware of the pain and chaos, but detached from them, and I have no desire to make it otherwise, they are simply what is.  I am at peace with life because I identify closely with the eternal, unborn “I am”.  I found that part of me by detaching from all of the pain and chaos around me and identifying with the love I found in the eternal, through the process of meditation.

The Perfection of Being Human

Many years ago I asked/prayed to see things and people in this world the way God does.  Some time after that I had a near death experience during which I was taken to the outskirts(?) of the other side and told “This is what it feels like to be here, you can go back and be of service but your physical condition will get worse”.  The important part was the very strong feeling of love coupled with approval of the human experience, while in the presence of that force.  That feeling of love was much stronger than anything I have experienced on the earthly plane.  My over-whelming sense of God’s view was that being human meant being perfect and having room for growth at the same time, a conflict in our view, but not while there.  My view now is that I can do no less since that is what I was shown.  Many people have said that the purpose of life on earth is to learn to give and receive love.  To me, this a very powerful example of that.

Overcoming Challenges

During the meeting tonight, there were a couple of topics floating around.  One was that things like worry, fear and self-deprecation drive many of the thoughts and feelings of most of us.  People confessed to worrying about things like not having enough money, the job ending or not being good enough.  I spoke up, laughing, and commented that I often had such thoughts and considered them as examples of being a silly, wonderful human, of not being “wrapped to tight”.  I also made it clear that I did not take such thoughts seriously.
I found it disturbing that I was welcomed as “one of the guys”, when speaking of my weaknesses and quickly left alone when I spoke of overcoming them, as if having weaknesses was supported and overcoming them was not.  Similarly, in early recovery, it was laughed about and clearly enjoyed as I discovered and began to work on my numerous, dysfunctional behaviors and ideas.  There was/is a good deal less enjoyment expressed, having overcome those challenges.  I must admit that it is very comfortable for me to continue with dysfunctional behaviors, much like continuing to be with an old friend, they are familiar.

Sorting Time

Today was a day of self-care and sorting things out through meditation.  I could sense that the “I am” part of me needed to do some sorting out, but since that part is beyond thought and words, all I could do was open up to that part, feel it and let it sort things out until it was done.  That is what I did, with no understanding of what was happening, but a feeling of completion, satisfaction and peace when it was done.  Very strange.  Understanding is not required.

I Am

I can sense, though not thoroughly explain, the presence of an “I am” that is connected to the absolute and behind but not attached to any experience within the physical world.  That “I am” is within each of us, unborn and does not die when the body does, “This realized self is not born, Nor does it ever die.  It comes from nowhere and is nobody.  Unborn, eternal, imperish-able, original, It is not killed, though the body be destroyed.” (Katha Upanishad).  I can only access that part of me through meditation in which I discard all of my attachments to this world.  Having done that, I can then carry knowing that “I am” with me during the day.

Connection

I frequently find myself doing things that I cannot explain in words, as guided by my own intuition or guidance received during meditation.  These are almost always interactions with another person out of love and service for them.  At those times, I feel a very strong/intense connection to them and All That Is.  My actions are guided by knowing that all things in the universe are connected and that any action affects the whole universe.  Unfortunately, I do not have the words to explain more fully.

Bubble of Love

Generally, I walk around each day within, what I describe as a “bubble of love”, which changes the way I interact with people, places and things.  In the past, and sometimes in the present, I walked around in what I would describe as a “bubble of fear”, as if everything and everybody was a potential threat and that I needed to be on guard and protect myself.  I was not paranoid about my environment, just aware and a bit on guard, the way most people seem to be, and I was raised to be.  At any rate, my attitude today tends to be something like: everything and everyone is under the care and guidance of the benevolent force I call God, that I am part of that force and my assumption is that I will be taken care of, that I need not understand and that “the universe is unfolding as it should”.
Every once in a while, I fall back into fear, like the other day when I was experiencing some computer difficulties or someone questioned my approach to life.  When that happens I really do not like the way it feels and I explore the feeling and its cause during meditation.  Then I decide what course of action I need to take in order to get back to a loving space, which now feels more normal.

Eternal View

I also tend to take a more eternal view than most people, recalling that “nothing matters very much and very few things matter at all”.  I generally use the question of whether I would care about something if I was on my deathbed to determine whether or not it is important or not.  Using that criterion, together with meditation and contemplation, I find that the vast majority of things that occupy my mind make no difference, in an eternal sense.  Things that do seem to make a difference, in an eternal sense, include love, connection and relationships.  It is growth and development in these areas that trumps more earthly concerns.
I should make it clear that, on the one hand, I know the eternal view to be true, and on the other hand, I still get caught up in the frustrations of daily living.  For example, I can get very frustrated over the limitations imposed by my disability (earthly view),  rather than realize the tremendous growth in love, connection and relationships my disability has resulted in (eternal view).  This dichotomy/conflict is both wonderful (eternal) and disturbing (earthly) at the same time!

Connection to God

Another difference between my experience or knowledge and that of others is knowing that we each have a soul or essence connection with God and the God place that is a lot wiser than a walking around human.  When I say an essence or soul connection, what I mean is that each of us have a seed within us that is connected in some way to the essence or soul, which is, in  turn, connected to the absolute or God place.  That connection is usually largely unconscious, but we can access it, as have myself and many others, and make it conscious through activities like prayer, contemplation, meditation or simply walking in the woods.  Having made that connection has certainly changed my attitude and behaviors.

Nurturing the Small Quiet Voice

One of the ways that my beliefs and experiences differ from many people is the idea of being born in sin or that we humans are inherently bad or aggressive or have something to overcome, in order to be decent people.  That is not my personal experience nor have I found that to be true in any of the numerous people that I have worked with.  What I have experienced and found is that we each have two parts or facets: one is based on fear/hurt/anger and tends toward aggression, while the other is based on love/understanding/ compassion and tends toward gentleness and peace.  We each face a minute by minute choice of which path or choice to follow, the easiest is usually fear, the one that feels strongest and right is usually love.
While working with someone and within myself, I tend to nurture and support the love/ understanding/compassion side. Generally, that part starts out as “that small, quiet voice” within.  My experience is that it is always there and gets stronger as we listen to it and act on it.  My experience is that we humans actually want to act according to that voice, it feels better to do so.  Many aspects of our culture support the fear/hurt/anger part, so I avoid those aspects.