Using Intuition

At this point, I rely very heavily on my own intuition to guide my actions.  Basically, when approaching any action I get a “quiet” feeling inside that says “go ahead”.  I, now, trust the feeling as long as it is other-directed since, as Mac, a previous mentor used to say “intuition sees the whole picture”.  I have had to be careful in developing this trust, checking often with other, trusted individuals in considering the various options/actions.
In cases where the actions or thoughts are self-directed, I do not trust my intuition since it is usually clouded by my own ego and I rely more on the three questions (would I do this in front of God, is my name really on it, will this increase the integrity of the universe).  Out of those three questions, the most frequently prominent is “will this increase the integrity of the universe”, in other words, “is this the loving thing to do”.
On the occasions that I get a twisted feeling inside, I do not take the action.

Simple Truths

The truths that I now know and live by, which have also been known by many others for centuries, are both very simple and profoundly difficult at the same time.  The truths like knowing that we are all one with each other and the force called God or that love is the eternal fact that we are all learning about or truely sensing the overwhelming peace and serenity of “I am”, all require negating and looking past what we have been taught in this culture.
In my case, I knew that there was something I was missing and I listened to the words of many teachers.  They could only point the direction for what I wanted to know and, using a lot of discipline and meditation, I came to know the same things.  I now point the way for others and continue to “discover” what has always been there.  I now am relatively comfortable with “being lost in a trackless desert” and being open to discarding old ideas.  Time to meditate!

Allowing

For my first time, I live in a neighborhood with a Home Owners Association (HOA) and tonight I was reading through their bylaws in order to learn what I needed to do in order to comply.  Two things of note come to mind for me.  The first is that I do not like the sense of being told what to do, being controlled.  However, I understand the utility of their rules and willingly submit, especially since the factors they talk about mean little to me.  The second thing of note to me is that they place value on things that mean nothing, things like superficial appearance rather than attempting to promote connectedness and creativity.  Personally. I am not certain that it is possible to produce rules that promote things like connectedness, love and creativity but it is possible to support and allow them.

Connection

For the last several days I have been struck by the level of hunger or longing of the various people I have encountered for some sort of strong, bias-free connection with a “higher power” or God.  The kind of connection that various mystics and spiritual leaders have been talking about and experiencing for centuries.  Knowing that we are all connected and that each of us has a direct connection with that force called God.  Knowing that we are all perfect within our individual imperfections, and that love is the eternal truth which we are all growing towards.
The various religions provide some guidance toward making that connection, but there is generally a bias, which people tire of and then tend to drift away from the spiritual.  Unfortunately, this culture still places emphasis on the importance of the material rather than the spiritual.  There are also many people, like myself, who know of and talk about the importance of that connection.  I also love helping others connect.

Receptive Allowing

Today I facilitated and participated in a great deal of empathic, loving listening, presence and healing.  I was reminded of the comments by Claremont deCastillejo in Knowing Woman, “In those rare moments when all the opposites meet within a man, good and also evil, light and also darkness, spirit and also body, brain and also heart, masculine focused consciousness and at the same time feminine diffuse awareness, wisdom of maturity and childlike wonder; when all are allowed and none displaces any other in the mind of a man, then that man, though he may utter no word is in an attitude of prayer.  Whether he knows it or not his own receptive allowing will affect all those around him; rain will fall on the parched fields, and tears will turn bitter grief to flowering sorrow, while stricken children dry their eyes and laugh." It was wonderful and very meaningful for me to be a part of that sort of healing today.

Attachment & Letting Go

The process of moving has been a real eye opener for me in terms of attachments.  I fully recognize that any attachments result in my being a less free and able to just keep flowing within the river of life.  We had been at the previous location for twenty years and had our sweat lodges for fifteen.  When it came time to move, on a conscious level, I knew it was time to move on and that we would, in fact, lose nothing.  However, the move also stirred me up and was difficult for me, part of me wanted to hold on to things as they were.
Another aspect of the move was/is that it is a time for us to divest ourselves of unneeded objects.  I come from a family that never got rid of anything, they would simply put it in storage and keep it, thus avoiding some of the painful part of letting go.  When I encounter things I no longer need, I initially think thoughts like “that belonged to my mother!” or “that is valuable!” or “most people would not appreciate that!”, rather than simply letting them go and moving on, which is what I do, eventually.  I feel a greater sense of freedom when I can appreciate and enjoy the items at the time, and then let them go.

What Matters

We had our monthly men’s group tonight, which was very enjoyable, a period of deep introspection coupled with strong connection.  During the meeting, when it was my turn, I shared that I really enjoyed my life and had no concerning issues.  The response of the group was a mixture of admiration, wonderment and questioning.  One person even commented, questioningly “so, your life is perfect” to which I responded “no” since I am getting older, disabled, have a speech impediment and am in some degree of pain much of the time.  The simple fact, that I realized more strongly at that time, is that the challenges that stem from my physical body mean nothing other than a minor inconvenience to me.  Those transient physical challenges have little impact on the eternal “I am”, which is where my focus is.

Connecting With Life

A wonderful day of connecting with a variety of living things; plants, birds and people.  I sensed that the trees in our new back-yard were wanting to connect with me, so I went out to be with them for a while.  I walked around the yard to each of them, acknowledging what fine specimens they each were and allowed them to enfold me in their own nurturing and scents.  The experience was an enjoyable period of connection and presence.  I then experienced a similar connection with the birds, particularly the cobalt blue and black Stellar Jays.
I also experienced a more normal, loving and strong connection with Maria and a client.  With each of them I was able to clear away my own concerns, focus on them, be present and employed deep listening.

Life Is Good

Tonight, immediately after a recovery meeting, I was hugging a woman who I know well, and who is currently having an emotionally difficult time.  As I was hugging her I commented that “life is good.........sometimes we just don’t know it yet”.  This particular woman used to be a rager, and is now very empathic, compassionate, understanding and loving.  Similar to my own situation and progression, she made that transition, in part, due to emotionally difficult times, times that were very unpleasant but, ultimately, that had a beneficial effect.
Today, having gone through the recent move, I feel a lot of gratitude for who I am and the fact that I have enough of everything.  Being “lost in a trackless desert” is just right, for now.  Meaning, I have no clue why, but it feels right to be here in this new house within Flagstaff.  There was a strong sense of the move being divinely guided and I cooperated by doing the next right thing.

Following A Spiritual Path

A quiet day of unpacking and learning to fit in to our new place, which is in-town, decidedly mainstream (we are not!) and a bit more than half the size of our previous dwelling.  I did not interact/connect with anyone other than Maria today, very nice.  Both of us are wondering where this transition will lead us.  We just know that the move feels right.  As T. Green, S.J. points out, leading a life of prayer is like “being lost in a trackless desert”.  I simply go and do where I am directed.  Understanding is not required.