Remembering Love & Health

I went to the doctor again today, in order to complete some more testing.  This particular testing was for lung function, and, as usually happens, the result was that I was a bit better than average, for my age.  Another result that usually happens is that I allowed the fear approach of allopathic medicine to creep into my life.  I begin to question my health and what I am doing with my life.  Like I said a couple of days ago “I am fickle and easily influenced”.  As M. Williamson says “Love is what we were born with. Fear is what we have learned here. The spiritual journey is the relinquishment—or unlearning—of fear and the acceptance of love back into our hearts.

Unconditional Acceptance

Today, I made some people very uncomfortable by questioning what they were doing or not doing to advance themselves emotionally and spiritually, the “afflicting the comfortable” part of my role.  They were choosing to not do the simple things that would help themselves, but also activities that required some discipline.  One of the points I made is that their lack of action in no way affected my warm feelings or lack of judgment toward them, something I was taught through God’s unconditional acceptance of me.  Another point that I made was that it was normal and seemed easiest to not take the actions which took discipline and work to do.

Adding To The Love

The amount of power that I have, in terms of influencing others, scares me.  My role is simple, but not easy.  As I said yesterday my role is to remain open and write things down with as little bias as possible.  Meaning, to be aware and screen out ego and subjective bias as much as possible.  I also attempt to live according to the same concepts of love, acceptance and connectedness.  It impresses me that if I carry and broadcast these concepts, my presence influences those who I contact, and then they pass it on.  It feels vital and important to have a positive role and to add to the love in the world.

Not Responsible For Outcomes

A day of rest & relaxation, very nice.  I went to a movie, went to a recovery meeting, took a nap, did some cooking, watched the birds at the feeders and did some weeding of the yard.
I am in the process of writing a book, based on my journal entries converted into suggestions of attitudes & behaviors that a person could adopt for a more peaceful and aware life, while also adding to the amount of love in the universe.  It is a very intense process, involving a lot of connection and guidance from the power or force I call God.  My job seems to be simply remaining open and writing things down with as little bias as possible.  I have no idea where this will lead or if anyone will ever read what I write and that seems to matter not at all.  What matters is that I do my part, the rest is not my responsibility.

Tendency To Worry

Two days ago I spoke of going to the doctor and being influenced by her attitudes and comments, causing me to worry about possible future problems, very real possibilities but no real reason to worry.  The same sort of thing happens when I listen to the news or read the paper.  I begin to worry about things that are either out of my control, none of my business or may never happen.  I prefer to think and feel that “the universe is unfolding as it should”, but I am fickle and easily influenced.  I prefer to live in peace and love, dealing with reality as it happens.  On the other hand, news reports, TV and newspapers are frequently designed to enhance the drama and, often, cause a person to worry.

Uncertainty

One of the expressions which I hear in my recovery meetings is “when one door closes, another one opens, but it’s hell in the hallway”.  The expression means that the process of growth & change in recovery involves moving from one set of activities or ideas to another set, but the uncertainty of the period of tine in between the activities (doors) is unpleasant.  To me, at present, it feels like I am permanently in the hallway   Everything feels transient, uncertain and I do not feel attached to anything.  The hallway also feels true, free and I enjoy it.

Different Approaches

Yesterday I went to see the MD I go to.  She views herself as holistic and she is, relative to most MDs.   I am struck by the fact that she is fear based with respect to health matters.  For example she feels she should monitor any of my deterioration, possibility of diabetes, loss of bone density with age or signs of C.O.P.D., in case they happen.  My emphasis is on health and healing, embracing my health as it is, doing everything I can to stay healthy and dealing with what is.  On the one hand, I appreciate her thoroughness, which is why I go to her.  On the other hand, when I go to her, I also start to worry about possible problems, which does not contribute to my sense lf well being.

Difficult Day

Yesterday did not go according to my plans and I felt a bit confused and clouded much of the day.  I just kept listening or being attentive to any indication of the best action to take, and then acted accordingly.  To me, that sort of day is a very good indicator of my spiritual condition.  On the one hand I could get increasingly uncomfortable, even angry if I attach to the outcome(s) I had planned on.  I could also keep a “go with the flow” attitude, just accept whatever happens and be relatively serene even in the midst of chaos.  I used to do the former, now the latter is my choice.  Neither has any impact on what actually happens but the latter feels a lot better.

Gaining Clarity

Having cancelled the men’s group for tonight, I take note of how hard it is for me to be objective concerning things I care about, such as the group and its members.  When I sit to meditate on potential actions such as cancelling the group, it works best for me to clear my mind of all preferences, prior to deciding what to do.  I can then be open to what seems “right”.  Any emotional attachment makes that process lengthy and quite difficult to arrive at any sort of conclusion.  In this case, as usual, I felt good about my decision after I had made it, but not before.  Though I had an inkling of what to do, I still felt slightly clouded before my decision.

Importance Of Relationships

For the last several days, I have been noticing how much I value relationships, especially in comparison to other possible activities.  When I went to a movie the other day, the highlight was a brief encounter with a friend I have not seen for a while.  During my initial attendance in recovery meetings I tend to feel a lot of loving connection with old and new friends.  When I see my wife during the day, I feel a lot of gratitude.  In each case I feel a flood of loving connection. This is a marked contrast with the isolated, hurt, angry, intellectual person I was, some years ago.