Sorting Time

A day of relaxation and sorting.  I did some exercising, went to a movie and did some computer work, but mainly I did a lot of meditation and contemplation, just siting and sorting.  My main focus during sorting is asking myself if my recent actions were in harmony with the three questions I use; 1) would I do this in front of God, 2) is it really my responsibility, 3) will this increase the integrity of the universe.  I just go through my recent actions and decide what future actions I need to take, based on the questions, using a loving approach, rather than guilt, shame and fear.  In the past, I would emotionally hammer myself with guilt, shame and fear and there still are whispers of that, a small amount of that tendency still exists.  For the most part, I just ask myself, fondly, if there is anything I would like to do differently or in addition.

Not In Charge

I was reading an account of a dream I had a little over a year ago in which I, symbolically, go through a variety of life stages and finally get to a stage of being totally lost in a wilderness area, a symbolic statement of how I felt emotionally and spiritually.  In the dream, I was only minimally uncomfortable with being lost.  The main difference between then and now, is that now I am totally comfortable with being lost.  I am clearly not in charge of where my own life is going.  I am in charge of the actions I take today, my next step.  As I said to Maria tonight “I know we own our house, but I feel like it is a rental”, a valid statement for the rest of my life as well..

Embracing Qualities

We exist within a world of dualities like pain versus pleasure, young versus old, pleasant versus unpleasant and we tend to place a higher value on one side over the other.  That bias feels shortsighted to me.  The fact is that both sides of any duality are equally valuable parts of the whole and each side contributes equally to the life process.  I find it best to embrace both sides, while usually enjoying one more than the other.

Looking At All Sides

I attended a gathering today where a great deal of time was spent expounding on the positive changes a person experiences during recovery and there was no mention of the difficulties, pain or struggle frequently involved in the process.  The bias was not surprising, is pretty common, but also felt a bit dishonest.  Both sides are a valuable part of the recovery process.  I prefer looking at and embracing the whole picture, rather than only talking about the pleasant aspects.

Guidance & Support

As I said during my recovery meeting today, the power of love or God has saved my life at least three times; once overcoming drugs, once overcoming alcohol and three times dealing with my disability.  Given that, I have no trouble in turning my life and will over to that power and I would be foolish to not acknowledge that there is something there.  As I said in a later meeting, I have also been given the necessary guidance and support to help me survive and thrive with those challenges.  I now spend a portion of each day, asking for continued support and guidance.

Passing It On

This evening I had an opportunity to pass on what I have been given to a woman who is having a lot of pain and physical issues.  For the past several years, I have had a very difficult physical path with a lot of pain, fear and suffering.  Ultimately, dealing with the pain, fear and suffering has made me a great deal emotionally and spiritually stronger.  My journey has led me to know more about the power of love and God, especially since the medical community could not help me.  My passing on the gifts I have been given is an important part of continued recovery.

Unity & Love

The recovery meeting I attended today was about group unity and love, a subject that has been very important for my survival. Back in ‘84, a recovering alcoholic took the time to talk to me and express his caring about me, which I thought strange but took advantage of.  At that point I was isolated from any personal human connection, including my wife.  I suspect the connection I made with him saved my life and I now enjoy connections daily.  An important part of my own recovery process is pass on what I have been given and support group unity.

Taking The Next Step

Today I sent in my article on “The Importance of Connection” to the columnist at the Sun paper, for publication.  That felt like a big and concrete step for me.  Sending in the article is a strong statement of affirmation that my experiences and understandings are important enough to publish, that, in fact, other people may benefit.  That sort of affirmation is difficult for me but I recognize it as a necessary step in becoming the person I wish to be.  It is also an important step in my promoting change.

Love Versus Fear

Viewing the events of the world from an attitude of love, peace and well being versus an attitude of fear and apprehension usually does not change those events, but it certainly impacts the way I feel about them.  I generally take the view that “the universe is unfolding as it should”, noticing but tending not to be very disturbed by whatever is happening, an approach I lose if I listen to the news very much.  That being said, there are still several things that I wish were different so I do what I can and let go of the rest.

Connection

In a group I was leading today, we were talking about the importance of connecting with each other and the topic of introductory small talk came up.  Several people use, what I consider meaningless banter, when first meeting someone.  They are good at being social and I am not.  I am successful at keeping initial conversations relatively superficial and light but not meaningless and usually not conventional and a bit of a challenge.  I tend to stay clear of topics like the weather, sports, TV shows or jobs in favor of more personal topics, like personal interests or family.   I also tend to go into deeper personal topics pretty quickly, if the other person is willing.  I much prefer making a genuine connection.