Understanding Is Not Required

I have learned and I know a lot of things, partly through my own observations, partly through my reading, partly through meditation and partly through my mystical connection.  The more I learn, the more I realize that I know next to nothing: as deCastillejo says “faced with the mystery of life and death we know almost nothing”.  This morning several people brought up the apparent tragedies of life, things like deaths, abuse or destruction, things that most people assume to be “bad”, since they are unpleasant.  People ask “how do these things fit within love”.  My sense is that they do fit and that we simply do not understand.

Balance

I lead a relatively active life and am involved in many activities, including leisure, voluntary service, recovery activities and paid work.  I am extremely grateful to be able to participate in all of that, in spite of the very real limitations placed on me by my disability.  I also need to recognize and live within those limitations, a constant balancing act.  There are things that I do daily to minimize those limitations, like watching my diet, keeping my weight low and regular exercise.  Balancing all of that leads to a very fulfilling life.

Detachment

Right now, toward the end of this day, I feel lost and confused, not quite in harmony with life, a bit out-of-synch.  The feeling seems to be part of being in the open ocean of life, unattached to things and “lost in a trackless desert”.  Meaning, the feeling is natural since there is nothing to hold on to.  Usually, I enjoy the feeling, realizing that everything is as it should be,  having faith and being immersed in love.  I think it’s time to meditate on that.

Conscious Contact

I get up in the middle of the night, generally between midnight and two AM, because that is the time of the day when I experience my greatest connection with God.  As Walsch says in  Communion with God; “I have told you many times, and I tell you here again: You will find Me in the stillness.”  I cannot say that I understand why that works for me, but I also do not question it.  I experience something similar when performing sacred ceremonies during the day, in various natural settings.

Growth & Change

We had our monthly men’s meeting tonight and, within that group, it struck me how much fear and doubt hold us back from growth and change, while love and connection promote them.  Within the group there were several examples of how feelings like doubt, fear, shame or low self-image result in holding people back from being all they wanted to become.  On the other hand, I was impressed by the changes and growth by some of the members, in part, due to the love and connection in that group.

Mixed Blessing

Recently, I have been very aware that everything I do; walking, swallowing, chewing, speaking, etc., requires considerable focus in order to complete te task at hand.  If that focus is broken by any sort of distraction, disastrous results like biting myself or tripping, often happen.  It’s a very Zen-like condition that keeps me very much in the present.  It occurs to me that my condition, brought on by my disability, is just a more acute condition than that which others face.  To me, the final message is that my disability is a mixed blessing, if I choose to look at it that way.

Not In Charge

I commented to Maria tonight that I thought that we would move again and she asked where and I replied that I did not know.  The fact is that I am totally dependent on my connection with the power I know as God or love, meaning that I am not in charge of what I do or where I go.  I am good with that and don’t want it any other way.  As a result, I stay in the present and act out of love.  I have a wonderful life that I am not in charge of.  I ask for guidance and support each morning and do my best to act out of love each day.

Gratitude For Recovery

I celebrated thirty years in recovery today by doing all of the things I usually do, connecting with a family in the early stages of recovery and going out to dinner.  I have learned and grown over the last thirty years and I am extremely grateful.  I am also grateful for my physical health, such as it is, and numerous other aspects of my life.  The biggest things I notice are the huge impact of love and spirituality on my life; emotionally, spiritually and physically.

Impact of Fear

Today, while working with a client, I was reminded of a comment by Michael Newton, that “Pain in life is especially insidious because it can block the healing power of our souls, especially if we have not accepted what is happening to us as a preordained trial.”  In my experience, if we focus on fear, pain or hurt, it makes it extremely difficult or impossible to be present and have faith that “the universe is unfolding as it should”.  If we focus on fear, all we can think of are the dire consequences that are about to happen.  The fear is very compelling but acting on it, or believing in it can block the process of growth in love and faith.

Limitations

This was another day of connecting, compassion and listening.  However, I was dealing with angry, oppositional and opinionated people for six hours.  Meaning, I pushed my limits.  I managed to stay present and performed well, but I was very tired at the end of the day.  I can push my limits once in a while, without harm.  However, it is important for me to recognize my limits and stay within them.  Rest, solitude, food & water are called for.