Balance

My disability and pain level (from biting my cheek and tongue) were bothering me today.  Nothing has changed, other than my attitude.  I was just feeling sad and I chose to just feel it, talk about it and let it pass.  I have found that dwelling on any unpleasant sensation can be unhealthy and result in its perpetuation, while simply acknowledging it and letting it pass, works for me.  As with many things, it is a balance.

Increasing Love & Peace

For today, I no longer feel the fear associated with the coming publication of my book.  I do feel a sense of awe that I was led to write the words I did and I also feel a strong desire to increase the amount of love, respect and peace in the world.  That love is a central focus of the book, though I am also aware that some people will use/twist my words for selfish purposes.  That selfishness is driven by fears of various sorts and seems to be part of the human condition.

Daily Actions

I am having difficulties in my dealings with the Arizona Corporation Commission (ACC).  They want me to attend to the correct filing of my annual report and I gather that in my attempt to do so, I omitted some detail.  I must admit that I consider the correct filing of my annual report to be trivial.  They do not agree.  I need to remember that I am the one who is out of step, and then just comply.  Using the three questions (Would I do this in front of God?; Is it really my responsibility?; Will this increase the integrity of the universe), it is clear that I should simply do my best to comply.

Gratitude

This has been a long day, beginning with an hour of service work, then a recovery meeting, several hours of working with others and ending with preparing dinner.  All in all, life is a wonder to behold and it also makes me tired.  As always, I spent a large part of the day connecting with other alcoholic/addicts, a wonderful experience.

Passion

I find that I have very mixed feelings about my book.  There is the fear I spoke of yesterday.  I am also impressed and proud that I actually wrote it.  There is a feeling of extreme gratitude about having the attitudes and experiences expressed in the book.  Finally there is a hope that my little book will help people move a little closer to having love, oneness and connectedness be the driving force in their lives.  I cry when I read through it.

Felling the Feelings

I received the page proofs for the book I wrote today.  The book is titled Three Simple Questions and on one hand the proofs look good.  On the other hand, receiving the proofs threw me into fear, once again.  The fear is about the possible consequences of putting myself “out there” so blatantly.  I am experiencing lots of fantasy and ridiculous projection.  It appears to be time to feel the feelings and let them pass!

More on Empty Fullness

I am relatively detached from worldly events, though I still feel their pull fairly often, and realize that the pull is irrelevant.  I tend to see worldly events, even those that appear to be tragic, as contributing to the love in the world, in an eternal sense.  My view is not really optimistic since I am not thinking of the avoidance of tragedy.  In fact, I tend to expect tragedy and hard times to occur.  I do see those events as how we grow and that those events move us closer to love.  My view reflects what I refer to as the “empty fullness” of life on this planet, a decidedly different view.

Humility

The topic in tonight’s recovery meeting was “humility”, which is an important objective for me to keep in mind.  I do fairly well with maintaining humility, but not without almost daily effort.  I can certainly start thinking and feeling that I am “advanced” and know guidelines that would help others, an almost manic feeling.  The problem is that if I indulge in that thought or feeling, I immediately lose the balance I spoke of yesterday.  I also lose my ability to listen to others and connect with them.

Balance 2

I strive for the balance that deCastillejo talked about in her book Knowing Woman; “good and also evil, light and also darkness, spirit and also body, brain and also heart, masculine focused consciousness and at the same time feminine diffuse awareness, wisdom of maturity and childlike wonder”.  I also have to keep the endless efforts of my ego to assert itself at bay, if I am to take this approach.  Overall, this approach makes a genuine connection, followed by healing and growth much more possible.

More on Diffuse Awareness

Once again today I have been reflecting on what I call “diffuse awareness”, which is important to me since it leads me to things like love, faith & God.  As I said a couple of days ago “Masculine focused consciousness by itself can be dry, unimaginative and lifeless”, which used to be me.  As a budding scientist I realized, intuitively, that something was missing.  I realized that by itself the scientific approach was wonderful but also incomplete and limited.  Since then, I have been exploring and developing my intuitive, loving and feeling side.