Fears Versus Love

It is my understanding that, to some degree, fear is a normal part of the human condition.  We seem to have some choice in how to deal with that fear.  In my case, I have some fears over many of the things that I do or say.  Frequently those fears revolve around the possibility of being misunderstood or what people will think of me.  I simply feel the fears, let them pass and attempt to act out of love not fear.  To me, fear feels murky or cloudy, while love feels clear.  Meditation helps me arrive at clarity.

Presence

We went to Wapatki today, a place of ruins and high desert.  While there we meditated, did a ceremony, smoked the pipe and I could feel the presence and power of God, love and the spirits.  As I told Maria, it is doing that sort of thing when I feel most at home.  There was little talk and no distraction of any kind - just presence and connection, good feelings.  In order for me to appreciate such things, it has been necessary for me to wade through my own brain chatter and give up many distractions.

Letting Your Light Shine

Many years ago, I set as my goal, to change the world, an ambitious goal.  Since then I have realized that in order to accomplish that goal, I needed to maximize and realize my own potential, a task that I am not good at.  I have realized the truth in what Williamson wrote; "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.  Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.  It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.”  She goes on to say that “We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.”  I have found the process to be difficult.  I find that I am most comfortable holding myself back some and keeping a low profile.

Getting to the Love

This has been an extremely intense, difficult, tiring and wonderful day.  I spent most of the day connecting with families of people recovering from years of addiction to drugs.  As I mentioned to them, that sort of recovery requires very firm boundaries, mixed with compassion and love, a difficult combination.  In order to get to the love, we have to first get the hurt and anger out, which tends to be very difficult, for everyone.  All in all, the day was very fulfilling.

Boundaries

For the last several days there have been people attempting to draw me into their own drama by suggesting that I perform various actions like trying to influence others on their behalf.  When I say “no”, they get aggravated.   For me, part of making a loving connection with others is also having firm boundaries.  If I enter into someone else’s drama it adds to my own stress, and prevents them from taking full responsibility.  I realize that I am depriving them of a chance to grow.

Self-care

After a day, like yesterday, of feeling negative and being open about it, rather than maintaining that I feel good all the time, I feel pretty good.  My pattern used to be that I would keep my feelings to myself, just bury them inside.  The result seemed to be a low level of anger and discomfort.  Being open about my feelings is a good example of self-care and self-love.  Along with the other things that I do to care for myself, being open helps keep me balanced, which, in turn, allows me to be of service to others.

Balance

My disability and pain level (from biting my cheek and tongue) were bothering me today.  Nothing has changed, other than my attitude.  I was just feeling sad and I chose to just feel it, talk about it and let it pass.  I have found that dwelling on any unpleasant sensation can be unhealthy and result in its perpetuation, while simply acknowledging it and letting it pass, works for me.  As with many things, it is a balance.

Increasing Love & Peace

For today, I no longer feel the fear associated with the coming publication of my book.  I do feel a sense of awe that I was led to write the words I did and I also feel a strong desire to increase the amount of love, respect and peace in the world.  That love is a central focus of the book, though I am also aware that some people will use/twist my words for selfish purposes.  That selfishness is driven by fears of various sorts and seems to be part of the human condition.

Daily Actions

I am having difficulties in my dealings with the Arizona Corporation Commission (ACC).  They want me to attend to the correct filing of my annual report and I gather that in my attempt to do so, I omitted some detail.  I must admit that I consider the correct filing of my annual report to be trivial.  They do not agree.  I need to remember that I am the one who is out of step, and then just comply.  Using the three questions (Would I do this in front of God?; Is it really my responsibility?; Will this increase the integrity of the universe), it is clear that I should simply do my best to comply.

Gratitude

This has been a long day, beginning with an hour of service work, then a recovery meeting, several hours of working with others and ending with preparing dinner.  All in all, life is a wonder to behold and it also makes me tired.  As always, I spent a large part of the day connecting with other alcoholic/addicts, a wonderful experience.