Change

My body seems to know that changes are approaching in my life.  My body feels like it is standing on shifting sands, a feeling that could be exciting but right now I just feel uneasy.  I suspect that my unconscious mind knows what is going on, while my conscious mind does not.  I have attempted to find out through meditation and I do get the sense that my book is at the center of the change, but other than that I just get a strong feeling that the “universe is unfolding as it should”, a very reassuring feeling.

Maintaining Resolve

In my recovery meeting tonight the question came up of how we maintain our resolve or intent.  I realized that my main tool for maintaining my resolve is that I don’t participate in behaviors that pull me away or compromise that resolve.  I lead a very spiritually focused life of peace, love, connectedness and compassion, which I really like.  I can’t say that I resolve or have resolved to lead that sort of life, I just realize what I need to do and then do it.  Meaning I stay detached from unnecessary personal drama, choose to not own a TV or listen to much radio and practice a lot of prayer and meditation.

Gratitude

This morning I was walking from my car to the Sunday morning Friend’s (Quaker) meeting and I paused to feel the light cool fall breeze, smell the Fern bush and feel the warm Flagstaff (7,000 ft. altitude) sun.  I felt a lot of gratitude for the moment.  It’s not that I do not have physical challenges, I do, but even they could be and have been a lot worse.  It has been a quiet day of gratitude, paying a few bills, exercise, cooking and interacting with others, primarily, Maria, my wife.

Self-care

  For some reason, which I am still not totally clear of, I felt off kilter or off balance for much of the day today.  Nothing particular happened to throw me off, though I have been stirred up over the requirements of book promotion lately.  For today my response was to have a lot of alone time in order to meditate and sort things out.  I noted some tendency to find a distraction like facebook so that I did not have to simply feel the discomfort.  Self-care requires that I be present for myself.

Reality 2

I keep getting an image from yesterday’s predator-prey interactions.  The image is of a beautiful female cooper’s hawk watching as a very handsome raven devours her prey, a pigeon.  I am reminded of a comment by Melody Beattie, that "It's about swallowing pride and fear and having the guts and the tenacity to have faith when we've been stripped of naivete and shaken to the core---and when we know too well that life isn't just mysterious and unpredictable, it can be unbearably cruel and breathtakingly wondrous, sometimes at the same time."  Life is very real, beautiful and harsh.

Reality

Today was a very intriguing and engrossing day, which I am not done processing.  There were the regular events like connecting and interacting with clients and others.  I also performed several activities around the promotion of my book.  However, what really got my attention happened in my backyard around my bird feeder.  I was watching a group of pigeons when a male cooper’s hawk swooped in and took one of the pigeons.  While he was devouring the pigeon the neighbor’s cat chased him away in an effort to take the pigeon.  I had noticed a pile of feathers the previous day and assumed that cat had gotten a pigeon, but now I suspect it was actually a hawk.  At any rate, I chased the cat away and the hawk returned to finish its prey.  Later on in the day a female cooper’s took another pigeon which was subsequently taken from her by a raven, while I just observed.  Two major lessons from today were not to rely on assumptions and that life on earth can be brutal.  I spend a lot of very pleasant time each day wrapped in feelings of love.  I also need to realize that life on earth can be harsh.

Act Out of Love & Have Faith

Today I found myself saying “It’s best to know you are not in charge.  Just do your best and let go of the outcome”, words I need to listen to.  My mission (should I wish to accept it!) is to act out of love, do my best and have faith - pretty simple, but difficult to keep in mind.  I do better than many, but still get lost in the chaos of worldly events, on occasion.  Today was one of those days.

Being Authentic

Within the dining area in my kitchen are some chairs and a table, each made lovingly and respectfully of various woods selected for uses according to their individual characteristics.  The parts that require strength are made of hickory and oak, while the seat and upper flat part of the back are made of tulip poplar, a softer wood.  The table and chairs, like much of our other furniture, are hand-crafted and a bit less than two hundred years old.  I purchased them because they were cheap, in need of rehabilitation, but authentic.  We also have some modern pieces made of wood with love and respect, but not cheap.  All are simple, humble, honest and authentic, qualities I strive for.

The Dark Side

While working with others I frequently end up talking to them about their dark sides and the destructive and sometimes dangerous things they have done in the past due to that darkness.  I also frequently admonish them that, though they need not act on it, it will always be there.  In my case, yesterday, I was likened to an “old dog” because a person can treat me poorly and I will still love them, totally true.  For years now, I have acted in a loving way and that behavior is completely genuine.  Today, as a matter of self-awareness, I checked inside myself to see if my destructive anger and rage was still there and it is.  My darkness is also still terrifying and I wish it weren’t there.  I don’t even like writing about it.  Which side “wins” really is determined by the wolf you feed.  I prefer to feed the loving part of me.

Connection

I was the main speaker at my recovery meeting this morning, an activity that still makes me very nervous after all these years of doing it.  I volunteered to speak because I was stirred up by the need to promote my book and I have learned to speak up when something bothers me, though part of me still wants to do the opposite.  I spoke of the need to work a very broad based recovery program and emphasized the importance of unconditional love.  Speaking very definitely took the power out of my being stirred up - it now just seems sort of silly.