Retreat

Today and tonight I am making some last minute preparations for the spiritual retreat I will be leading for the next four days. The location is a small, simple house next to the Sea of Cortez in Mexico. It will be an intense period and a lot of work, but also exhilarating at times. I particularly enjoy being and meditating by the ocean during the hours around dawn - a sacred time for me.

Life

I just found out that my older sister is in the hospital, in intensive care, in a coma and under life support. They are doing tests to determine brain function and the doctors do not expect her to live. We are not very close but there is a definite love bond there and she is the last living member of my family, other than myself. Using the love-based side of myself (peace, connectedness, abundance and inclusiveness), which I mentioned yesterday, I experience and am open to the feelings of grief while also knowing that "the universe is unfolding as it should", meaning feeling good about life.

Choice

I have a choice between two very different sides to my personality or consciousness, either of which can motivate my daily actions. One side, which is largely fear-based, believes in things like anger, aggression, scarcity, separateness and competition. I spent many years operating out of that side and I am very aware of what that feels like and how true this side seems when living it. The other side, which is largely love based, believes things like peace, connectedness, abundance and inclusiveness. This side also feels quite true when living it and is much more enjoyable, less anxiety producing and more fulfilling.

Pain & Difficulties

Life is often difficult, a struggle or downright painful, as has been pointed out many times by various authors and spiritual leaders. I have certainly struggled and had some painful times. Taking a Buddhist approach, my efforts are to simply "be with" the pain or struggle, neither attaching to it like a badge of courage, trying to deny it or pushing it away. I am very much aware of the possibility mentioned by Newton that "Pain in life is especially insidious because it can block the healing power of our souls, especially if we have not accepted what is happening to us as a preordained trial." If I listen to what the pain is "telling" me and go where it is leading me, I generally end up with greater love, compassion and an improved spiritual connection. I make an effort to keep in mind that "Part of a spirit’s mission is to evolve through learning and growth. Some of this growth comes from the love, pain and physical experiences of the material world, which is why spirits incarnate into human form." (Anthony).

Change

Today I was very aware of the potential changes taking place in my life right now (where I live and what I do). It’s a strange time for me since Maria and I are preparing emotionally, but, in fact, nothing concrete has happened. We each feel it’s time to move on but we know nothing beyond that. In the past I have resisted change and continued with my life long past when it was time to move on. This time I am not doing that, so it feels awkward.

Inner Peace

The main reason I wrote my book is that I would like to see and be a part of a cultural shift away from material things and worldly success toward love and things of the spirit. I have found to be true what Williamson and many spiritual leaders have found, that "Love is the only absolute reality, which never changes and never dies. Dwelling in that which does not change, while things around us are changing all the time, is our key to inner peace." A belief in material things and worldly success leads to stress. I would like to see more of a sense of inner peace.

Understanding Is Not Required

In my recovery community, belief and reliance on a God of our own understanding is stressed, a flexibility that I understand and appreciate. I have a very close relationship and total reliance on a force or power I call God. However, I do not understand that power, cannot define it and I do not know its scope of influence and I am good with that. Part of my history is an extensive training in biological science on the way to gaining a Ph.D. During that training I learned that if I could name, define and understand some aspects of something, that understanding gave me a sense of control. I do not wish to impose that on my sense of God.

Perspective

Today I was very conscious of how important the three questions have been to my life and recovery (Would I do this in front of God {or whatever you call that power/force}?; Is my name really on it {or is it really my responsibility}?; Will this increase the integrity of the universe {or is this loving, love always increases the integrity of the universe}?). I really focus on them during my morning prayer & meditation and keep them in mind during my day to day activities. They have changed my life’s orientation and perspective away from many worldly concerns. The reason I made them the focus of my book (Three Simple Questions: Being in the World, But Not of It) is my hope it could change other lives similarly, leading to a greater sense of fulfillment.

Reality

Yesterday I mentioned the many gifts I have received and one of those gifts is to realize that we know very little about what is really going on as we go about our daily activities. I like the comment of Claremont deCastillejo when she wrote "Scientists discover and theologians affirm; but faced with the mystery of life and death we know almost nothing." It is clear to me that there are at least two levels of reality which impact and interact with each other, with or without our conscious awareness. One level is our day to day material, earthly, transient existence and the other is the eternal, spiritual, essence or soul based level. Everything we do and say each day impacts on our spirit side. In many cases we are like kids playing in a sandbox, relatively oblivious to what is really going on. That certainly describes the way I used to be and is one of the reasons that I now consciously choose to act out of love.

Difficulties & Gifts

As has often happened before, a friend approached me this morning to inquire how I was doing with a very caring and sincere "you poor man" attitude. I really do not feel like that, though I am certainly aware of my physical problems and the fact that doing pretty much anything is difficult for me. Her focus was on my obvious and very real problems and limitations. I certainly readily acknowledge the physical challenges & on a good day see them as a nuisance, while on a bad day I am very aware of the struggle. Most days my main focus is the many gifts I have received as a result of dealing with those difficulties. I am grateful for the gifts.