Dealing With Fears

I watch people dealing with their fear and insecurities in a variety of non-functional ways, usually while also not admitting the driving force. For example they can appear very erudite, using big words, work all the time, have a lot of money, always be active or talk loudly and a lot, all in an attempt to feel happy and cover up the fear and insecurity they feel. I refer to these responses as non-functional because they work minimally, for a short time or not at all. I recognize the pattern, in part, because I used to do the same. I was and they are simply doing the best they can and doing what the culture tells them what will make them feel better. At this point I readily admit my fears and insecurities. I also embrace and love them as a charming and sometimes silly part of my humanity. I then attempt to focus on love, peace, connection and eternity. My approach feels very real, present and fulfilling.

Worldly Concerns

It’s very easy for me to get "off the beam" spiritually, to start believing in the chaos, disorder, pain and fear of this world rather than the peace, love and connectedness of my God nature. Listening to the news, paying attention to Facebook or even attending to the chatter of the announcers during a ball game all tend to pull me toward trivial worldly concerns. Their "call" is loud, I don’t even have to believe in them. On the other hand sitting and quietly meditating or walking around this property blessing the plants as I go brings me back to the "I am" I wish to be. I would rather base my life on love and peace rather than fear and pain.

I am

My wife and I are staying with her mother in her home in MD while we look for a home of our own. The property is not densely wooded but has a number of large trees and several bushes, of a variety of species. Tonight, at my wife’s urging, I went out to bless the trees and bushes. Much to my surprise, I automatically went into a very powerful, connected and loving consciousness with the plants. I became the same person I become when doing a healing or during an intense therapeutic session, the person I think of as the "I am" part, the God part. I recall the comment by Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj; "Get to know that "I am" without words which arises in the morning. Knowing the Self, abiding in the Self-knowledge, is not a mere intellectual knowing. You must be that, and you should not move away from it. Remain firm." Staying in that place and being that person is a challenge for me.

Relaxing

Today I found myself getting angry at silly little things like the post office not forwarding our mail "correctly" or the computer not behaving the way I wanted, a clear sign that I was overly tired and needed more relaxing and sorting time. I need to realize that recent life events like this move or yesterday’s deciding on a house to buy, are big deals emotionally. I need to do things like going to recovery meetings and relaxing.

Prayer & Meditation

We made our initial offer on a house today and were assured by our realtor that it was a solid offer that the sellers will take seriously & then counter. In the end we had a choice between two very similar houses. One house was actually a bit larger, with a smaller lot and was recently fixed up to sell. The house was several thousands cheaper and the smaller lot size meant lower annual taxes. That house was also more stark and less soft and welcoming in ambience. The second house, and the one we chose, had more of a relaxing, welcoming, retreat atmosphere primarily because of its lot, trees and deck. The second house was more expensive but less fixed up and it was clear during last night’s meditation that it was worth the extra expense. We chose the less practical and more expensive option since it felt right to do so.

Being Of Service

Things seem to be coming together here, a good feeling. We now have two houses that we can afford and look like good choices. We have also found some stores with decent prices and the, mostly organic, food we like. Most important of all I am gaining some clarity about the need here for my message of spirituality, healing, love and connection. I have begun connecting with the people at a place in Columbia where I suspect that I will be able to present workshops in spiritual connection, a place where I can volunteer and be of service.

Connection

This was a day very similar to yesterday in terms of prayer and meditation, exercise, simply doing the next right thing and exploring a potential new house. I did not make it to a recovery meeting but instead went to the silent meditation of a Friend’s meeting. The main difference is that I was very aware of my intimate and firm connection to everything and everybody. That sense of connection gives my life a joyful depth and is part of the loving presence I call God. That sense was strongest with the plants and trees at that potential new house and then with the spirits and people at the Friend’s meeting. I am aware that joyful depth is missing from the lives of many people.

Enjoy The Present

It felt like a good day, a day of doing the next right thing and moving forward a bit. I did my prayer and meditation, exercised, did some driving on new roads, went to a recovery meeting and began exploring a potential new house. I am still impatient but also actively doing the next right thing. I was reminded to enjoy the process I am in right now, an important thing to remember. Being "lost in a trackless desert" is perfect for right now and there is a sense of peace in that.

Perseverance

I spent most of the last two days feeling anxious, hopeless and restless, feeling "lost in a trackless desert" and doing a lot of prayer, meditation and quiet contemplation. I would like the process of transition that I am in the midst of to be easy - it is not. It’s time to take action in becoming and establishing "Charlie" in MD. In the process of doing that I need to continue being surrendered and being of service. The process is summarized nicely by Thomas H. Green, S.J.; "The life of prayer is perhaps the most mysterious dimension of all human experience. We come to be at home with a God we cannot see. We discover that it is only by giving ourselves away totally that we truly come to possess ourselves, that we are most free when most surrendered. We begin to realize that light is darkness and darkness light. We become lost in a trackless desert — and then, if we persevere despite our disorientation, we begin to realize that it is only being lost, in losing ourselves, that we are found. The whole of our life and not just our prayer life, becomes a paradox, an apparent contradiction concealing and revealing a deeper truth, because we begin to realize that we must live as we pray." Simple, but not easy and, as I said a few days ago, I will persevere.

The Love or God Seed

This morning at the Friend’s meeting several people brought up families or individuals who were very angry, addicted to crystal meth, alcoholic or just had a very dysfunctional approach to life. At that time, I mentioned that I was a mental health therapists who worked with young, recovering addicts and that I had been successful in connecting with them through their God or love seed. I have also worked with very angry, dysfunctional people, many of whom were in jails. I have always been able to find and connect with their love or God seed, their good part. That part is always there. I can find that part if I approach them with love, understanding and compassion rather than judgment, criticism or condescension. Having connected with that part, it is then possible for them to look at alternative behaviors.