Paradox

I have been working on my next book today, a book based on the empty-fullness of life on this planet. The book will be based on the observation that as Beattie put it "life isn't just mysterious and unpredictable, it can be unbearably cruel and breathtakingly wondrous, sometimes at the same time." The book will be based on the paradox of life on this planet. A paradox that the pain and discomfort in my own life has driven me to become familiar with. I now see life as a beautiful process of growth in love, a profound shift in thinking, but then years ago I did ask to see things the way God does.

Balance

I continue to push forward as far as writing a query letter and getting a literary agent. Doing so still sounds and feels right amid the chaos of setting up my new life in Maryland. It’s engrossing to observe myself go from grandiose, overly confident thoughts to feeling worthless within a matter of a few minutes. The transition is not quite fun - but certainly entertaining. I realize that I am between the two extremes.

Self-care

Today, in addition to minor activities like ordering checks and paying bills, I closed on a house in Columbia MD. The actual closing was logistically simple and only took a few minutes. My tendency is to consider the process as being emotionally "not a big deal". However the tension in my neck and not sleeping well lead me to the realization that it was a big deal. I need to allow any emotions to come up, limit my other activities and get more rest. Basic self-care.

Taking Action

I have now written the central core of my query to literary agents and selected three agencies to target. The whole process is a blend of reading, listening to human advice and asking for spiritual guidance, all the time reflecting on the three questions that are the central focus of my book (would I do this in front of God, is it really my responsibility, will this increase the integrity of the universe). I don’t take any action until it feels right.

Harmony 2

Earlier today, on our way to getting more keys for our newish truck, I commented to Maria that I "just felt good", meaning enjoying harmony and being in the flow of life. I am reminded of the comment by Green S.J., that "if we persevere despite our disorientation, we begin to realize that it is only being lost, in losing ourselves, that we are found." This move has been difficult, no question. I am beginning to see an opening and feel some clarity - in the fog. For today I will take that and enjoy it.

Choice

This was another day when I felt harmonious and on track. It is a good idea for me to stay active and focus on things like gratitude and love. Alternatively I can focus on pain, limited physical capability and the physical discomfort of heat and humidity. Neither choice impacts on or changes reality. However the former feels a great deal better.

Harmony

Today felt harmonious, like everything was in order, from blessing the land and trees this morning to wiring the money for our new house to making deviled eggs (yum!) this afternoon. As I have mentioned in the past, I have been feeling lost, frustrated and in the midst of change. Today I was alright with the changing nature of everything. I have been reflecting on the comment by Walsch that "There is nothing scary about life, if you are not attached to the results". Very true. I have and continue to be attached to the way things were. It’s time to just enjoy the feeling of harmony.

My Humanity

I have been crafting a query letter to be sent out to potential literary agents in the hope of attracting one to represent and promote me and my writing. My letter is an attempt to convince them to take a chance on me, basically a one page letter promoting me and my writing. I do not do well with self-promotion. I have great difficulty in seeing my own gifts and unique abilities clearly. I also tend to get down on myself about my feelings of anger, frustration and impatience about my physical condition. I want to be better than I am and do not fully recognize how good that is! Being all too human comes to mind.

A Sacred Spot

This evening Maria and I attended a weekday meeting at the Sandy Springs Friend’s church and before the service we walked around the attached cemetery. While walking around the cemetery I felt drawn to a huge, very old, beautiful tulip poplar near the center. I felt the tree call to me, inviting me to be with it and, at the same time, Maria suggested I do the same. I went over and connected with the massive presence of the tree. My impression was that it had been watching over the cemetery, a sacred place, for a long time. The spot had been made sacred by the people and spirits who treated it as such, a valuable lesson for me.

Change 2

The most important activity today was to re-organize my computer files and get rid of most of the files I used for my previous career, very cathartic and meaningful. I do have to keep my client files for six years, but that is a separate issue. It felt important for me to do this in recognition of the change and I feel very good about it, sort of a symbolic rite of passage. I have also begun a query letter in my efforts to find a literary agent. I keep thinking of the comment by John C. Sawhill, that "To attain excellence, you must care more than others think wise, risk more than others think safe and dream more than others think practical".