Dealing with difficulties 2

After a period of some self-centered stewing about the negative aspects (too hot, too humid, mouth pain) of my current situation, I realized that I needed to pay attention to the words I said yesterday. Additionally, I needed to acknowledge my own difficulties while focusing on the needs of others. It also helps to be grateful for my gifts. That all sounds easy but I don’t find it so.

Dealing With Defects

My comments of two days ago about embracing my "defects" or the undesirable aspects of self came up again several times today. The source of that comment is that if I accept those parts of myself, admit them openly and apply a little gentle loving laughter when I spot them, they lose their power over me and can drift away like clouds in the sky. On the other hand if I fight them they are likely to get stronger and, at the very least, have power over me as I oppose them. Once I accept them, they become shadows of their former selves, or go away.

Being Human

Today I was very aware that I am not the person I would like to be. I am the inspiration and model for a goodly number of people and that is quite genuine. I freely and openly admit to my many less than loving thoughts and attraction to distractions of all sorts. I also get embroiled in day to day activities, thinking them to have some importance. These are all wonderful parts of being human - including the inspiration part. This is all part of being "Charlie" and a good part of why I write this blog rather than sequestering myself from life’s process. I embrace all I just spoke of.

Being at Peace

Today was a "taking care of business" kind of day and, as often happens during this sort of day, I note how easy it is to be pulled off of the spiritual, love-based path. I paid bills, took the car in to get it worked on and answered correspondence. I had to keep reminding myself and bringing myself back to feelings of love, peace, well-being and compassion, feelings I identify with God. A comment by Saint Faustina helped me a lot; "When a soul has come out of these tribulations, it is deeply humble. Its purity of soul is great. It knows better without need of reflecting, as it were, what it ought too do at a given moment and what to forbear. It feels the lightest touch of grace and is very faithful to God. It recognizes God from afar and continuously rejoices in Him. It discovers God very quickly in other souls and in its environment in general." It’s good to cherish the gift of life.

Connection

I have been feeling grateful for the several people I have connected with during the last few days. Yesterday I went to a new (good meeting - but way to big!) recovery meeting with one of the people I am getting to know. We also talked for a while. She is helping me fit in to the recovery community here. Today I spent some time with the Friends, talking and connecting. It’s really nice to have these groups and be open to their welcoming assistance. Not surprisingly, they are wanting to talk about life’s struggles since they sense me as a safe person who knows about struggling.

Paradox

I have been working on my next book today, a book based on the empty-fullness of life on this planet. The book will be based on the observation that as Beattie put it "life isn't just mysterious and unpredictable, it can be unbearably cruel and breathtakingly wondrous, sometimes at the same time." The book will be based on the paradox of life on this planet. A paradox that the pain and discomfort in my own life has driven me to become familiar with. I now see life as a beautiful process of growth in love, a profound shift in thinking, but then years ago I did ask to see things the way God does.

Balance

I continue to push forward as far as writing a query letter and getting a literary agent. Doing so still sounds and feels right amid the chaos of setting up my new life in Maryland. It’s engrossing to observe myself go from grandiose, overly confident thoughts to feeling worthless within a matter of a few minutes. The transition is not quite fun - but certainly entertaining. I realize that I am between the two extremes.

Self-care

Today, in addition to minor activities like ordering checks and paying bills, I closed on a house in Columbia MD. The actual closing was logistically simple and only took a few minutes. My tendency is to consider the process as being emotionally "not a big deal". However the tension in my neck and not sleeping well lead me to the realization that it was a big deal. I need to allow any emotions to come up, limit my other activities and get more rest. Basic self-care.

Taking Action

I have now written the central core of my query to literary agents and selected three agencies to target. The whole process is a blend of reading, listening to human advice and asking for spiritual guidance, all the time reflecting on the three questions that are the central focus of my book (would I do this in front of God, is it really my responsibility, will this increase the integrity of the universe). I don’t take any action until it feels right.

Harmony 2

Earlier today, on our way to getting more keys for our newish truck, I commented to Maria that I "just felt good", meaning enjoying harmony and being in the flow of life. I am reminded of the comment by Green S.J., that "if we persevere despite our disorientation, we begin to realize that it is only being lost, in losing ourselves, that we are found." This move has been difficult, no question. I am beginning to see an opening and feel some clarity - in the fog. For today I will take that and enjoy it.