Discernment

Many years ago I prayed for discernment, the ability to detect whether a message or action was from Spirit/God or from some aspect of self, some form of self interest not the general welfare. I have since been granted that gift, if I have the clarity to listen. On those occasions that I cannot achieve that clarity, I check with others that I trust. If I get a message, what a Quaker would call a leading, that intuitively feels like a clear, joyful mountain spring, I generally go ahead. Such messages are almost always other directed and sometimes at the expense of self. If, on the other hand, the message feels like a turbid, sluggish lake, I know to take no action. I also make use of the three questions that are the central focus of my book (would I do this in front of God, or whatever you call that power/force?; is my name really on it or is it really my responsibility?; will this increase the integrity of the universe, or is this loving?).

Love Is Honest

As I prepare to visit Gettysburg, PA I want to remember that fear causes biases, distortions and tends to not be honest, thus causing confusion and tension. Love, on the other hand, is honest and causes a release of tension and a feeling of clarity. I suspect that the monument that we are going to visit presents part of the story behind the civil war. However, like other "historical" accounts, it does not present the whole picture, the truth for everyone involved. As I approach the trip I want to remember what I call the "rainmaker ideal" "We have forgotten how to allow. The essence of the Rainmaker is that he knows how to allow. The Rainmaker walks in the middle of the road, neither held back by the past nor hurrying towards the future, neither lured to the right nor to the left, but allowing the past and the future, the outer world of the right and the inner images of the left all to play upon him while he attends, no more than attends, to the living moment in which these forces meet.

"In those rare moments when all the opposites meet within a man, good and also evil, light and also darkness, spirit and also body, brain and also heart, masculine focused consciousness and at the same time feminine diffuse awareness, wisdom of maturity and childlike wonder; when all are allowed and none displaces any other in the mind of a man, then that man, though he may utter no word is in an attitude of prayer. Whether he knows it or not his own receptive allowing will affect all those around him; rain will fall on the parched fields, and tears will turn bitter grief to flowering sorrow, while stricken children dry their eyes and laugh." (Claremont deCastillejo).

Detachment

A major part of my morning meditation and prayer is to "free me of the bondage of self" since it is only then that I can truly and objectively listen to guidance and be free to act accordingly. Yesterday I spoke of hurt, fear and anger and two days before I spoke of attachments, either of which can cause me to act out of self-interest, rather than the good of all, "increasing the integrity of the universe" as I say in my book. In addition, acting out of self-interest is fear-based and does not feel good. I have detached enough from self so that these impulses are mere whispers compared to earlier in my life, but they are still present.

Growth

Earlier in my adult life I was reacting to the events in my life out of hurt, fear and anger that I did not even realize I had. For example, as an assistant professor at a woman’s college I was very harsh, judgmental and demanding of my students and similar in my committee work. I thought my behavior to be right and proper and I was proud of my status and the way students feared me. I had no idea that my behavior at that time was due largely to residual hurt, fear and anger at the way I was raised. I was very much afraid of appearing incompetent and being judged. I then went through a lengthy period of increasing awareness and shedding the hurt, fear and anger. I still have high standards for myself but also know that if I try and fail - it is no failure at all. I love myself and everyone else and will do what I can to help us all grow. A position that no longer creates more fear.

Spiritual Path 2

I have found a tremendous sense of peace and freedom through detachment from worldly, temporal things together with a focus on love and eternal things. I began my growth process with an increased awareness of my attachments to material things. My awareness continued to expand and finally included my emotional attachments to my own story (history) and concept of self. I next began to realize how much those attachments were creating my own anxiety and restricting my growth. I began giving up those attachments and turning toward love and my sense of the eternal. I now encourage others to follow a similar path, in their own ways. "We do not return to wholeness through any one religion; we return through the Universal Christ. The Mysteries taught initiates that we first enter the path, then we follow the path, then we become the path." (Gloria D. Karpinski).

Spiritual Path

I have discovered and continue to discover many wonderful mystical things that I cannot see, touch or physically feel but are very real and impact what we know as physical reality. I learn through meditation and reading that others have discovered many of the same truths, which I find very reassuring. It would be comforting to be able to rely on the guidance and support of a teacher or mentor during my quest, a role I fulfill for many others. I gather through experience and meditation that’s not going to happen since, ultimately, it would discourage me from moving forward into unknown territory. In my efforts to find a teacher I have always run into their egos restricting and judging me when I questioned them or attempted to go into unknown territory. Meanwhile, I will continue to be open to the possibility, be careful not to discourage those I work with, and continue my path.

Connection

We are now making plans to visit Gettysburg, PA, probably next Monday and Tuesday, where to camp, tours, etc. I understand, through meditation, that there are many disturbed spirits there, much like I encountered in South Dakota. The spirits in SD were of Native people and these are of Caucasian with the tendency to impact living Caucasians. I gather that I can help the spirits come to peace and, through that action, impact similarly on the living population. This will be a strange and daunting task which I have been prepared for through my sweat lodge experiences. I keep recalling the word of Walsch when he said of God "Only when you’ve had enough of the separateness, enough of the illusion, enough of the loneliness and painfulness, will you seek to find your way home, and then you will find that I will be there — that I have always been there. All ways."

Acceptance

It’s a weird paradox but I am totally fine and at peace with the way my life is today and yet I fully expect it to change and will be fine with that as well. Over the last several years I have been given many gifts, some spectacular like my near death experience and being with God, others have been quiet like the transformation that I have been going through recently. Most notably I have aligned myself with the force I call God and I feel very good about that. Saint Faustina puts it well in her diary: "Neither graces, nor revelations, nor raptures, nor gifts granted to a soul make it perfect, but rather the intimate union of the soul with God. These gifts are merely ornaments of the soul, but constitute neither its essence nor its perfection. My sanctity and perfection consist in the close union of my will with the will of God. God never violates our free will. It is up to us whether we want to receive God’s grace or not. It is up to us whether we will cooperate with it or waste it."

Fulfillment

In recent conversations that I have had or listened to I have been struck by the observation that other people place value, care about and focus on events like T.V., cars, work related issues or the condition of their yard. I actively participate in many of those activities and frequently enjoy them but place little value on them, finding them to be transient and hollow. I do focus and find fulfillment in love, connection and relationships, things that, in my view, have some eternal value. In the words of Dubay, S.M.. "The unending yearnings of the human spirit are satisfied by nothing that can be measured, seen, heard or touched. To focus selfishly on anything in the created order is to be restricted and thus to fall that far short of full freedom."

Life of Prayer

I find that I still enjoy activities like regular household tasks, cooking and gardening. I also take a lot of pleasure in my material possessions, especially our several hand made items. I especially enjoy my connections and loving relationships. However my attachments and the familiar ego self is largely gone or a shadow of what it was. This is all part of living within a "bubble of love" and practicing constant prayer and meditation. In the words of Thomas H. Green, S.J. "The life of prayer is perhaps the most mysterious dimension of all human experience. We come to be at home with a God we cannot see. We discover that it is only by giving ourselves away totally that we truly come to possess ourselves, that we are most free when most surrendered. We begin to realize that light is darkness and darkness light. We become lost in a trackless desert — and then, if we persevere despite our disorientation, we begin to realize that it is only being lost, in losing ourselves, that we are found. The whole of our life and not just our prayer life, becomes a paradox, an apparent contradiction concealing and revealing a deeper truth, because we begin to realize that we must live as we pray."