Understanding Is Not Required

Today I had the last of three MRIs done for the medical people I deal with and I was very aware of the clash between their world view and mine. I had the MRIs done on the recommendation of my most recent neurologist who wants to re-diagnose me since my current condition does not fit with my existing diagnosis of cerebellar degeneration, especially since my condition has not gotten progressively worse. There is a very strong effort to fit my condition into some known and well defined category. The clash comes in because I am quite comfortable living with the "unknown and unknowable". My world is not neat and well defined - and I am good with that. Understanding is not required.

Presence

During my daily activities I regularly encounter a loving, creative and very powerful force which I have come to know as God. I sense this force, presence or power while meditating, doing my healing work, working in the garden and exercising. It’s always there and all around us - we just have to be open to it, a wonderful thing. As Elaine Pagels says "Yet I sometimes encountered, in churches and elsewhere—in the presence of a venerable Buddhist monk, in the cantor’s singing at a bar mitzvah, and on mountain hikes—something compelling, powerful, even terrifying that I could not ignore, and I had come to see that, besides belief, Christianity involves practice—and paths toward transformation."

Seeking Guidance

Tonight I was looking over yesterday’s blog entry and I kept thinking of another comment by Patricia Loring, that "To undertake to live a discerned life, to endeavor daily to be attuned to authentic movements of the Spirit leading us into greater fullness of life, is a strenuous undertaking." Today I am exploring what the next step I should take is. I do that through a lot of contemplation and meditation – quiet time – mixed with periods of simple activities like shopping, cooking and exercising. I try not to place any sort of judgement on what comes up and to just stay open. When I write that it sounds easy but it is not, it requires a good deal of clarity and non-attachment.

Service Work

Today I met with two other people at an assisted living facility for a "wellness and spiritual support group". It was a wonderful, loving and supportive experience for all of us. I was primarily in the role of support based on my own experience, but in the role of a "giver" I also receive. My, very human, hope is that this sort of activity will continue and expand - We shall see. I have to remember that I am not in charge! "It requires even more discernment to discover whether the ministry called for from a particular individual in a particular instance requires prophetic speech, humble and hidden activities, bold and dramatic action, professional service or some ,novel and previously unimagined course." (Patricia Loring)

Being Of Service

I lead a peaceful life of loving service along with many other activities that support me and my efforts. I spend a lot of time each day maintaining the inner silence that my life requires in the hope that what I do has a positive impact on the world. In the words of Seeger "It [inner silence] is to establish an inner peace, an inner harmony, which will allow us authentically to contribute to the establishment of an outer peace and an outer harmony in the world at large." He goes on to write "For after all the beautiful and simple words have been spoken, it is still the pattern of that Life which compels attention: its obscure and humble birth; its education in poverty; its temptation, mortification, and solitude; its acts of compassion and service; its desolation at moments of apparent abandonment of the Divine; its painful death of the self; and its final absorption into the Source."

Eternal View

I have been reading the paper (minimally since most of what goes on is none of my business) and experiencing the passing ups and downs of life. I am very aware that people are wrapped up in their distractions, that many people are harming themselves and each other and that we are harming this planet, our home, for short term gain. I am also aware that the problems I just mentioned are part of the growth process and very short in duration. I can feel and know the ultimate reality of love and that everything is perfect in its imperfection. "Love is the only absolute reality, which never changes and never dies. Dwelling in that which does not change, while things around us are changing all the time, is our key to inner peace." (Williamson)

Connection

Using a liquid fertilizer that I pour over each plant, I have been going around our property fertilizing the plants, which gives me a wonderful opportunity to connect with each of them - magical and requiring inner silence on my part. Maria has commented several times that when I connect with people they get this "silly grin" expressing their pleasure and love. My sense is that the plants do the same thing, in a plant way - if I listen. It’ a wonderful experience! "intuition is a deep form of listening that when trusted can return us to the common, irrepressible element at the center of all life and to the Oneness of things that surround us"

Holistic Health

Through my own use of silence, silent meditation and contemplation, I have realized that for my own clarity of understanding I need to view the approach of my neurologist through the lense of compassion, understanding and love. If I do that I realize that he is viewing my situation through the eyes of logic, knowledge and reasoning, the way he was taught. In my case I have been using various techniques like, unconditional love, visualization and meditation for years with my disability (cerebellar degeneration) so simple reasoning is not enough. Logic, knowledge and reasoning are wonderful, but also limited in their scope. In the words of Seeger "To understand better the value of silence in daily life, and its relation to this spiritual transformation for which we yearn, it is useful first to consider the limitation of language, of words....It is next useful to contemplate the limitations of logical reasoning." The techniques I have been using have transformed me in a way which is not encompassed by reason.

Discernment

As I have mentioned I am an exceptional case in that I have not followed the typical prognosis for my condition and, for that reason, I present a challenge to conventional beliefs. I recently went to a new neurologist who was puzzled and a bit defensive about my situation, calling for more testing and referring me to another physician for consultation. His position is understandable, given the complexity of my situation. My role is to integrate and understand his point of view, deciding on the best course of action. I have to discern the best course of action for myself, a difficult task, and one that requires meditation, contemplation and clarity. "To undertake to live a discerned life, to endeavor daily to be attuned to authentic movements of the Spirit leading us into greater fullness of life, is a strenuous undertaking." (Loring)

Exception 2

As I commented a little less than a month ago, I am an "exception", physically, in that my present condition does not match my expected prognosis. I went to a new (for me) neurologist today who performed a variety of tests on my reflexes, strength, relaxation ability and muscular motor ability. He is not sure of a diagnosis since my results do not match any specific problem so he referred me to another neurologist for consultation and wants to do further testing. I will cooperate and I would also like him to realize that the unconditional love, relaxation, exercise, meditation and other practices have a genuine, measurable impact. I would like hin to start with my condition and learn from it rather than trying to fit my condition into his current thinking. It is clear to me that practices like unconditional love, relaxation and meditation have an impact on health.