Love

Today I attended a recovery meeting which I have been to twice before so it is relatively new for me. In this meeting I have encountered the love, support and spirituality I have been looking for and am comfortable with. So far they talk about the whole range of human emotions from gratitude to anger and empathy to distrust, all with soft, loving laughter at the silliness of it all, very refreshing. Personally, I enjoy being human while also finding the situation silly and Love it all. In the words of Walsch "So, too, is love not the absence of an emotion (hatred, anger, lust, jealousy, covetousness), but the summation of all feeling. It is the sum total. The aggregate amount. The everything."

Gratitude

Today I just feel very grateful that I am able to perform life’s daily activities and feel no need to participate in the many potential distractions. I exercised, fed the birds, went grocery shopping, mowed some lawn and fixed a delicious dinner of oven-roasted veggies, all relatively mundane activities but I could do them and in the past I could not. Conditions could be a lot worse - they have been and may be in the future. The present is pleasant and for that I am grateful.

Near Death Experience

I was the main focus and leader of an overwhelmingly loving, healing, wellness group today, a powerful session. We talked about death and dying, though not the way those topics are commonly talked about. We did mention the normal fears of the unknown frequently felt leading up to death. We then talked of my own "near death experience" and the extreme Love and well-being I encountered on "the other side" of my brief death experience, with the suggestion that is what death feels like. My N.D.E. happened eleven years ago and I still carry the feeling with me. As St John of the Cross said "There are encounters with God such that the devil cannot possibly counterfeit them, nor can one’s imagination create them. Some are so indelibly imprinted in the center of one’s being that they can neither be described nor forgotten."

Life

Looking over my past posts it’s striking how much my feelings vary from day to day. Today I feel dissatisfied and want more of everything in my life - which seems to be part of my nature as a recovering person. I have three files of spiritual quotes, about sixteen pages each, that I go through daily in order to experience the life I talk about in these blogs. They help keep me on track. Today I especially need to be reminded of the words of Claremont deCastillejo from years ago: "We have forgotten how to allow. The essence of the Rainmaker is that he knows how to allow. The Rainmaker walks in the middle of the road, neither held back by the past nor hurrying towards the future, neither lured to the right nor to the left, but allowing the past and the future, the outer world of the right and the inner images of the left all to play upon him while he attends, no more than attends, to the living moment in which these forces meet.

In those rare moments when all the opposites meet within a man, good and also evil, light and also darkness, spirit and also body, brain and also heart, masculine focused consciousness and at the same time feminine diffuse awareness, wisdom of maturity and childlike wonder; when all are allowed and none displaces any other in the mind of a man, then that man, though he may utter no word is in an attitude of prayer. Whether he knows it or not his own receptive allowing will affect all those around him; rain will fall on the parched fields, and tears will turn bitter grief to flowering sorrow, while stricken children dry their eyes and laugh." I selected the "rainmaker ideal" as a goal many years ago and I feel more at peace being reminded. Time to meditate.

Perspective

I can feel the burning nuclear furnace of Love/God around my heart center directing me to be of service and to spread the words of Love, healing, peace and well being, a wonderful feeling. It’s not that I do not have the normal, self-centered thoughts and fears I grew up with - I do. Those thoughts and fears just do not seem very compelling or important to me now. I am also very aware of other more public concerns such as our political situation or Houston, but know that somehow things are for the best. I like the words written by Stephen Mitchell in The Gospel According to Jesus: "‘Blessed are the pure in heart, for they already see God.’ Seeing God means they have died to self, since ‘no one can see God and live’ (Exodus 33:12). Not that selfish concerns don’t arise for them; but they aren’t attached to these concerns; they have no self for selfishness to stick to; hence they can be carried along in the clear current of what is."

Life Of Prayer

Today I felt emotionally and spiritually lost with no familiar landmarks which, this evening, I am at peace with and feel good about since the feeling reflects my growth. Earlier today I just felt lost. I have put aside the familiar material landmarks like job completion and acknowledgment in order to explore the "unknown and unknowable". I need to recall the words of Thomas H. Green: "The life of prayer is perhaps the most mysterious dimension of all human experience. We come to be at home with a God we cannot see. We discover that it is only by giving ourselves away totally that we truly come to possess ourselves, that we are most free when most surrendered. We begin to realize that light is darkness and darkness light. We become lost in a trackless desert — and then, if we persevere despite our disorientation, we begin to realize that it is only being lost, in losing ourselves, that we are found. The whole of our life and not just our prayer life, becomes a paradox, an apparent contradiction concealing and revealing a deeper truth, because we begin to realize that we must live as we pray"

Perspective

At our bird feeder we get a young cowbird that acts like a baby, wanting to be fed by its adoptive parent, an adult chipping sparrow. In this case the "baby" bird being fed is much larger than the adult feeding it, a strange sight. Cowbirds are "social parasites", laying their eggs in the nests of other birds, their hosts. The hatchling cowbirds then take over the nest by aggressively getting rid of any competing young or eggs and taking advantage of the parental instincts of the adults. On the one hand this situation can be viewed as a disturbing ethical breech. The situation can also be seen as a delightful example of the vitality and persistence of life. Both views are quite accurate and I prefer to have both views. "Jesus said, ‘I am the light which is before all things. It is I who am all things. From me all things came forth, and to me all things extend. Split a piece of wood, and I am there; lift up the stone, and you will find me.’" (the gospel of Thomas)

God

During days like today I actually have an impulse to hug and kiss many of the people I interact with, particularly those I know well. The feeling is totally innocent, stemming from an inner furnace of affection and love. I enjoy the impulse though I generally do not act on it since it would not be seen as proper. I actually feel that furnace most strongly during the silent meditation in the middle of the night and realize it comes from the force I call God. It is a powerful and very healing feeling. "It [inner silence] is to establish an inner peace, an inner harmony, which will allow us authentically to contribute to the establishment of an outer peace and an outer harmony in the world at large." (Seeger)

Service Work

With my interactions of late, whether recovery or health related, I am aware that is when I feel the strongest Love, connection and presence. That is also when I feel the strongest support and guidance, all of which make my life very rich and fulfilling. "In the ancient system of yoga, serving others and the renewal of the server are not two separate processes, but a single, indivisible one." I do not know how true this is of others but as long as I continue to lead a life which is focused on being of service to others, I do not experience any "dry" spiritual times, periods when I feel no connection.

Discernment

I lead a life based on Love and being of service, relying on the comment by Jesus that "you will know me by my fruits" rather than the dogma or guidance of any sort of religious practice. The "fruits" I look for include; "love, joy, peace, kindness, goodness, trustfulness, gentleness and self-control" (Galatians 5:23). I do not participate in self-serving, self-centered or other activities that do not feel right and I have been granted the gift of discernment. I have to pay attention and listen also using the three questions that are the central focus of my book. In the words of Patricia Loring "To undertake to live a discerned life, to endeavor daily to be attuned to authentic movements of the Spirit leading us into greater fullness of life, is a strenuous undertaking." It is also well worth the effort.