Seeking

Through the daily practices I outline in my website and my book I have developed a very strong, mystical connection with the force I call God. I go through the normal activities of life feeling love, joy and peace regardless of the nature of the activity (on most days!). The level of connection I have achieved does seem to require some degree of self-sacrifice, devotion and daily practice — well worth the effort. I have encountered many people who want a similar connection, but as Gilbert Kilpack says "We want to be spiritually alive, but also to be comfortable; to be prayerful, but not to rise early in the morning to pray; to possess power to lead, but not to undergo the discipline that it takes to control the power." I regularly encourage others to exert themselves for as he also wrote "Seek Him we must, with a headlong love, with enthusiasm and romantic ardor, but also with lowliness and patience, and that is a hard combination."

Holistic Healing

As a part of my disability I have muscle spasms all over my body, particularly in my lower back. If the spasms become more frequent than occasional I actually go into the regular relaxation and presence of my meditation and then focus my attention on the location and feeling of the spasm. I then ask if the spasm has anything to tell me and allow my thoughts and images to flow. Recently, I have had a lot of spasms in the right side of my lower back so I followed the above procedure, allowing the feelings to flood my body — very unpleasant. I find a lot of fear all tied up with self esteem issues and a low self-image. I just become aware of them and feel the feelings, knowing that feelings are not facts. The result is a lower frequency of spasm and a promotion of healing. "Physical symptoms may tell us that we are going in the wrong direction or they may be evidence of something in the unconscious which will undermine the whole enterprise unless countered psychologically as well as with aspirin." (Irene Claremont deCastillejo)

Love

In my recovery meeting tonight the main speaker talked of how the love and support of the recovery program allowed her to begin believing in herself and then to begin acting on her own beliefs. Essentially love gave her enough self esteem to believe in herself. After her talk several people spoke of how the love and support allowed them to connect with others and then follow their advice, superficially the opposite effect. Both were true and the natural result of love and support. Love is a powerful force that allows for the resolution chaotic dysfunction. "If love is ever to reach and move and transform anyone with its wonderful impalpable power it must be a real love expressed in a real life." (Rufus Jones)

Connection

To me, life is a wondrous experience of discovery and connection. The discovery aspect is because I am seldom certain of what each day will contain and when I think I am — the universe chuckles. The uncertainty makes me uneasy at times but keeps me paying attention. My connection is with everything and everybody. Today I was "with" the birds out back as they waited for me to put out mealworms for them to eat. Later I felt a similar connection as I surveyed the plants in my gardens out front. I also felt a strong connection with my wife and the people I met with today for mentoring. Life is good. "I take the spiritual life to be a life of which aims to discover human wholeness, the integration of all aspects of our humanity - body, soul, mind, emotions - and the connection of the self to all of creation." (Paul A. Lacey)

Choice

To me, it is quite apparent that I have two contrasting parts or attitudes within myself, my personality and that I can choose to act as the "bad wolf" or the "good wolf", depending on which I feed or encourage. When I was young I repeatedly acted out of the bad wolf part and occasionally heard whispers from the good wolf, which I usually ignored. I was exceedingly angry, often violent, self-centered and selfish, attitudes that I note in others. I now act lovingly and with compassion and hear whispers from the bad wolf, which I notice but choose not to act on. I also encounter and encourage the good and loving part of the people I meet. It is clear to me that we all have both parts and choices. "From everywhere, it seems, we are bombarded with the idea that our nature is innately violent, that our chief preoccupation is with our sexuality, and that our main purpose in life is the acquirement of ever more nifty possessions.......Indeed, if is only through the practice of inner silence that we can begin to disentangle ourselves from our culture and its illusions. (Daniel A. Seeger)

Change

Today I have been reflecting on the part of the Serenity Prayer that says "courage to change the things I can", a step that requires trust and faith. For me that step began thirty-three years ago when I gave up drugs and alcohol, a choice which was facilitated by a good deal of emotional pain. Since then my disability has led me to make several changes in life choices due to physical pain. Basically, as I have heard many times, the pain of not changing became greater than my fear of making the change. Along the way, my faith and trust have increased and I now watch and encourage others. "The decisive step toward God consists of letting go of all worries, that is, all fears and attachments. This step requires a foundation of complete and unreserved trust. We can only release our fears in proportion to how much our trust in God has grown, deepened, and ripened into an unshakable faith. The more we abide in living faith, the more we abide in divine love. And where this is, there is no room for fear." (Wolfgang Kopp)

Spiritual Path

At this time the reading group I belong to is studying what various spiritual leaders have written in the past about increasing their spiritual connections. One person in the group commented that it seemed like a lot of effort and that it sounded like it involved daily practice, certainly true in my case. My connection is deep and wonderful but it also required a single minded focus and the daily practices I describe in my book and on my website. As I commented during my recovery meeting today, the results have been well worth the effort. "And though ideas such as these may seem unimportant in our bustling world, the testimony of seekers after life in all ages is that nothing is so important as the completion of our half-lives, the God-filling of our void." (Gilbert Kilpack)

Dealing With Pain 2

Concerning my pain, I followed the guidance that I got through meditation yesterday (talk about it, be more careful, ask for help from any willing source, meditate and listen attentively). It turns out that openly talking and writing about my pain is a method of letting it go and then allowing divine energy to flow into my life, increasing the presence of divine love, a wonderful feeling. I had no incidences of cheek biting today and the pain was less. "The unending yearnings of the human spirit are satisfied by nothing that can be measured, seen, heard or touched. To focus selfishly on anything in the created order is to be restricted and thus to fall that far short of full freedom." (Thomas Dubay, S. M.)

Dealing With Pain

Today I am struggling with extreme mouth pain, a condition that used to be every day but is now infrequent. I have bitten the inside of my cheek quite hard and in the same spot several times during the last week. I recall my words and thoughts from years ago; "I don’t want to be your f---ing inspiration, I just want the pain to stop!!" During this afternoon I chose not to take any medication to change the way I felt, even ibuprofen, but rather went into meditation asking what the pain meant and what to do next. So far I understand that I should talk about it, be more careful, ask for help from any willing source, meditate and listen attentively. I will. "For after all the beautiful and simple words have been spoken, it is still the pattern of that Life which compels attention: its obscure and humble birth; its education in poverty; its temptation, mortification, and solitude; its acts of compassion and service; its desolation at moments of apparent abandonment of the Divine; its painful death of the self; and its final absorption into the Source." (Daniel A. Seeger)

Love

For some people, such as myself, the veil between this worldly existence and the next is very thin and even semi-permeable, at times. I have learned that the feeling of love which permeates that place is absolute and unconditional. By absolute I mean that there is none of the duality we are accustomed to on the earthly plane, no hate and love, just Love. By unconditional I mean a strength, purity and simplicity under all conditions like nothing I have experienced elsewhere. The absolute and unconditional nature of love there causes me to appreciate more fully the complexity and depth of texture of love here. Love on the earthly plain has great value due to the fact that it is a mixture of strong feelings. "Immersion in God entails a being filled with Him, a divine inflowing. Biblical men knew well enough that this self-communication of God is the sole destiny of men." (Thomas Dubay, S. M.)