Ego Struggles

There is a fellow present and new to some of my meetings who is very boisterous, self-centered, sure he is right, newly sober, insecure and ignorant about love and recovery. Except for the boisterous part, he is a lot like I was early in my recovery journey. I was quiet but equally obnoxious. He has a huge and very resistant ego and my own ego has a large tendency to rear its ugly, angry head and engage this guy, as others are doing in my meetings. My discernment is telling me that the only way to engage him is through unconditional love and being of service to him, when he is ready, and not to oppose him in any way if he tries to argue. My own ego feels deflated as I write this (hooray!). "Discernment is a gift from God, not as a personal achievement. The gift is not the result of training, technique, or analysis. Like other gifts of God, its origin is mysterious and gratuitous." (Patricia Loring)

Choice

During my recovery meeting today one of the participants spoke of his having experienced the simple feeling of joy for the first time. Because of my choices, I experience the glorious feeling of joy much of the time. The thought which keeps coming up in my head is that "you could be so much more [in some areas], if you would only be so much less [in others]. I experience joy when I choose to focus on the love and beauty in my life, while giving up my worldly concerns. "The appropriate language for the person receiving these favors [communion with Love/God] is that he understand them, experience them within himself, enjoy them and be silent." (St. John of the Cross)

Loving Action

On one hand loving action is very simple, sensing and doing what intuitively feels right and on the other hand it is complex in that the action may feel right but not good. For example I work with several people and feel a strong love for each of them. I often offer insights about them that they find valuable but also make them feel uncomfortable, even to the point of crying at times. There are also people I know and love but I choose not to offer my insights about them because they do not ask and out of love and respect for them and their own process. "Love has a quality you can learn to discern. It 'feels right'. It is truthful and inclusive. There is no objective measurement to confirm that you are experiencing love. You can only trust your intuition and do your best. If you do, your capacity to discern love will grow. We are all learning this skill." (Shepherd Hoodwin)

Dealing With Life

I have been dealing with a lot of family and financial matters for these last few days, material matters very much tied to this world. However, I did not get lost or absorbed by those matters since I also continued my spiritual practices. I am grateful that I have been able to continue with my spiritual growth in the midst of worldly things. "It [evolution to higher levels] is not now the result of an escalator coming up from below. It depends on us, and persons like us, whether we go on to further goals or not. The possibilities are in us, there is no compulsion. We can sag down to the level of animal life, or we can climb an inward Jacob’s Ladder and become rightly fashioned by spirits, kindled by a flame from above..... We have the possibility of becoming superbiological. (Rufus Jones)

Peace

Today I have been reflecting on the fact that there are so many wars or threats of war going on in our world today. There is also a belief that wars or the threat of violence will eventually lead to peace. On the other hand, as many spiritual leaders have pointed out, wars and violence cannot lead to peace. In my view we each have two seeds within us and whichever we feed or nourish affects our choices or actions. One of those seeds is based largely on fear and nourished by violence and war while the other is based on love and fed by acts of compassion, love, understanding and peace. There is no way that violence can feed the love seed. I have lived within each choice and know how different each feels. My choices were changed by the love I was shown and I will continue to love others regardless of their choices.

Connection

One of the things I do when I listen to a person is connect with them on an energetic level, meaning that each of us becomes willing and open enough to allow a joining of our energy fields, permitting emotional and spiritual connection. It is possible to feel it when connection takes place and it allows for a deeper and more honest communication. Today was my brother-in-law’s birthday so we had a late-lunch family gathering during which there was polite and cordial conversation about topics like weather, cars, sports and food but no real connection. I am lousy at that type of talk! I also realize that is the type of communication people are used to and that it reduces the possibility of emotional injury. I miss the connection.

Listening

One of the important objectives which I mentioned yesterday is "listening", which I now do pretty well in spite of the constant clamoring of my intellect. My brain continues to run on like a squirrel in a cage about things that happened years ago, things that might happen tomorrow, what I will fix for dinner, what should happen next, etc. I used to place some importance on what my brain was saying, thinking it an important guard against present dangers. I now continue to have the thoughts but they are quieter and I now choose to simply attend to the present moment. "Listening is a far more difficult process than most people imagine; really to listen in the way that is meant by the masters is to let go utterly of ourselves, to let go of all the information, all of the concepts, all the ideas and all the prejudices that our heads are stuffed with." (Sogyal Rinpoche)

Humility

Today’s topic for my recovery meeting was "humility", a topic I consider to be very important since only when I am humble (right-sized) can I be in the present and able to listen to the universe around me. The definition of humility which I learned and latched onto many years ago was and is "lack of pretense", in other words knowing, admitting and living within strengths and weaknesses, something I strive for. I am quite capable of being grandiose, thinking I am better than I am or self-deprecating, thinking I am less. Each is egocentric has its own dangers. Each also takes me out of the moment and changes my focus to past or future. I strive to stay in the present, listen and act out of love.

Life

Tomorrow I turn seventy and will be at my mother-in-law’s, away from my computer unable to write in this Blog so I write this now. I have no idea how long I will keep living but I can say that I turned out to be much more than I thought I would and feel quite satisfied with my life, which included thirty-six years of being totally lost, self-centered and confused followed by decades of figuring things out. As Rufus Jones points out living and growing truly has been a process of affirming and deny myself. He goes on to comment "To get we must also give, to advance we must also surrender, to gain we must lose, to attain we must resign. From the nature of things life means choice and selection, and every positive choice negates all other possibilities.", an observation which fits my process very well. I wonder what lies up ahead and am content to leave it that way.

My Efforts

I attempt to spread love and light in everything I do and say. This Blog, my cooking, gardening, working with spirits or living people are all part of that effort. I understand that the effort is very important and I do it pretty well, falling back into hurt and anger every once and a while. Recently I have been experiencing some back and shoulder pain due largely to my disability and, as with most physical problems, with an emotional component. My shoulders and back are expressing an internal emotional conflict between the part of me that says "your shoulders are not strong enough to carry the load you are carrying" and another part of me that says "fine but I’ll keep doing what I do anyway — and anything I am called to do in the future". I just keep thinking "bring it on! With God’s guidance and assistance I’ll do it."